


Part of my Life

by Aelia1980



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Angst, Future Fic, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Schmoop, abused!jensen, hurt!Jensen, mention of bearding and miscarriage, sick!Jensen (serious illness but I promise, this is no death!fic)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-27
Updated: 2020-12-27
Packaged: 2021-03-10 21:27:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 77,670
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28363902
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aelia1980/pseuds/Aelia1980
Summary: When Jared Padalecki met Jensen Ackles, he didn’t expect much. He hoped for a good work mate, maybe a friend but not for a soul mate, not really believing that something like this even existed. In the end, Jared found so much more than that.This is a story about friendship and love, about men being torn apart and finding each other again, sticking together through sickness and health. This is a story about Jared and Jensen becoming what they were meant to be - a part of each other’s lives
Relationships: Genevieve Cortese/Jared Padalecki, Jensen Ackles/Danneel Harris, Jensen Ackles/Jared Padalecki, Jensen Ackles/Original Male Character(s), Sandra McCoy/Jared Padalecki
Comments: 27
Kudos: 51





	1. Prologue - Chapter 8

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I don’t know Jared, Jensen or anyone else mentioned in this story. This is a work of fiction, written for “entertainment” and certainly not to hurt mentioned characters. I just borrowed their names, jobs, a bit of their background and invented so much more. Nothing mentioned in this fiction ever happened.
> 
> A/N: I don’t have any medicinal knowledge so please take everything that concerns the mentioned illness (even though it doesn’t exist) with a grain of salt. I did a bit of research on wikipedia but really, I´m not sure if the side effects and symptoms mentioned are really correct
> 
> Originally posted on LJ, sometime 2012 I guess.

**Part of my Life**

**Prologue**

You meet new people almost every day: young or old, black or white, rich or poor, at work or in your free time.

Normally, you don’t expect anything from them. You just want to get along with them, live peacefully side by side, nothing else. You don’t go out there and hope to meet your future spouse or new BFF in the supermarket or on your first day at work.

Sure you’ve heard of it. Of that strange coincidence - or is it a gift from fate? - of meeting someone for the very first time, knowing at once that they will be a part of your life in one way or another until you pass away at an old age.

But if that ever happens outside of fairy tales it certainly happens to anyone but you and most certainly not in the tough film industry in Hollywood, where everyone is eager to make their own profit, whatever the cost. Thinking and expecting something like that is unrealistic and delusional. Besides, nothing is forever.

Jared Padalecki is sure that’s the way it is.

Friends for life? Love at first sight? Real love, always and forever? Sure, it’s good movie and novel material but in real life, it doesn’t happen. Life isn’t a pony ride after all.

Buddies come easily enough, especially if you are as outgoing as Jared, but they leave as quickly as they appear. Real friends though, who stick with you until the end, who are bonded with you like the roots of a centuries old oak with the soil? They are rare, hard to find, a lot of work and you never really know if they’ll stick with you until the end anyways. Maybe for stages of your life but forever? Until you die at old age? No, Jared is sure there is no such thing.

This is the story how Jared learns that some friendships really are meant to be forever, this is the story about that special someone who becomes a part of his life.

**Part I**

**The Beginning**

**1**

When Jared faces his new co-star, one Jensen Ackles, he doesn’t expect much. A pretty guy, a few of years older than him, more experienced and with varied reputation, simply depending on who you ask, Jared imagines Jensen to become nothing more than a good work mate and buddy. At the most.

On one hand, Jared doesn’t want to force that. Firstly, Jared never goes for bonding anyways. It’s pushy and unnatural, just not him and Jared promised his momma to stay true to himself when he moved to LA, which is difficult enough. He wants the bonding to happen naturally - or not at all. Secondly, Jared is just a little careful. It isn’t that he is prejudiced, because although he has a variety of bad qualities, this isn’t one of them. But Jared has made his deal of experiences with co-stars - not all of them good ones - and lost his naivety a while ago. Jared never wants to be in the awkward si tuation to work on a show with s omeone he thought would like and respect him, only to learn that they’re doing neither. It’s kind of a self-protection thing because really, no one wants to stand there with egg on their face an d make a fool of themselves, not even Jared.

On the other hand, Jared wants this show to work. Badly. He loves the concept and ideas, loves the script of the pilot and most of all, although he barely had the chance to slip into the head space of Sam Winchester, he already loves his character. Like the whole show Sam has so much potential and if it should work, he simply has to get on with Jensen Ackles. They are the only leads and it is vital to have a chemistry that allows them both to do their job properly and successfully.

Finding himself caught between the devil and the deep blue sea, Jared is racking his brain how best to approach his new co-star to make their team work. Weighing the pros and cons, Jared decides for honesty, for casualty and authenticity in the end. If that doesn’t work, then it wasn’t meant to be.

~~~

On that sunny but cool day our story starts, Jared finds himself sitting in a nondescript small room in the WB network building, nursing a beverage you could barely call coffee, tapping his huge feet on the gray linoleum floor. He doesn’t get nervous easily, would call himself a person that is scarcely unsettled, but the situation is s training even on his strong nerves. On one hand, Jared wants it to be over and done with as soon as possible, on the other hand, he’s kind of dreading the moment he’ll meet Jensen. What if the worst case scenario happens and they hate each other at first sight, don’t have one bit of chemistry and will screw up their reading?

These unsettling thoughts are still running through his mind when he’s greeted by a deep, warm voice, the nervousness in it barely concealed. Looking up from his tapping feet and the very intriguing dint on the dirty floor, Jared’s eyes graze an outstretched hand before they meet that face he’s seen on TV and during his research on the internet.

Jensen Ackles is pretty and isn’t that a very uncommon fact to notice about his new co-star? But Jared isn’t ignorant, can acknowledge the looks of his fellow males and the guy standing in front of him is simply  close to perfection. Rosy full lips formed into the hint of a smile. Freckles scattered over the fair skin. Beautifully shaped face. And eyes, green and kind, framed with crow feet that certainly are more prominent when he’s smiling.

Those lips move. "Jared?" the older man asks, a little smile on his face. If Jared is not mistaken though, he can hear a hint of self-consciousness he never has expected from a guy with these looks.

Only now Jared realizes that he is staring and he remembers what his momma taught him more than once. Almost over-eagerly, he jumps up from the more or less comfortable couch, noticing now what he hadn’t seen before. Jensen is tall - though not as tall as him, barely anyone is. There are a few inches difference and now it’s Jensen who is looking up at him, staring, probably surprised that the man who is to play his baby brother towers above him.

Jared grabs the offered hand and shakes it. It’s warm and a little sweaty, just like his own and this alone makes the older man likeable. But there is more to fortify that impression. The handshake is strong and Jensen doesn’t let go after the first touch, but holds on for a while, his smile widening sincerely, accentuating those wrinkles around his eyes just like Jared imagined.

I t makes him smile just as brightly, his stress almost gone and at the same moment, Jared finds his voice again. He starts babbling, something he always does when he is a little nervous, but he means every word of it, from the "Hey Jensen, great to meet you, man" to the encouraging "We´ll rock it". Jared can’t really tell where this confidence suddenly comes from but there is something in Jensen and it lets the young actor believe they are but one step away from something special.

~~

Jared is right. They really do rock it. Although he was confident the moment he met Jensen it sweeps Jared off his feet, because this? This is some thing Jared totally hasn’t expected.

They don’t  _play_ Sam and Dean Winchester. They  _become_ the Winchester brothers and in the few minutes in front of the camera, they  _are_ these guys.

Acting alongside Jensen feels unbelievably good. All his worries are gone now and it’s pure joy. It doesn’t feel like an audition but more like a passion, easy and comfortable like a second skin, giving Jared the same satisfaction as standing on stage in High School for the very first time.

Once Jensen and Jared are done it’s so quiet you could hear a pin drop. Releasing relieved breaths, the actors exchange awed glances, waiting for the verdict. It blows them away like a thunderstorm, with thunderous applause, thumbs up and faces smiling as bright as the sun that  gains dominance over the clouds.

Everything is a blur as Jared accepts congratulations, receives amicably pats on the back and shakes hands.

He can’t really recall how, but eventually, Jared finds himself sitting in his car again. The producers’ voices that they will contact his agent are still ringing in his ear and Jensen is following him in his own car to a cozy bar. This success definitely calls for a celebration!

~~

There is beer, burgers, fries and music. But most of all,  there is laughter and no awkwardness at all. Talking to Jensen is easy. They not only have their job and love for films and acting in common but many other things, most of all their background. If nothing else, that bonds. It’s the perfect foundation to build on.

Despite all the similarities, Jensen is still different, much more reserved than Jared. Jensen answers Jared’s questions extensively, asks some himself, smiles, laughs and goofs around but nevertheles s, the older actor is holding something back. He’s cautious, Jared notices and even though Jensen is on his fourth beer, he still seems to think before he answers - something Jared doesn’t always manage even when he is sober.

Jared doesn’t mind. Not everyone is as outspoken as him and, having only met a couple of hours ago, he certainly doesn’t expect his new co-star to trust him with his deepest secrets and greatest wishes. That’s probably never going to happen anyways and if they can keep the chemistry they showed during th e audition and the easy banter that is between them now, Jared is a happy man.

~

Time passes in a blur. When Jared glances at his watch, sure that it can’t be later than 7 pm, at the most, he notices with a shock that it is way past 9 pm and that he not only missed his date with  Sandy but also her countless calls.

He can’t remember if something like that has ever happened to him; forgetting the time, even more his beautiful girlfriend, because he was downright  enthralled in chatter with someone he just met.

"Oh shit," Jared gasps, smacking his palm against his forehead, startling Jensen who is absently playing with the moist label of his empty beer bottle.

Alert, the older man looks up. "Something wrong?"

Jared shrugs. "Nah. Not really. Missed th e date with Sandy. My girlfriend," Jared adds as Jensen widens his eyes in question. "Completely forgot about it. Judging from her texts, she isn’t happy." Jared grimaces as he imagines how Sandy will kick his ass once he comes home.

"Sorry." Jensen looks a little sheepish, as if it was his fault that Jared forgot his date.

"Nah. Don’t be. Not your fault. And honestly? I’m rather here than with Sandy when all she probably does is chit-chat." Rolling his eyes, Jared grins rascally.

Jens en laughs. "That’s awesome because I’m not really sorry. I had a great night, Jared."

Joining in, Jared guffaws, clapping his hand against the wooden table hard enough to make the bottles shake, the alcohol that is now rushing to his head making him feel lighter than before. Feeling so easy in Jensen’s company, Jared can only shake his head about himself and his silly doubts before the audition. It really couldn’t have been better between them.

"Let me just call Sandy and I’ll bring the next round," Jared points towards the two empty bottles, "when I´m back."

~

"And?" Jensen looks up when Jared returns, handing him another beer, bottle so cool that it is sweating and label so moist that it can be pulled off already.

"It’s fine. She wasn’t happy but she understands. It’s not like you catch the role of your life every day." Jared taps his Corona against Jensen’s, taking a deep gulp, grinning at his new co-star happily.

Jensen returns the grin, eyes sparkling in the dark, asking, just to be sure, "So, everything alright?"

"Sure. Of course she expects me to turn up with a huge bunch of flowers and chocolates tomorrow but she understands."

Suddenly, Jared tells Jensen about Sandy, slobbering over her like a lovesick teenager. He doesn’t even notice that it’s just too much, that, the longer he talks, the more uncomfortable Jensen gets, not meeting his eyes anymore but fixing his gaze on some random point above the younger man’s shoulder.

Only when Jensen leaves with a mumbled, "Sorry, bathroom," does Jared notice that he has been babbling constantly for over ten minutes. Scratching his neck in embarrassment, he wonders if maybe he’s overdone it, if he perhaps should have given Jensen the chance to say his two cents, if he should have asked about the older man’s personal life.

It’s oddly awkward once Jensen returns. Jared can’t tell why, but something shifted, changed. It’s barely noticeable, but existing, a thin wall where none has been before, like Jensen has activated his protection shield or something.

"Jensen? You okay?" The other man is a little flushed, probably because of the booze and Jared can see the tiredness in Jensen’s face.

"Sure."

Jared doesn’t really buy it but even he knows it’d be stupid to push, them only having met, him not knowing much about Jensen. "Hey, I’m sorry," Jared offers instead. "I know I talk too much. Especially about the things I love."

Jensen smiles, but it isn’t as bright as before. "I understand."

A part of Jared now wants to ask Jensen about his love-life but something holds him back. He can’t  even tell why, but there is some kind of sadness and reticence enveloping Jensen that suddenly keeps Jared at bay. New co-stars or maybe even friends they might be, but that certain subject seems to be one Jensen doesn’t want to share freely and although Jared is curious, he doesn’t push and pry. 

Hence, Jared deftly changes the subject, not mentioning Sandy again but chatting about football and a few minutes later, the thin wall between them is gone as if it had never been there in the first place.

~

They only leave when they must once the bar closes. Both are more than tipsy, but happy drunks, laughing even louder than before and meanwhile, even Jensen has lost a bit of his aloofness.

As both men are not living that far away from each other they share a ride. It’s light and pleasant, both giggling at the most ridiculous things.

Once the car stops in front of Jensen’s apartment, both get out, swaying and laughing. It’s only a 15 minute walk for Jared and he needs some fresh air to sober up and to chase away the cloud that is wrapped around his dizzy mind.

"You up for walking?" Jensen tries for serious but doesn’t quite succeed, grinning like a lunatic.

"Sur e." Jared giggles, Texan drawl in full force. "Am a big boy ."

Jensen smirks, looking up and down the freakishly tall frame of Jared’s gangly body.

"That you are." He chuckles, before he smiles that genuine smile of his, thanking Jared for the night out. "That was great, Jared. Should do it again. Haven’t had so much fun in a while."

There’s a weird feeling in his belly Jared can’t put a name on when he hears these words and he flashes his brightest smile at the older man. "Definitely," he slurs. And then, without really thinking about it, because it’s just something he must do, he’s right in Jensen’s space, wrapping his long arms around him, crushing the other man’s body to his chest.

At first, Jensen is stiff like a board,  making a surprised, maybe even shocked gasp. But instead of letting go, Jared doesn’t, just keeps on holding Jensen. He can almost feel Jensen’s hesitancy flow away and suddenly, Jensen’s arms sneak around Jared to return the hug.

Jared smiles. He can’t tell why, would never admit it at this point but deep down he knows... not hopes, not guesses, not believes but simply knows, that this man will be a part of his life for much longer than the months or maybe even years they will work together. And isn’t that a strange knowledge for someone who doesn’t even believe in such things?

**2**

Jared has never been happier to be right; what he builds with Jensen in those first few weeks really is something special.

Their friendship didn’t develop slowly, like it normally happens. Instead, it went from 0 to 95% within what seemed only a glimpse of an eye and the missing 5% - on Jared’s side at least - are things he has never shared with anyone before, not with his girlfriend and least of all with his best buddies.

On Jensen’s side, there definitely is more than 5%. But Jensen is a far more private person. Tiny hints and comments, that unexpected self-consciousness and that invisible protection shield Jensen activates whenever Jared mentions certain personal things make Jared believe that his new co-star isn’t someone who trusts easily and that Jensen probably has his reasons to hold back.

Not that Jared is mad or upset with Jensen because of his reticence, far from it. Jared is sure his co-star’s hesitancy is nothing personal but probably self-protection; most people take time to trust somebody else anyways.

So Jared is just there, spending time with Jensen, giving him the chance to relax or a shoulder to lean on when he can’t handle the burden of their work load. With everything Jared does, he tries to make it a little easier for his new friend, giving the older man the chance to step closer, without pushing him to.

It pays off in all the things Jensen gives Jared in return, most of all in the way he looks and smiles at him. Affection and gratitude lie in each of Jensen’s genuine expressions and Jared knows his friend loses his reluctance more day by day.

~~~

"Maybe we could go on a double date," Sandy suggests when Jared tells her that he will come home for the weekend and would love to take her out. "Jensen could bring his girlfriend."

Jared sighs. "You know... I don’t even know if Jensen has a girlfriend."

"Come on!" Sandy calls out. "That can’t be! Look at him!"

"Every day." Jared laughs. "But believe me, he has never mentioned anyone before. I mean, I know that there are women in his life, girls who accompany him to events but honestly, I doubt that one of them was his girlfriend at one point."

"But..."

"Sandy, I don’t know if I should tell you this, makes me feel like betraying Jen but umm, the relationship thingy seems to be something Jensen doesn’t want to talk about."

Sandy huffs. "So, just ask him. Normally you don’t give a damn about personal boundaries."

Of course Sandy is right. Normally, Jared doesn’t really care. Not that he wants to hurt people, far from it, he respects them, but he usually just says and asks what’s going through his mind. But Jensen... things with him are different. It’s hard to explain that the guy who seems so tough on screen has that aura of vulnerability around him, so Jared doesn’t even try. "Maybe I will," he offers instead.

Only once Jared finishes the call does he realize that it’s more than Jensen simply not talking about this subject. Now that Jared thinks about it, the older man almost seems uncomfortable whenever it is brought up, like he is dreading the very question Jared has never dared to ask before. No matter how easy their banter is, when Jared mentions Sandy or their future, this thin wall he felt on the very first day seems to be back. 

Jared is torn because he cares deeply for Jensen. He wants to find out, because maybe, he can help, whatever the problem is. But he doesn’t want to bring that look into Jensen’s eyes, that haunted glance, doesn’t want to make him shift uncomfortably, doesn’t want to make his friend feel sad or whatever other emotions this question might stir in him.

But maybe Jared has to do just that if he wants to demolish that wall.

~~

Bluntly, Jared brings it up the next day.

There’s a quick break to readjust the lightning and both actors are sitting in their director’s chairs, talking random shit. The atmosphere is easy and Jared thinks it’s better to mention it here and now instead of in the privacy of a trailer where Jensen could simply turn around and flee.

"About next weekend," Jared starts. "Sandy suggested a double date. What do you think? Want to bring your girlfriend and go out with us?"

Sadly, Jensen’s reaction is almost exactly as Jared expected. He goes rigid, looking almost as if Jared had punched him in the face. His countenance is gone and Jared can almost feel it in the air, how uncomfortable, almost scared Jensen suddenly is.

"I," he stammers and Jared i s shocked to see how this simple question affects his friend. "I... ummm..." Jensen swallows heavily, looking for some sort of escape. "Bathroom," he gasps, jumping up and before Jared can even call out a worried "Wait", his co-star is gone.

Sighing deeply, Jared buries his face in his hands. "Shit," he mumbles into his palms. "Shitty shit."

That didn’t go too well...

Jared doesn’t get it... Even if Jensen doesn’t have a real girlfriend at the moment, it’s no problem to admit it. Why should it be? They’re both still so young and in the business, with their jobs... It’s hard to keep a long-distance relationship working. Not everyone is willing to do it. Besides, some guys don’t even look for a bond like that, are happy enough to screw around with girls once in a while, not needing a permanent relationship.

Five minutes later, Jensen still isn’t back.

"Jared? Where’s Jensen? We can go on."

"Bathroom. Wasn’t feeling well," Jared lies but in a way it’s the truth because Jensen didn’t look too happy. "Give me five," he offers. "I’ll go look for him."

Even before Kim can give his okay, Jared is out of his seat and rushes away, the worry increasing with every step. It isn’t like Jensen to disappear from set.

The nearest bathroom is empty, so Jared tries Jensen’s trailer. It’s a dark, cloudy day and there is no light inside, but Jared bets his friend is in there.

He knocks, that’s the least he can do, but when he doesn’t get an answer, Jared enters.

Barely to be seen in the shadows that fill the trailer, Jensen is sitti ng on the floor, leaning against the small wardrobe. Knees pulled towards his chest, Jensen has wrapped his arms around his legs, forehead touching them. He looks like a scared heart and the sight is heartbreaking and makes Jared hate himself a little bit.

Even though Jared can’t see much, it’s obvious that his friend is wrecked. It’s not only the posture, but the heavy breathing and the simple fact that Jensen hasn’t reacted when Jared entered.

"Hey." Jared doesn’t want to startle him, so it’s only whispered.

"Go away." Jensen’s plea is barely louder and shockingly broken.

Maybe Jared should, but he doesn’t. He doesn’t even stand still, but comes closer, until he almost towers over his friend. Only then does he sit down next to him. The floor is ice-cold, the chill creeping through the thin construction and Sam’s jeans, freezing his ass.

Everything inside Jared screams to reach out and touch Jensen, but he doesn’t, not sure if it’s the right thing to do. Instead, he just sits with his friend, bears him silent company, hoping that it helps.

Time passes. Both men are just breathing quietly, both are unsure what to say. Eventually, Jared decides to offer what he can, except comfort.

"I’m sorry, Jen. For bringing this up. For whatever reason, you don’t want to talk about it. That’s okay, man. But, don’t worry. If you decide to talk about it, I won’t judge you. Promise. I’ll just be there. Me. Whenever you want."

A deep breath is Jensen’s only answer at first but then he looks up, mouthing a silent ,"Thank you".

He slides a little closer towards the warmth Jared promises and the younger man takes it as the invitation he has been waiting for. His arms sneak around Jensen and he just holds on, providing his friend with the knowledge that whatever it is, it’ll be okay.

~~

Neither Jared nor Jensen mention the incident or the stupid topic for a while. Jared even tries not to chat about Sandy so much and honestly, there isn’t much to talk about with their schedule so tight that they hardly call, let alone see each other.

Jared doesn’t mind as much as he thought he would. Life is anything but boring and gives him the chance to fully concentrate on his acting - and on his new best friend. Their days are long and the nights are short and sometimes it happens that they drive home together, just to crash on the other’s couch because they are too wrecked to move on to their own home.

They bond. Enough that they even spend their rare free time together, a fact everyone seems to notice, from family to friends, fellow cast and crew.

Sometimes, people ask if they are fed up with each other, seeing another day in, day out, almost 24/7. Unbelievable as it might sound, that just isn’t the case. They enjoy each other’s company, enjoy the easy banter or the hours spent together on a couch, all the little things that help to make Vancouver a little homier and less lonely.

Jared doesn’t think about the tightness of their bond too often and too closely, just shrugs it off whenever Chad complains that he barely calls or his mom laughs when all Jared chats about is his new co-star. When Jared does think about it, it overwhelms him, the simple fact that he has been so lucky to have Jensen in his life, as so much more than only his co-star.

~~

"How’s Sandy?" Jensen asks out of the blue while they are sitting in Jensen’s apartment, pizza in one and script for the next episode in the other hand.

Jared’s eyes widen in surprise. "Ummm, fine, I think. We don’t get to see that much of each other at the moment."

He hesitates. Of course, there is more to tell, maybe about their plans for the Thanksgiving weekend or Christmas and with any other friend, Jared would just get going. But not with Jensen. It’s a shame that he can’t share it with Jensen, something that means so much to Jared, but he doesn’t blame his friend.

It’s almost like the older man can read Jared’s thoughts. "Ummm... Listen Jay. I know I am... weird when it comes to that girlfriend thing. And I see you’re holding back with telling me things now. Without even knowing why I’m so peculiar about this _._ And _…,"_ Jensen swallows, scratching his neck in a nervous gesture. It’s obvious that it’s a big thing for him to talk about.,"I’m sorry. I really am. But there are things you don’t know and..."

"Hey." Jared tries to make it a little easier for him. "It’s okay, Jen. You don’t owe me an apology."

Jensen smiles gratefully, but shakes his head. "I do. I’m a shitty friend when it comes to this. So let me finish, it’s hard enough." He laughs drily. "Where was I? Emm... yeah. One day, Jay, I will tell you. Be sure of it. It’s not that I don’t trust you, believe me, because I do. It’s just me being royally screwed up, okay?"

It’s the closest Jensen ever came to admit that something is heavily burdening him. His words ooze with emotions and when he looks up, Jared can see those green eyes glisten with something that looks suspiciously like tears.

"Just you," Jared says quietly and comforting as he clears the pizza boxes and scripts away and slides closer to Jensen. "There’s nothing wrong with being just you. It’s the way you are."

Jared doesn’t say that it’s just the way he loves Jensen because yeah, that would go too far, even for him, but he shows it in the way he hugs Jensen and holds on tight until the pizzas are cold and the scripts are forgotten.

~~

"I’ve been thinking." Cross-legged, Sandy is sitting on the bed in Jared’s childhood bedroom, looking over at her boyfriend who is typing a text to Jensen.

"Really?" Jared doesn’t even bother to look up, his fingers dancing over the keys of his cell.

"Yep. About Jensen."

"And?" Jared is curious, he admits it. Sandy doesn’t know Jensen that well. They have only met half a dozen times so her view on him might be more objective simply because she isn’t involved.

"He might be gay," she announces matter-of-factly.

His head shoots up. "Come on!!" Amusement is glinting in Jared’s eyes.

Sandy sighs. "Just think about it, JT. He is with different, beautiful women at events but you are pretty sure he doesn’t date any of them. He completely avoids the subject and most of all, is uncomfortable when someone else is talking about it. It’s fishy."

Jared has to admit, it is. Maybe not fishy, but at least unusual. But it doesn’t make his best buddy gay and that’s exactly what he tells his girlfriend.

"You’re right, it doesn’t," Sandy shoots back. "It’s no proof. But an indication. Can you honestly say that you didn’t even think about it yourself?"

The actor shakes his head. "No. Honestly. Never occurred to me."

"Would you mind?" Now Sandy sounds curious, looking at Jared with honest interest.

His first urge is to shout "No, of course not", but Jared wants to give the question justice and thinks about it for a while, what it would mean to him if Jensen was gay, whether it would affect him at all.

"No," Jared answers after a while. "It wouldn’t make any difference. Jensen... he is one of my best friends and I love him, just the way he is. If that includes him being gay, it doesn’t matter. Maybe that’s what makes him exactly the special person he is."

Later that night, when Sandy is already sleeping peacefully next to him, Jared finds himself staring at the ceiling, wondering if his girlfriend is right. He can’t tell, doesn’t have the best gaydar ever...

Maybe she is right, maybe not...

In the end, Jared turns around, loops his arm over Sandy’s waist and comes to the conclusion that he can’t answer that question, that it doesn’t matter much anyways and that Jensen surely will tell him if there is something to tell, whenever he is ready.

~~

The news that the show is picked up for the whole season hits them while shooting.

The first person Jared hugs is Jensen, unbelievably grateful that they get more months of work. It’s not mainly about the pay check - even though that is a comforting thought - but about the show itself and most of all, about Jensen. The realization that Jared can act and be with his friend until the end of the season makes him warm and fuzzy and the happiest he has been in a while.

Looking into Jensen’s eyes though, Jared  doesn’t quite see the same joy there. Sure, he hugs him back and smiles, but if Jared isn’t much mistaken, the smile doesn’ t quite reach Jensen’s eyes. And when his friend accepts the crew’s congratulations, Jared observes a certain reluctance in Jensen’s behavior that leaves a stale taste in his mouth and a heavy feeling in his heart.

~~

It’s Saturday evening, some days after they got the great news.

Jared is sitting in his hotel room and is bored to death. Nothing he has to entertain him in that anonymous place seems appealing: no good films on TV, no books he is interested in reading right now and the video games are much more fun to play against someone, not alone.

He’s just thinking about calling Jensen when there’s a knock on his door.

Surprised, Jared gets up from the sofa and a glance through the spy hole tells him that it’s his co-star, probably as bored as him. A wave of joy washes over Jared and beaming brighter than the sun, he pulls the door open.

Jensen’s expression unfortunately doesn’t match his own. He seems tense, biting his lower lip and even Jared’s startling smile can’t chase the shadow around Jensen away.

"Hey Jay, got a minute?"

That alone is a weird question, because no matter how polite Jensen might normally be, both of them have stopped asking for entrance weeks ago. They simply know that they are always welcome at each other’s place.

"Sure. Come in." Jared waves him in, pointing roughly in the direction of the sofa.

Jensen is wrapped into a warm winter coat because the early October night is cold and although his face is flushed from the walk in the chill, it’s pale beneath. He neither strips shoes nor coat off, and only steps further into the room when Jared tugs him towards the sofa, confusion visible in the younger actor’s face.

"What’s wrong, Jen?" The question alone shows how well Jared knows Jensen by now and that only after half a year, both men communicate with so much more than words.

Eyebrows arched, Jensen looks at him with surprise, like he hadn’t expected his friend to sense his reluctance. "There’s something I have to tell you," he stammers.

"Anything. Anytime. But not at once, Jen." As Jensen’s eye widen in question, Jared add,. "You’re freezing. So, let me make it more comfortable for you. Get your coat off and have some coffee, okay?"

"I don’t want to bother you," Jensen replies, not looking at Jared any longer but at the ugly pattern on the carpet. "Won’t stay long."

Jared wonders where this insecurity suddenly comes from. Not even on the first day they met it was so obvious, but he is more than ready to chase it away, hopefully for good.

"Hey." He reaches out, placing his huge hand on Jensen’s forearm. "You never bother me. You’re always welcome at my place. So, get comfortable and I will make some coffee."

The mug Jared hands him a few minutes later is filled with scalding hot liquid, prepared exactly the way Jensen enjoys it the most. A little smile twitches over the older man’s face when he notices but he doesn’t drink, only wraps his slightly trembling hands around the mug to warm them.

There’s no need to say anything, so Jared just openly looks at his friend, waiting for the moment when Jensen’s ready to confide in him.

Pensively, the older man glances at the dark brown surface of his coffee, takes in a deep breath full of its delicious scent and then, a deep gulp of the beverage. He doesn’t seem to notice or care that it’s still too hot to drink.

Feverishly, Jared thinks about a way to make it a little easier for his friend, considers saying any kind of platitudes to calm Jensen down when his friends lets the cat out of the bag. "I’m gay, Jared," Jensen says, almost scared, into the quietness of the room.

The words are hanging between them and even though Sandy talked to Jared about it, it takes a while for him to process it. There’s always a difference between speculation and truth and although Jared will always stay true to his word, the words first have to sink in.

Now Jensen’s secret is out, he seems even more unsure than before, not like a load has been taken off him, more the contrary. Self-consciously, he doesn’t dare to look at Jared. Watching Jensen, Jared realizes that what he says and does n ow could very well be one of  the most important things ever, that it might clear the way to how their friendship develops in the future.

"It’s okay, Jen." His words are full of kindness and understanding. "Thanks for telling me. Thanks for your trust."

Jared isn’t completely sure, but it seems as if Jensen is relaxing a little. He dares to look up for a moment, green eyes meeting hazel, fear and hope meeting friendship and love.

"How can you say that, Jay?" His words are spiced with surprise and doubt. "How can it be okay? It’s a sin. I will burn in hell." A shiver runs through Jensen and he hugs himself, wrapping both arms around himself protectively, rubbing his upper arms to give himself a little warmth back.

Suddenly it ’s much clearer what darkens Jensen’s mind and Jared feels sick thinking about what his best friend might be going through.

"Who says that, Jen?"

"Dad."

Jared’s heart breaks for Jensen. His friend has mentioned his family, especially his father, who was such an inspiration for him, more than once, and Jared has never expected that there might be friction between father and son.

"With all due respect to your dad, Jen." He pauses. "That’s shit."

The older man shakes his head,  rigorously , like Jared has just claimed that the sky is green and Jensen wants to deny it.

There are more than a dozen questions that are whirling through Jared’s head, things he needs to find out, now that he knows but the most urgent one is to convince his friend that his dad is wrong.

The way it looks it’s a task that won’t be easy.

"Hey. Look at me."

When Jensen doesn’t look up at all he adds a softly spoken, "Please".

The fear in Jensen’s eyes is now underlined by wetness glistening in the green and it hurts Jared so much to see his friend like that. His instincts tell him to pull Jensen into his arms but this thing is so much bigger and can’t be healed with a hug, no matter with how much love it is given.

"Listen Jen. I only can guess what you’re going through. But please, believe me. It’s okay. There’s nothing wrong. Nothing wrong with being gay and nothing wrong with you. How  could it  be ? How can someone as caring and kind, as generous and adorable as you be a sinner? And most of all, how can love be a sin, Jen, when it’s the most wonderful thing in the world? I guess it can’t be easy, with your dad not accepting you, but don’t you listen to him, Jen. Don’t believe that you are worth any less than any straight man, because you aren’t, never will be." Jared pauses, takes a deep breath and then reaches over to take one of Jensen’s slightly shaking hands in his own. "For me, it doesn’t make any difference, buddy. You’re stuck with me, no matter what. I’ll always have your back."

One of the tears that are clouding Jensen’s eyes escapes, trailing its way down over freckled skin. Jared doesn’t hesitate a second, simply reaches out and brushes it away. The grip around his hand, at the beginning tentative, is now strong, like Jensen is clinging to him, and probably, he is.

"I don’t know." Jensen still seems unsure and torn.

Jared doesn’t blame him. Who knows for how long people told him that he is wrong?

He smiles at him affectionately. "I don’t expect you to, Jen. Things like that, they don’t change at once. But you will get there. Just... let me help you with it."

Hesitantly, Jensen nods.

Jared beams and then he finally is ready to open his arms, to convey everything else he feels with the way he likes best.

The inviting gesture to lean on opens the floodgates in his friend’s eyes. Suddenly, Jensen’s there, holding onto Jared, crying on his shoulder, wetting his tee with tears and snot. Jared doesn’t mind at all, but is grateful. For Jensen trusting him. For that gift he has, to make people feel better. But most of all, for meeting Jensen in the first place and having him in his life.

~

After weeping for what seems like several minutes, Jensen calms down a little, now only breathing hard against Jared’s shoulder. The younger man’s hand moves soothingly up and down Jensen’s back and his touches are accompanied by softly whispered words of comfort.

Slowly, Jared feels Jensen calm down even more until he drifts in and out of consciousness, the situation taking its toll.

"Hey, don’t fall asleep on me, man." Jared chuckles. "Come to bed. Your back will kill you otherwise."

The part of Jensen that understands shakes his head in an attempt to refuse, but Jared doesn’t want to hear any of it.

Carefully, he lets go of Jensen, gets up and gently tugs him with him, guiding him into the bedroom.

"Can’t. Wouldn’t want to." All of Jensen’s insecurity is wrapped into those few words, the fear to be second-class and rejected, just because of his sexuality.

"Sure I would want to, Jen. I told you, it doesn’t make a difference. It’s you. There’s no place I wouldn’t want to have you with me."

With determination though still carefully, Jared pushes Jensen onto the bed. He kneels down and wordlessly unties Jensen’s shoe laces, like he is a small kid that needs help, before he gets up again and takes sweatpants out of the closet.

"Get your pants off," he deadpans and he turns around to give his friend some privacy, even though there is nothing he hasn’t seen yet, them normally changing into their characters’ clothes together.

When Jared turns around again, Jensen is wearing the sweatpants and also has stripped off his sweater, his torso now only covered with a tee. All the same he still seems unsure, standing awkwardly next to Jared’s bed, like he is waiting for another invitation to spend the night there.

"Crawl in, Jen." Jared points at the free side of the bed invitingly. "It’s okay, it really is. It’s just me and you."

Finally, Jensen gets into bed and when Jared steps a little closer again, he notices that his friend is trembling.

"It’s okay." Jared doesn’t mind saying it again; if it’s the reassurance Jensen needs Jared wouldn’t mind to say it for the rest of his life.

Jared fetches a woolen blanket out of the closet, spreads it over Jensen for additional warmth before he covers his friend with the warm bedding.

"Give me five and I’ll be with you."

Changing his clothes and brushing his teeth in record time, because he doesn’t want to leave his friend alone for too long, Jared ma kes it back in less than five min utes. Once he returns, nothing has changed. Stiff as a board, Jensen is lying on the mattress, in exactly the same position Jared tucked him in. It makes Jared’s heart heavy in a way he can’t really explain and as he crawls in on his side of the bed, he realizes that he has a lot of work to do.

"Relax, Jen," Jared says before he leans over to switch off the light. "Just relax and go to sleep."

He doesn’t say anything for a while, just waits and listens until finally, he can feel the man next to him move a little, the mattress wobbling under the additional weight and Jensen’s breathing calms down.

"Sleep tight, Jen," he whispers.

It’s dark, so he doesn’t see the lonely tear that is escaping Jensen’s eye, not cried in pain, but in love.

~

A sharp gasp wakes Jared in the middle of the night.

It takes him a moment to remember that he isn’t alone, that Jensen is with him, still stirred by the evening’s revelation, confused and hurting over what people did to him, just because he is different.

The older man is breathing heavily and Jared notices that he struggles hard to keep it as quiet as possible, that he doesn’t want to wake Jared.

"It’s okay, Jen," Jared assures between two gasps.

The darkness makes it easier for Jensen because Jared can’t see his face, the humiliation that is written there.

"Sorry," he mumbles. "For waking you."

"Don’t be. Need anything? Water? Another blanket?"

"A hug?" he adds when Jensen doesn’t answer and it even lures a little chuckle out of his friend.

"Water would be great. My throat is dry as the desert," Jensen requests after a while.

Without switching the light on, because Jared kn ows the way, he leaves the bedroom and fetches a bottle of water from the fridge in the little kitchenette.

Once he’s back, he just leaves the door open so the light from the living-room can shimmer through. Jensen’s face lies in the darkness but Jared doesn’t think that he is better than a few hours earlier, maybe even worse.

He only closes the bedroom door when the water’s gone and Jensen leans back into the cushions.

"You okay, Jen?" It’s a stupid question, because obviously, Jensen isn’t and Jared knows it, but he wants to give him the chance to talk about it, if he wants to.

"A bad dream," the older man admits after a while. "I’ve dreamed it before."

"Want to tell me?"

"There is not much to tell. I stand upon a cliff and it's raining and there is so much fog. There’s a voice calling me, but I can never remember what it’s saying, just that I want to get there, and it just feels lonely and desperate, like a part of me is missing."

"You aren’t alone, Jen." Jared reaches out until his fingers touch his friend, coming to rest on Jensen’s chest, right over his heart. He spreads them, warm and wide and feels the soft beat underneath his fingertips.

Seconds or minutes pass until Jensen cups Jared’s hand with his own.

"Thank you." It’s only two words but they are said with so much gratitude that it warms Jared.

"Anytime."

His hand still pressed against Jensen’s chest, Jared slowly finds himself being dragged back to sleep but before he is completely gone, Jensen ’s voice brings him back.

"I was 15 when I found out that I was different. I knew it was wrong and for a while, I tried to repress it. But then, one day, I found myself kissing my best friend Matt... Only a couple of weeks later, Dad caught us." Jensen sighs."It was a stupid mistake because I thought my parents were gone for a while, but they returned home earlier and therefore, I didn’t lock my room. My dad... I’ve never seen him like this, Jay. His face was a grotesque mask of disbelief, shock and... disgust." Jensen only whispers the last words and it’s obvious how hard it is for him to talk about this. "He yelled at Matt, threw him out of the house and forbade him to ever see me again. I wished he would yell at me, but he didn’t, ignored me completely. He only talked to me months later. I know that he wanted to send me to some camp where they beat the gayness out of people but Mom... she begged him to leave me alone, and in the end, he did. They really had a crisis back then, Mom and Dad, because of me." Jensen swallows. "One day, Dad came into my room. He told me that he can’t tolerate what I am and that by no means I am allowed to bring my abnormality into the house, that I am a sinner and that he has never been so ashamed of anything like me being a fag. Even years later, when I was having my first small success as an actor and the whole family was proud, he said that as proud as he is of what I achieved, it can never make up for the disappointment of what I am."

Jared can only imagine what it must have felt - and still feels - like for Jensen to be treated like this. Not being allowed to be himself, with a father who can’t accept him the way he is and who can’t stop telling him how wrong he is.

"I’m so sorry, Jen". It’s such a platitude but Jared means it and he hopes his friend knows.

"It’s okay." Now it’s Jensen’s turn to say it. "We don’t mention it any longer. I just don’t bring the  topic home. Sometimes though, Dad looks at me like I am second-class and although he tries, I know he doesn’t love me as much as he does love Josh and Mac."

"And you know," Jensen adds before Jared can say anything. "I always thought he is right. To not love me like before and to treat me like a sinner. How can it be okay, to love a man? It’s unnatural and I knew it, from the beginning. I just wasn’t strong enough to change it, to resist the evil."

"Love is never evil, Jensen. It’s the purest of all feelings and things, the best that can happen to us. And being gay, it’s not something you can change. You can maybe deny it but deep down, you will always be that way. It’s not an illness that needs to be cured and deep down, my friend, you know it."

There’s something in Jared that wants to say more, tell Jensen that he loves him instead of his dad, but that’s just too much, even for them. So Jared doesn’t say anything at all, just presses his hand a little  more firmly  against Jensen’s chest, petting his fingers over the soft material of his tee and feels Jensen brushing his fingers over his.

It’s strangely intimate but Jared is too tired to think about how good and loving it feels.

His eyes get heavier and heavier until he falls asleep. The last thing he remembers is twining his fingers with Jensen’s, needing the contact as much as his friend.

~

When Jared wakes up again it’s because the weak autumn sun stabs her rays through the morning fog and tickles his nose. He doesn’t open his eyes at once, just enjoys the slow waking, the warmth of sleep and the presence of his friend next to him. Whether Jensen’s already awake or still sleeping, Jared can’t tell, but his breathing is calm and quiet and the knowledge that his friend  was at least granted half a night of good sleep relieves him.

Slowly, Jared opens his eyes, just to look at freckled skin and tired but open green eyes only a couple of inches away. It’s intense, the way Jensen is looking, like he could see right into the depth of Jared’s soul, perceiving all his emotions. Even though it’s strangely personal, it’s far from unwelcome.

"Morning." Jared yawns and smiles, only to get an equally tired "Morning" from Jensen in return.

"You better?"

Jensen nods. "I’m..."

"Stop it!" Jared laughs. "If you say that you’re sorry one more time you will indeed be sorry because then unfortunately, I will have to kill you."

It makes Jensen laugh as well.

"Thank you, Jay. Really. I can’t thank you enough. I told you because I thought you should know, now the show is picked up for the rest of the season, who you are really working with. And I expected... I didn’t know what to expect," he sighs, "but certainly not this."

"Jen, I know who I am working with. My best buddy. Everything else is secondary. Your sexuality seems to bother you, and that’s what makes it important to me, too. But other than that, I just see the same man I saw in the past six months. Maybe a bit clearer, but still, you’re the same."

There is nothing else Jared can say that he hasn’t said before and there is nothing Jensen can answer. They just share the silence and the knowledge that they are still only Jared and Jensen, co-stars and best friends and that Jensen made another step towards Jared.

"Hey," Jared suggests with big, greedy eyes, "what would you say about ordering a huge breakfast and spending the whole morning here?"

"Sounds great." A real smile flits over Jensen’s face. It makes Jared beam himself, just glad that his friend is staying and that he can prove that nothing has changed.

~

"Are you with someone, Jen?" Jared asks casually between two bites of his scrambled eggs. It’s a question that has bothered him since Jensen has come out. He can’t tell why he’s so curious but maybe the thought that he has to share his best friend with someone makes him a little jealous.

The other man shakes his head. "Nah." There’s sadness in those three little letters. "It’s okay, though."

Jared doesn’t buy it, of course it’s not okay. Nobody wants to be lonely and Jared can tell, no matter how much time they spend together and how close they are, Jensen is lonely on a level Jared can’t give him.

"I don’t want to risk what I’ve worked for, " Jensen offers once he sees the skepticism on his friend’s face. "Maybe I am a coward but, openly gay in our business... I don’t want to risk it, Jay. Then there’s the thing with my dad, who would, well, be even more ashamed if people knew. And look at our working schedules... I’d barely see him."

Jared laughs dryly because he can tell that his own long-distance relationship is a little harder than he thought it’d be.

"And," now Jensen blushes a little, "I want to have a relationship and many gay, well, they don’t, are just looking for sex. A good anonymous fuck once in a while is okay but nothing I want forever."

It’s weird to hear Jensen finally talk openly about things like that. It’s like his coming out opened a door to a part of him that Jared hadn’t known yet, giving him new insights and things to learn about his best friend.

The thought that Jensen screws around with guys once in a while is one that makes Jared a little uneasy, and he doesn’t even know why. It’s not that he never had one night stands... God, his buddy Chad is Mr. One Night Stand of the Year and Jared has never cared because he certainly isn’t bigot. So, that can’t be it. Maybe it’s just the imagination that creeps Jared out a little, seeing Jensen and a faceless stranger in some dirty bathroom, doing god knows what to his friend.

As much as Jared loves Jensen, he has to admit that he feels a little relieved to hear that his friend isn’t with anyone at the moment. Nevertheless, he wants him to be happy, knows that Jensen needs to find that happiness to be whole.

"You’ll find him, Jen." It’s an awful platitude but Jared means it, is sure that it will come to it.

Jensen shrugs. "Maybe."

"Sure. He’s already out there. You’re certainly not meant to be alone."

Avoiding Jared’s eyes, Jensen plays with the meanwhile cool bacon on his plate and shrugs again. "Hopefully".

It  doesn’t sound like there really is much hope left in Jensen and Jared guesses that there is much more to this topic than Jensen has given away. Jared just hopes that one day, his friend will be ready to confide in him completely.

**3**

He wouldn’t adm it it if you’d asked  him, but Jared is worried.

Jensen hasn’t called or texted for over a week. It makes Jared a lot of things but worried and unsure are on top of the list. Jared knows he’s behaving like a kid who was abandoned by his best buddy but he just can’t help it.

His co-star has always answered a call when Jared left a message. But apparently, the Jensen he has worked with and the Jensen who said goodbye four weeks ago and went back to LA while Jared flew home to Texas are two different guys.

Jared doesn’t know what to think about this. Was it all a dream? Did Jared just imagine the closest friendship of his life?

He really was sure that Jensen was a part of his life, that they reached the point where they shared almost everything, from the most mundane things to their deepest secrets, worries and wishes. But the daily calls from the first week soon became less frequent until they stopped completely a couple of days ago, leaving Jared in an emotional uproar, unsure what to think and do.

Unsettled like this, Jared can’t even completely enjoy his luxury vacation in the Caribbean where he arrived with Sandy the other day. Again and again, he finds himself unconsciously checking his mobile for texts or missed calls, even though he can’t have missed one anyways because he keeps it turned on around the clock and within reach, no matter where he goes.

It drives Sandy crazy and the tiff they just had wasn’t the first in the last few days.

Furiously, she stormed out of their apartment, leaving Jared alone on the terrace, staring into the distance where the ocean kisses the sky with every gentle wave. 

It’s weird, Jared thinks, how much he actually misses Jensen.

Like he left a part of him in Vancouver when they hugged goodbye at the airport. He misses the green depth of Jensen’s eyes, looking at him supportive or gentle, curious or amused. He misses the older man’s laugh joining his or the feather-like touch of Jensen’s hand on his shoulder. And most of all, he misses his friend’s voice, revealing so much about himself, not only the things he said but also the things he didn’t say, emotions he wasn’t able to wrap into words.

Jared can’t tell how long he’s been sitting in that kind of trance, staring at the romantic scenery without really taking it in, when his phone rings, the ring tone announcing that the caller is Jensen. Finally.

A wave of joy washes over the younger actor before it is chased away by disappointment and annoyance towards the man who hadn’t bothered to answer any of his texts for over one long week.

"Jensen." Jared knows it’s not the friendliest greeting ever and he tries for a neutral tone, but he just can’t help being mad. "What gives me the honor of your call?" Sarcasm drips like venom from his words.

There is a little pause of insecurity. "Hey. Man. I’m sorry. But I’ve been busy."

Nosy as Jared is he wonders of cour se what might have made his friend so busy but he is moping and pouting and doesn’t want to give Jensen the satisfaction to ask.

"Really?" It’s ironic and bitchy but Jared doesn’t care. Doesn’t care that he is five years old and back in kindergarten where his best friend suddenly decided that Tim Johnson is so much cooler than him.

"Yeah. Look. I umm... met someone."

Those news pull Jared out of his self-pitying at once and his pride not to show much interest is forgotten. "Like  _someone_ someone?!"

He almost can see Jensen blushing and although Jared is still a little upset about his friend’s behavior, he can’t hold back a small teasing whistle that escapes his lips.

"Ummm... Yeah."

"Wow." What a stupid comment, because it’s not that Jensen just achieved something world-changing or record breaking, but it’s still big news and really unexpected, although now Jensen’s silence makes sense. Of course it awakens Jared’s curiosity at once. "Tell me about him, Jen. Like, everything." He laughs.

"Not much to tell." Jensen sighs, shy and withdrawn like always when it comes to things like that. "A buddy of one of Steve’s buddies. Met him at a party. Name’s Martin. My age."

"Is he hot?" Jared just can’t keep himself from asking, giggling a little, just to make Jensen even more uncomfortable.

"Jay!" If Jensen was slightly flushed before, he is probably red as a ripe tomato now.

"Hey, I need to know. Just want you to have the best."

"He’s cool. Funny. Kind," Jensen describes affectionately. "And yeah, he is hot."

Jared grins. "I’m happy for you, Jen. You deserve it." It’s no lie but as Jared says it he feels a strange sadness he can’t really put a name to.

"Thanks." Jensen’s voice vibrates with gratitude and relief. "Listen, I’m sorry, about not calling earlier. Freaking you out."

"I wasn’t..."

Jensen laughs. "Of course not. I’m sure the several dozen texts and calls you made were all a big mistake." Jared joins the laughter and mutters something incomprehensible between his giggles. "I know I should have told you sooner. Wanted to. But it was all so new, still is and we still don’t know where we stand."

"Hey. Don’t worry, man," Jared assures him. "Yeah, I was pissed. But now I know, I understand. Really. I know how it is, falling for someone. Just ask Chad how I was when I met Sandy. I had it so bad for her that I forgot to call Mom on her birthday."

Jared laughs even though there wasn’t much to laugh about when he finally remembered what he had forgotten - only thanks to his sister. Jensen joins in and it’s almost like nothing has changed.

But it has.

Other than before, Jared has to share his best friend with someone else and he hates to admit that the gnawing feeling inside him is jealousy, even though he has no right to be jealous at all.

~~

Jared tries hard not to look. But instead of holding eye contact with Sandy, his eyes swipe over to the semi-lit corner of the room where Jensen is making out with Martin again and again. The men’s bodies are almost glued together, Jensen’s arms curled around the other guy and their lips only part to take gasping breaths before they connect again, swiping over turgid lips, stubbled cheeks or any other body parts they can reach, from ear to neck and shoulder.

It’s been a couple of weeks since Jensen told Jared about his new-found love and it’s visible how happy the older man is. His face is carved with less lines, he is more outspoken, louder and a hint happier, booming with laughter again and again and there is a warm glow of hope in Jensen’s eyes Jared has never seen there before. 

Jared wishes he could love Martin for making his best friend so happy, but he doesn’t even manage to at least like or respect him. It barely happens that Jared doesn’t get along with someone, but Jensen’s boyfriend joined the short list.

At first, Jared tried so hard, putting on forced smiles, saying overly-friendly things to the guy but meanwhile, Jared’s attempts to be at least friendly and polite towards Martin are only halfhearted. No matter what he says, it seems to annoy the guy, no matter what Jared does, they’re just not on the same wavelength.

Something isn’t right about that man. It isn’t because of the way Martin looked at Jared the first time they met, measuring and disapproving, like he was some vermin Martin would love to scrunch. It’s the way Martin looks at Jensen, a hint of possessiveness in his glance. It’s the way his lover touches Jensen sometimes, not gentle, but rough, tugging him away from Jared as if he were bad company, his co-star only throwing him an apologetic glance. But most of all, it’s just because ever since Martin came into Jensen’s life, the older man seems to drift away from Jared a little more with each passing day. Now it’s Martin, not Jared anymore, who is the center of Jensen’s world and Jared wishes that it could have been him, not Martin, who makes his friend so happy and relaxed.

"Don’t stare, hon," Sandy whispers into Jared’s ear, touching his cheek with her small hand, turning his head so that he doesn’t see the happy couple anymore, just Sandy’s big, brown eyes.

"I ..." Jared wants to explain, but there is Sandy’s index finger, silencing him.

"It’s okay. I know you are scared."

Jared shakes his head vehemently, eager to deny it, but Sandy knows him just too well.

"Don’t lie to me, JT. I understand, I really do. But try to understand Jensen as well. He is in love and at the moment, that’s the only thing he sees, only  Martin. But that doesn’t change the fact that he adores you even if he barely shows it now. But don’t worry. Jensen will always be a part of your life, hon."

"Sometimes I doubt it." Ashamed that his eyes fill up with tears in a room fu ll of people, Jared buries his head between Sandy’s breasts, taking deep breaths to chase his tears away, her familiar scent helping him to calm down.

The thought that he misses hugging Jensen like Sandy hugs him now, comforting and supporting, doesn’t even surprise him.

Jared’s heart isn’t the only one on the verge of breaking.

~~

Jared’s look says more than a thousand words, shows how disappointed he is that Jensen is calling off their camping weekend. Again.

It’s not that Jared doesn’t understand, because he does. He misses Sandy day in, day out and craves for the weekends he sees her again. But he always tries to split his free time in time with his girlfriend and time with his buddies, simply because both are important to him. That’s why he was so eager to spend that weekend in the mountains with Jensen in the first place, why he even called off his own weekend with Sandy - and why it hurts so much that Jensen is flaking on him now, hours before they are due to leave.

"Jay, please. You’ve got to understand. Martin’s almost as busy as I. I haven’t seen him for ages."

"Come on!" Jared throws his long arms into the air, gesturing wildly. "You saw him two weeks ago. We actually wanted to go to the cabin that weeken d, and you called it off, remember? I called my weekend with Sandy off to be with you, who, by the way I haven’t seen for a lot longer!" If Jared pouts like a little girl and sounds as if he is being stood up by his da te, he doesn’t care.

Jensen looks helpless and torn and there really is something like regret in his eyes as he says, "I’m sorry, Jay."

It doesn’t help Jared in the least. "Whatever."

Cold eyes pierce Jensen for a moment before Jared turns around and leaves, not glancing back once.

For the rest of the day, the atmosphere on set is as cold as Jared’s glance and he completely ignores Jensen, only talks to him when necessary or when he’s in character. He doesn’t miss the questioning, slightly worried looks of the director or the crew, but couldn’t care less. Why should he, when Jensen stopped caring for everything that was once important?

When Jared steps into his apartment some hours later and tosses his small duffel into a corner of his small hallway his eyes sting traitorously. Rubbing them in annoyance until the last glimmer of wetness is gone, Jared grabs the bottle of Single Malt he intended to bring for the weekend. With every mouthful, Jared’s heart doesn’t grow lighter but heavier, feeling lonely and helpless.

Once the bottle is gone and the music in the background becomes as indistinct as his eyesight, Jared passes out into the heavy unconsciousness of a drunk, being haunted by disturbing nightmares he can’t recall the next morning.

~

Jared has spent one of his most unproductive days ever. Waking with the headache of the century and a taste like an army of bugs had died in his mouth, Jared was robbed of all his energy, his only goal in life to drag himself into his more comfortable bed, sleeping again before he even could muster enough strength to make himself a huge pot of coffee and force himself to eat some toast and cereal.

Only hours later, Jared was sober. He watched some TV and eventually called his sister, something he wanted to do for days. Talking to her for over an hour was the best distraction he could have wished for and even the latest gossip from home was welcome. When she promised him that things with Jensen would be getting better sooner or later, after the first love-sickness was gone, Jared thought she might be right.

~

The TV a drowsy buzz in the background, Jared has been dozing the evening away, gliding in and out of a sleep that luckily isn’t filled with unsettling dreams.

Gliding deeper and deeper into the cocoon of sleep, Jared suddenly is pulled out of that sweet nothingness when his cell rings. Stubbornly, he listens to the ring tone, playing the song Jared chose for Jensen longer than ever before until f inally, it goes to voicemail.

Of course, his friend doesn’t leave a message.

Jared tries to be satisfied with himself for not answering it, but he can’t help being upset about it. A couple of months ago, he was longing to hear this ringtone. But a couple of months ago, everything was different. 

He sighs.

Barely five minutes later, his cell rings again.

It’s way past midnight, Jared only notices now. Why should Jensen call him at this ungodly hour? Probably, it’s nothing but a fun call, like the ones they sometimes make during hiatus, when they are with someone else and wasted but want to share their poppycock with the other. Jared really isn’t in the mood for something as mundane as this but after a second thought and some inner fight, he answers nonetheless.  "Jen?"

There is nothing, just the static buzz of the cell connection and breathing. It’s harsh. Uneasy. Hurting.

Jared knows at once that something is wrong.

"Jen?"

"Jay." It’s only three letters but the way Jensen whispers them freaks Jared out completely.

"What happened?"

Silence is the only answer Jared gets.

"Jensen. Talk to me, man! What’s wrong?" Jared is on the verge of getting hysteric as a thousand scenarios are running through his imaginative mind, one more terrible than the other.

"Can you... please... come and... get me?" Jensen talks like every word is a huge effort.

"Where are you?" There is not even a hint of hesitation in the question. No matter what had happened - or rather, hadn’t happened - in the past few weeks of their friendship, if Jensen needs him, Jared comes. No matter when and where.

"Cabin."

"Okay, Jen. I’ll be there asap."

Hardly five minutes later, Jared is in his car, rushing over the empty moonlit streets, Jensen’s plea still ringing in his ear.

~

Jared can’t repress the shocked gasp when he faces Jensen a little less than an hour later. His friend’s face is swollen and bloody, his eyes bloodshot and he moves like an 80-year-old senior, not the mid-twenty actor he is. Worst of all though are the tears that cloud his eyes and that start to run freely the moment he opens the wooden door, a lost look on the face that was so happy only a few days ago.

Awkwardly, Jensen just stands in the dimly lit hallway, sobbing like there is no tomorrow, too shattered to give any explanation. Not that Jared needs one, because the mess his friend is in tells the story well enough.

"Shhh Jen. It’s okay now. I’m here. I’m going to take good care of you," Jared promises as he gently touches Jensen’s shoulder and guides him into the bathroom.

The cabin is Tom’s and Jared and Jensen have stayed here before, so he knows his way around. After placing Jensen on the toilet seat, Jared is hurriedly looking for the first aid kit and luckily finds it almost at once, tidily stored in one of the bathroom cabinets. 

As gently as possible, Jared washes the blood away with a soft towel but no matter how careful he is, Jensen flinches in pain under each of Jared’s touches. Once Jared can see the real damage done to Jensen’s face, several skin-deep cut wounds, he cleans them with iodine. Even though Jensen fights hard to be strong, he hisses whenever Jared touches his face, new tears clouding his eyes.

It breaks Jared to see his friend in so much pain. There isn’t anything to say, so as Jared attends to Jensen’s injuries, he conveys everything he feels in his soft and tender touches and the warm glow of his eyes.

"As good as new," Jared says quietly when he is done, two band-aids now adorning Jensen’s poor face. "Let me check your upper body now, okay?"

An almost imperceptible nod allows Jared to help Jensen out of his clothes, his face a grotesque mask of pain as Jensen lifts his arms.

Shocked, Jared stares at Jensen’s horribly bruised right side and when he reaches out his gentle fingers to touch the sensitive skin, Jensen can’t repress a sharp, hurting breath.

"God, Jen..." The unspoken question what this asshole did to him lies between them but Jensen isn’t ready to talk about it yet and it isn’t Jared’s top priority to know anyways. All he cares about is to make sure that his friend will be alright.

"That looks really bad, Jen. Maybe I should take you to the hospital. The ribs might be broken, or the spleen ruptured."

The older man shakes his head. "Please, don’t."

It’s the first two words Jensen has spoken since Jared arrived and he sounds so broken that Jared doesn’t argue, against better judgment. "Okay. But if you’re feeling worse I’ll take you to the nearest hospital."

Jensen shrugs.

The only thing Jared can do is to tenderly rub a generous amount of ointment onto the huge bruise, hoping it will ease Jensen’s pain a little. He also carefully palpates Jensen’s stomach. Not that he knows anything about this, but other than when he touches his chest, his friend doesn’t grimace or flinch, so Jared just hopes that there really are no internal injuries.

Once that is done, Jared wordlessly hands Jensen a glass of water and some Advil before he leads him out of the bathroom. It’s a big cabin, more like a house, with three bedrooms. Certain that the master bedroom is the one Jensen and Martin shared, he turns towards one of the smaller ones, choosing the one he and Jensen stayed in last time.

The air inside smells of dust and a little stale and the beds aren’t made. The comfortable armchair is still standing in the same corner where Jared put it last time to look out of the window and over the mountains. He guides Jensen, who is meanwhile heavily shaking because of the shock, there, pushing him down gently.

"Cold," Jensen splutters while his teeth chatter heavily.

"It’s the shock, Jen," Jared explains, tugging a blanket out of the closet, wrapping it around his friend before he squats down in front of him and rubs his warm palms against Jensen’s arms for additional warmth and comfort. "It’s okay now, Jen. You’re safe. It’s over."

He stays like this for a couple of minutes, in the end only holding Jensen’s hands until the tremble slowly fades away.

"Let me just make the beds." The linens are kept in the closet and a couple of minutes later it’s done. Blanket still tightly wrapped around Jensen, Jared almost carries his friend to the bed, lying down next to him before he tugs them both in.

"Now sleep, Jen."

"I...," the older man tries to explain but Jared only shakes his head.

"Not now, Jen. That’s for tomorrow. Now you just sleep."

When Jared leans over to brush his lips over his friend’s temple, Jensen’s eyes are already closed and his breath has evened out.

Jensen will never know that Jared kissed him goodnight and that his dream came true the same day when all his hope almost died.

~

Jared doesn’t dare to sleep. Physically and emotionally exhausted as he might be, Jared just can’t risk it, too scared that something might happen to his friend.

First, he just watches over Jensen. Listens to the quiet breathing and the occasional whimper that indicates that Jensen doesn’t have the best of dreams. Watches the sheet move with every soft rise and fall of Jensen’s chest, his eyelids flutter once in a while or his face scrunch in pain when he moves and puts too much weight on his hurt side.

After a while, Jared gets up, only to return with a huge mug of coffee and some random book he found in one of the shelves in the living-room. Reading is a hopeless venture though. Jared just can’t concentrate on the book and after a couple of minutes he already gives up, not even recalling what the first few pages were about.

The events of the whole weekend just unsettle him too deeply to get distracted by something as mundane as a novel.

The fight, the feeling of being abandoned and neglected.

The worry of losing Jensen.

The loneliness.

And then, when Jensen called, the fear...

The fear was the worst. Not knowing what was wrong, just that something was wrong.

But everything is overpowered by Jared’s shame. He didn’t even answer Jensen’s first call... Only reluctantly answered the second... What if Jensen hadn’t called again and would now lie here all alone in the dark?

Jensen must have struggled before he finally called, Jared ponders.

His best friend, just too damn proud and stubborn to ask for help, must have felt real desperation before he grabbed his cell and dialed Jared’s number. The image of a bleeding and hurting Jensen, sitting shaking on the cold floor, struggling with himself, not sure if he could call Jared, if he really would come to help, makes Jared sick and tightens his chest. He almost ignored and abandoned Jensen, just because he was as proud as his friend...

In the end though, neither of them were. In the end, Jensen had asked for help and Jared had answered, in the end, their friendship was stronger than pride and stubbornness. The knowledge that Jensen trusted him enough to call warms Jared’s heart and gives him that prickling feeling in his tummy he so often gets when he’s thinking of Jensen or spends time with him.

Sandy was right. Jensen still adores him.

He watches his best friend, a smile so loving on his lips that it would take Jared’s own breath away if he could see himself. Reaching out, Jared ghosts his finger over the uninjured part of his friend’s face, soft like a warm summer breeze.

"Thanks for trusting me."

As if Jensen has heard it, he turns around and Jared can see all of his friend’s face. It’s disfigured, with one side almost completely swollen but it’s peaceful. It’s still so beautiful. It’s Jensen.

~

Slowly, Jared watches dawn chasing the night away and when the golden autumn sun is shining brightly into the room and tickling their faces, Jensen wakes up.

"Jay?" Jensen looks at him in wonder, like he forgot what happened the night before, and maybe he has, for that first few moments of waking, when everything is blurred.

Even before Jared can say something, Jensen’s face darkens, the memories clearly coming back, his injuries badgering enough to chase the surprise in the older actor’s gaze away.

"God," he breathes out when the gravity of what happened hits him again. "God Jay." His voice breaks and the tears are back, clearly visible in the one eye that is completely open.

Jared’s there. He slides closer to his friend, carefully looping his arm around Jensen’s sore side, holding him gently. There’s no words of comfort to offer, nothing he could say to make the acceptance any easier and so Jared just lets Jensen cry, get the pain, disappointment and shame out of his system. The spot on his shirt is growing but Jensen is still shaking, still gasping incoherent words, still clinging to Jared as if he was a life-belt.

Maybe he is.

Minutes or hours and countless soft strokes of Jared’s hand against Jensen’s head and neck later, the older man’s tears run dry.

There is a moment of awkward silence when Jensen realizes how much he let himself fall and how much of his true self he just showed. Suddenly he’s feeling naked and exposed, shifting uncomfortably under the suddenly too warm cover, burying his head in the pillow, their mingled scents strong in his nose. The shiver that runs through Jensen’s body and that Jared can feel under his palm in his friend’s twitching muscles just underlines that impression.

"Better?" Jared asks while he gently takes his hand away and moves enough to give Jensen some space again.

A barely perceptible nod is Jensen’s only answer but Jared doesn’t really believe it. He has the feeling that it might take a little longer until his friend is really feeling better.

"Good," he says anyways. "Need something? Water? Painkiller?"

"Mmm." It sounds affirmative enough that Jared regards it as an answer.

He leaves for the kitchen, taking his time to fetch the water and some meds, just to give his friend a little time for himself, to regain some of the composure he lost so completely.

It works, because when Jared returns a couple of minutes later, Jensen is sitting up against a heap of pillows that cushion his hurting back and side. With his heavily bruised face and the red rimmed and puffy eyes, one barely open because it’s so swollen, he looks broken though.

Jared sits down on the side of Jensen’s bed, handing him the glass and two pills, and, when the pills are swallowed and the first thirst is stilled, some ice for his swollen face.

"I’ll call Eric," Jared offers. "Tell him you had some sort of accident and are horribly bruised."

The older man mouths his thanks, not daring to look into his friend’s face.

Every pore of Jared wants to reach out and touch Jensen, hug the pain away and tell him that everything’s going to be fine in the end, but he doesn’t move. He just sits there, next to his friend, holding the ice bag against Jensen’s cheek as the older man’s hands are shaking too bad to do it himself.

He waits, until Jensen is ready to tell him what exactly happened.

It doesn’t happen for a long time. Only once the ice in the bag has melted and Jared decides to clean up the cabin that still holds evidence of the occurrences because of broken glasses, knocked over chairs and Jensen’s blood on the tiles, does the older man clear his throat.

"He betrayed me, Jay." Jensen is shaking with anger and embarrassment. "I caught him with some strange guy. And you know what he did once I took him to task? He laughed at me. Called me a pussy. I wanted to leave but he grabbed my arm, hard, tried to restrain me." Hurt, anger and helplessness drop from every word. "I struggled, tried to break free. That’s when he beat me the first time. I managed to get away but he followed. He banged against the door and when I refused to open, he broke the window in the other bedroom and came in." Jensen’s one seeing eye is wide open and blown like it was in the night as he is reliving his fear. "First, he pleaded with me. Asked me to forgive him, promised that it won’t happen again, that it didn’t mean anything, that it was just a blow-job. When I didn’t give in, when I told him to just fucking leave, he freaked out. He was furious. Ranted and started to throw things at me. I was scared, Jay." Jensen’s lower lip is trembling. "When he noticed, he laughed maniacally. Told me that the guy wasn’t the first, that he fucked others when I wasn’t at hand. He came closer until I was pressed against the wall and there was no escape." Jensen sniffs once, twice, thrice, rubbing his hand over his face, flinching in pain under his touch. "Then he beat me again. And again. Eventually I lost consciousness because when I woke up, I was lying on the floor, bleeding like a pig. I don’t know for how long I was lying there. Some time later, I called you, Jay. That’s also when I noticed that he stole my car and wallet."

Jared heart aches with all the pain and abuse Jensen had to endure. "I’m glad you did, Jen," Jared whispers, putting all his love into those words. "Thanks for letting me help."

Even though every move must hurt Jensen, he shakes his head. "I know I’ve been a shitty friend, Jay. After everything I did... after Friday... I wasn’t sure you would come. But you did."

"That’s what friends are for, Jen. And no matter what, you’ll always be my friend."

A little smile twitches over Jensen’s mangled face. "Yeah. You too."

It’s enough to put all the disordered pieces back together, giving Jared a reassurance of their friendship he has never felt before.

~~~

It’s their last weekend together before Christmas hiatus. Both men are sprawled out on the couch and boxes of Chinese food and a couple of beer bottles are scattered over the coffee table.

The atmosphere is easy and they giggle over the most ridiculous things they see on telly while zapping through the countless channels. They keep watching something, only to move on to the next channel sooner or later.

Wiping his eyes at some silly joke Jensen made, Jared at first doesn’t even notice that the movie he switched to isn’t funny at all. He only does when Jensen’s guffaw dies abruptly and his body, so relaxed mere moments ago, goes rigid. It’s like his friend can’t take his eyes away from what he sees, even though it unsettles him so immensely. With pervert fascination, Jensen stares at the screen, watching a guy beating the crap out of another guy, in a room that even reminds Jared slightly of Tom’s cabin.

Jared can’t tell what the film is about and he doesn’t intend to find out as he immediately switches the TV off the second he realizes what that fight scene does to his friend. Jensen is distraught, shakes heavily and there are tears running down his face he probably doesn’t even notice.

"Jensen!" Jared calls his friend, softly touching his hand to get him out of his trance. "Hey. Get out of it."

After that first morning, Jensen hadn’t mentioned Martin again and Jared was fine with that, happy to forget the man he now hates with a passion for abusing and humiliating his friend. Playing down the incident, Jensen acted like everything was peachy and fooled everyone but Jared, maybe even himself.

Jared though never believed that what happened hadn’t left a huge scar inside his friend, that it hadn’t hurt Jensen and that Martin’s betrayal had been nothing, like Jensen claimed while his bruises still were the color of a rainbow. Jared never bought it, because he had been there. He had seen the tears and pain and ever since Jared has been waiting for his friend to break, just hoping that he would be there to catch Jensen again.

Now as it happens, Jared just prays that he is strong enough.

"It’s okay, Jen," he comforts calmly. "It’s over. Nothing’s going to happen. Not anymore. I’m here."

The words are hanging between them like the snow-filled clouds that darken the day and silence spreads over them like the snow that covers the city. They are everything Jensen wants or needs them to be. Comfort. Reassurance. And most of all, an invitation to confide in Jared.

Jensen takes it because if he can’t trust Jared, he can’t trust anyone and the little part in him that still loves and hopes knows that the younger man won’t judge him and won’t love him less, no matter if he breaks, no matter how he exposes himself.

"Why, Jay? Why didn’t he love me enough? Hurt and leave me? Why does that always happen to me? What did I do wrong?" His face is a mask of pain and doubt, the despair audible in each of the questions.

It’s not that Jared has an answe r. Jensen knows that as well as he knows that he sounds like an over-emotional teenager on the verge of breaking. But ever since the day his dad had caught him with Matt, a part of Jensen hadn’t stopped to feel like that, hadn’t stopped to doubt himself and the things that happened later didn’t help to change those feelings.

"I don’t know, Jen," Jared whispers helplessly. "I wish I knew, because then, maybe, I could make it easier for you. But I don’t know. And I don’t get it. How someone can hurt you so much when everything about you is just so lovable."

A dry huff tells Jared that Jensen seriously doubts that.

"It’s hard, Jen. I know it is. But it isn’t your fault. It isn’t your fault that your dad doesn’t accept you the way you are. It isn’t your fault either that Martin is a fucker who couldn’t see what so many other people see in you, Jen." Jared’s speech is full of passion. "It’s his loss. I’m sorry he hurt you so badly. If I could, if it would make you feel better, I would beat the crap out of him. But it wouldn’t take your pain away and he’s not worth it anyways. Jen, you deserve so much better. And I know, you’ll get what you deserve. Just have a little patience."

"You know," Jensen sighs sadly, "that’s what Chris said, too. After Tony."

Jared’s eyes widen in question. Tony is a name he has never heard before and he wonders if he’s the missing piece to the mystery that is Jensen, to the last few things Jared doesn’t know about his best friend yet.

"He was my first boyfriend," Jensen reveals. "Met him the year I came to LA. Fell head over heels in love, stupid me." He laughs dryly. "He wasn’t any better than Martin. Not as violent, but a cheati ng, lying bastard and possessive in his own sick sort of way." Jensen’s hands are formed into fists, nails digging painfully into the heel of his hand. There’s a shadow darkening his face and even before Jensen admits it, Jared has a sick foreboding of what happened.

"One day, after a party, when we were heavily drunk, he.... forced me. I didn’t want to, too wasted to think straight but he... he didn’t care. And I was too weak to prevent it..." The words are only whispered and full of the humiliation and shame Jensen still feels about what happened.

He doesn’t speak about how dirty he felt, like a piece of meat that can be used for another man’s pleasure, not only directly after it happened but also in the years that followed. Jensen also doesn’t confess about how close he was to jump off the nearest bridge, the only thing that held him back the fear of rotting in hell for eternity if he committed suicide. And he doesn’t say either that the scars inside only slowly healed because of months of therapy, heavy antidepressants and because friends like Chris or Jason never gave up on him.

Jensen doesn’t need to. Jared can read the story of his life in his moist eyes, in his posture, in the beaten, ashamed look and he understands that Jensen is almost where he was back then, barely holding it together, just waiting for the straw that breaks the camel’s back to bring him back over the edge.

For a couple of moments, Jared is overwhelmed. He is an actor, not a shrink. He isn’t trained to handle such things, such problems. The weight he suddenly feels on his shoulder seems to crush him and he wonders what he, some goofy kid from San Antonio, could do to help a man who is broken like that, no matter how much he loves, admires and adores Jensen.

But then he looks into Jensen’s eyes for a second. They are swimming with tears and Jared hates seeing Jensen broken, hurting and self-conscious like that. He wants to see his best friend smile, not grieve and he would do everything to charm that smile back on Jensen’s lips.

"You’re strong, Jen," Jared finally says. "You made it once, you will make it again. Proof everyone, including yourself, wrong. Just lean back and trust me. Together, we’ll make it."

Jensen literally leans back, over to where Jared is sitting next to him, leaning against him.

"I’ve got you, Jensen. Now just close your eyes. Trust me. And tell me what’s on your mind."

Jensen does. He closes his eyes, lets himself cocoon by Jared’s long, strong arms and confides in his friend. When Jared’s hold feels a little too tight and his friend’s presence a little too close, he stands up, pacing the room, looking out of the window into the dark Vancouver night, his view to the next building obstructed by the heavy snowfall.

He talks until his throat is raw and dry and Jared gets a cramp in his left leg from sitting in the same position for ages.

Jared doesn’t mind. He’s never felt so trusted before. Jensen pours out his heart to him, telling him everything but the most important thing, giving Jared the 99% he has never given to anyone else.

"Now you know," Jensen ends his revelations, his voice heavy with tiredness.

"Now I know."

Before Jared has the chance to say anything else though, Jensen is gone. Maybe he doesn’t want to see his best friend’s face, scared for what Jared’s expression might tell him. Maybe he just needs some time to himself after stripping himself off emotionally, confiding almost everything there is to confide. Or maybe, Jensen is just exhausted, is longing for the warm comfortable bed and the soft embrace of sleep that might allow him to forget everything for a couple of hours.

Time is ticking away and when more than half an hour has passed and Jared hasn’t heard a thing from the other rooms, no matter how hard he is pricking his ears, he goes to look for his friend.

He finds Jensen curled up into a ball, only a bit of his freckled face and tousled hair visible under the warm comforter. His dream is easy and peaceful, not disturbed with nightmares like it has been so often in the past weeks.

There are so many things Jared wants to tell his friend, and now, as he watches Jensen sleep once more, he risks it, because it’s easier that way, not seeing the reaction and surprise in his friend’s face.

Jared doesn’t know where to start though. So he goes for the simplest and truest of all.

"I love you."

Jensen will never know that Jared whispered it at all. But Jared hopes he knows it anyways.

**4**

Cross-legged, both actors are sitting on the small sofa in Jensen’s trailer, thumbing through the pages of the scripts for the Season 2 finale that had just been delivered, curious on how the story is going to end.

Jensen is the first who finds the most interesting part - on the last page of the script.

"Sam’s going to die," he informs Jared out of the blue.

"Well, I think I need to look for a new job, then," Jared deadpans, only to hide his real emotions. There haven’t been any news about a renewal yet and as far as Jared knows, no one from the network has contacted his agent. The possibility that his words might come true is real and it scares the shit out of him. Not mainly being unemployed, but strangely and most importantly, not working alongside Jensen any longer.

"They wouldn’t dare, Jay," Jensen tries to reason.

Scrunching up his face, Jared shrugs. "Who knows."

"Let’s find out," Jensen takes the script for  _All Hell Breaks Loose II,_ skimming through the first few pages.

His glance is neutral until his eyes suddenly widen in surprise.

"Holy shit!" he calls out.

"Don’t tell me I’m still dead, Jen." Now Jared sounds slightly panicked.

"Nope. You aren’t. Dean... he makes a deal."

Jared whistles in surprise. "Like John made one? With a demon?"

"Yep."

"Then don’t tell me it’s Dean who’s going to die in the end."

The older actor shakes his head. "Nah. I get one year."

"One year," Jared murmurs thoughtfully. After two years on the show, he knows well enough that one year is a long time for the Winchesters and that a lot of things can happen in that time. But the relief he felt just moments ago when he found out that his character won’t die - at least at once - is gone, chased away by the fear that it will be Dean at the end of next season. The thought alone of doing the show without Jensen makes him slightly nauseous and the imagination of being on set on his own is even worse than the imagination of leaving it and Jensen behind. "Shit. I hope it won’t mean that they kill Dean off and that you need to look for a new job next year."

Now it’s Jensen’s turn to shrug. "Who knows. We’ll have to wait and see. Doubt that Eric will tell us. Maybe he doesn’t even know himself, you know that bastard." He chuckles but then he suddenly becomes really serious, staring onto the printed words. 

"Jensen? You okay?"

"Yeah. Sure," he claims. "I’ve just been thinking. It’s going to be tough to act, this last scene."

Jared doesn’t answer before he has finished reading the scenes in question. "It will. But you will manage, Jen."

If Jared’s phone hadn’t started ringing that very moment, the younger man would have seen the doubt on his best friend’s face.

~~~

"Have you ever loved someone so much that you’d die for them?"

The question pulls Jared out of the embrace of sleep he has been gliding into. It’s a few days after they have received the scripts and they are on their way back home after a long and exhausting day.

Each of his friends, Jared would call a princess for asking that question. That’s stuff chicks talk about, lying together on fluffy pillows, wearing pink PJs, not guys on their way home from work. But Jensen isn’t like any of his other buddies. Things with him are different, more... personal and intimate and the things they’ve already shared definitely gives him the right to ask such a question no matter how unusual it is. And it gives Jensen the privilege of getting an honest answer.

"I ummm, don’t really know," Jared admits, after thinking about it for a while, the soft purr of the car’s engine the only sound between the two men. "I mean... I think I wouldn’t hesitate saving someone I love, from like, a burning building... and if I died in the attempt... well, then it’s meant to be. But dying willingly? Like Dean does for Sam? I really can’t tell."

Jensen doesn’t give his point of view, just watches Jared, like he knows that the younger man still has something to say. "You know, I love my family. Friends. Sandy. Especially her. But if I’d tell you that I wouldn’t think twice about making a deal for her... it would be a lie. You often say such cheesy things, about loving someone more than your own life. But I’m not sure if I do and if I’d really die for her." Jared is almost shocked by his own revelation, already feeling a little guilty and ashamed about it, wondering what his best friend might think about him now. "Does that make me a bad person, Jen?"

"Of course not, Jay." Warmth and care seep through Jensen’s voice. "It’s hard to find someone to love as much as Dean loves his Sammy."

Jared nods. That’s what makes the show so special, that bond that makes both brothers do everything for each other. "Have you? Ever loved someone as much?"

"Yeah. I have. I do."

Jensen doesn’t reveal anything else and they spend the rest of the drive home in comfortable silence. Jared can’t speak for Jensen, but his mind is definitely too occupied too talk, wondering who the person is Jensen loves so much that he would die for them.

~~

Working with Jensen for two years has taught Jared a lot about the older actor’s skills and methods. He knows all the tricks Jensen uses to get into his "Dean-mood", what bothers or helps him while acting or what he needs to prepare for a particularly hard scene, when he has to go all emo.

Sam dying in Dean’s arms will probably be the most challenging scene Jensen has done so far.

When Jared gets into the car that chilly morning in March, he silently hands his best friend a mug of scalding hot coffee, prepared just the way Jensen likes it. Apart from the friendly "Morning" Jared is quiet, not bouncy like on any normal day. Most of all, he doesn’t crowd Jensen, like he usually does, without even noticing it. Jared simply stays on his side of the car, giving his friend the space and peace he needs, preparing for the emotional scene himself.

~

"Cut and Print," Robert Singer calls. "Well done, everyone. Let’s have a break. Back in 30."

Jared is still limp in Jensen’s embrace. They needed more takes than Jared wished for and now he can hear his friend’s heavy breathing against his ear and feels Jensen’s chest shaking with the tears that are still stinging in the older man’s eyes.

He shifts a little, squeezing Jensen for a moment before he gently loosens his grip around his friend and gets up from his uncomfortable position in the mud. Jensen doesn’t move, though. He’s still kneeling on the wet ground, looking lost and broken. As expected, the scene drained the older man, but even Jared is shocked by how exhausted Jensen looks.

"Come on, Jen." Jared reaches out and offers his hand to tug his friend up.

J ensen takes it but lets go the moment he stands and without even so much as glancing at Jared, he leaves, seeking solitude in whatever quiet place he can find.

The younger man sighs. Some things will never change.



At first, Jared doesn’t follow his co-star. Although every pore of his body is drawn to Jensen like iron to a magnet, eager to comfort him, Jared respects him and his wish for privacy. Instead, he goes over to the craft tent, fetching himself a blueberry muffin, hoping that food and sugar, like always, will distract him.

It doesn’t work.

With every passing minute, Jared is getting more anxious.

"Mother hen," he scolds himself, but he can’t help it, not when it’s Jensen who is hurting. Even though his friend is the older one and so strong, Jared somehow feels responsible for him. That’s just the way it works between them. Jared is looking out for Jensen and Jensen is looking out for him. It’s been like that from the beginning.

So, after a while, Jared goes looking for Jensen.

He tries the least possible place - Jensen’s trailer - first and surprisingly finds him there, sitting on the uncomfortable, ice-cold and wet stairs, staring pensively into the murky puddles the rain has left on the ground.

It only drizzles, but Jensen has probably been sitting there for the past 20 minutes. He looks miserable in his soaked clothes and puffy face, with his smudged make-up and red-rimmed eyes.

Wordlessly, Jared sits down next to his friend. Being so close to him, he notices the almost imperceptible tremors that are running through Jensen’s body, how tense he is. Not caring about his own health, sure that Jensen needs it badly, Jared takes off his hoodie, covering his friend’s body as good as he can.

It doesn’t help much, but at least it lures a little reaction out of his friend when a hint of a smile twitches over Jensen’s stony face.

"You were amazing," Jared compliments Jensen after a few more minutes of silence. "It felt so real."

At first, Jensen doesn’t answer, still too lost in wherever place he has hidden, absentmindedly playing with the zipper of Jared’s hoodie.

"For me, it was," Jensen admits eventually. "It felt like  _you_ were dying, not Sam." It’s only whispered, like Jensen is ashamed for his thoughts, for losing the sense between show and reality and his composure so easily.

Jared wants to say something soothing but before he can even think about the best words, Jensen adds, "Made me face my biggest fear, Jay. Loosing a loved one." He swallows hard." And I just can’t. The thought alone..."

"Enough, Jen," Jared cuts in gently because he can’t bear it any longer, Jensen torturing, hurting himself with thoughts like that. "Don’t go down that road, man. Your family and friends are fine. I am fine. Here." He takes Jensen’s hand and places it over his heart, so that his friend can feel the steady rhythm of its beat. His hand is so cold that it seeps through Jared’s button-down and makes the younger man shiver. Whether it’s because of the cold or the intimacy of the moment though, Jared can’t tell.

It’s like Jensen hasn’t even heard or understood his friend. "When I was a kid, I was constantly  worried that something might happen to friends and family. I don’t even know why, because no one close died before I was a teenager, but whenever my parents or siblings went away and left me in someone else’s care, I was scared. Scared that they might not come back but abandon me, one way or another"

"You were a kid, Jen. I think every kid is going through that phase. And even now it’s still normal. We are all scared of something. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. Quite the contrary, Jen. It’s one of your good qualities. It shows that you care and love."

It’s the last word that makes Jensen turn his head, seeking eye contact with his friend. And then Jared sees it. In the months that follow, he won’t be sure if that’s really the first time Jensen looks at him like this, but it is definitely the first time the younger actor notices.

Jen sen’s eyes were always expressive, changing their color according to his mood and he has always looked at Jared with warmth and adoration. But that moment, when their eyes meet, when, for a second, Jared is lost in that brilliant green and his own encouraging smile is mirrored by Jensen’s, he sees it. Love. Not the love best friends feel for each other, but something deeper, stronger. It’s the same look, the same smile that Jensen directed towards Martin every time they talked or kissed.

The realization hits Jared like a punch, hard and painful. Even though love is the most beautiful of all things, only pain can grow out of it in their circumstances. Overwhelmed with half a dozen emotions, with an unexpected feeling of warmth in his belly and the fear of hurting Jensen hovering above him, confronted with something that flatters Jared but also kind of freaks him out, the insecurity of what he should do and how he should react numbs Jared.

Suddenly, the earthworm on the ground by his feet is the most fascinating creature ever and Jared is scared that his voice might betray him, giving his feelings and insecurity away. The silence between them is growing uncommonly awkward and only when Jared hears some PA yelling his name, he is reminded where they are and that, no matter what he decides to do, the set certainly isn’t the right place for it.

"Shit!" Jared calls over-enthusiastically. "Time’s up. Look at you, you’re a mess, Jen," he says after  risking a quick glance at his friend, strangely relieved to see the same insecurity in his friend’s features than Jared feels about that new development in their friendship. "You should take a shower and warm yourself up and have your make up  redone and I will try to reason with Robert. Maybe we can first shoot one of my scenes with Jake instead."

Nodding in acknowledgment, Jensen gets up. His hand squeezes Jared’s shoulder and then he is gone, before Jared can even say anything else. 

~~~

Just ignore it? Or confront Jensen?

That’s the question Jared has been pondering for the last couple of days, considering it from all angles, weighing the pros and cons. In the past, he has often turned to Sandy when the puzzle Jensen Ackles became too hard to put together, but now, as Jared has finally found the missing piece, he can’t confide in anybody, least of all in his girlfriend. Jensen’s feelings for him are just too private and cherished to share them with anyone.

Because Jared can’t decide on one way or the other, in the end, he goes for the middle: wait and see. He tries to observe Jensen as inconspicuously as possible. Maybe his friend’s feelings for him will go away.

But it doesn’t look like it. What Jensen feels for his friend is more than a simple crush; he has it bad for Jared. Now that he knows, Jared wonders how he could ever have been so blind. Jensen’s feelings for him are open as a book, so obvious in all the little things he does for him.

It makes Jared immensely happy, because seeing Jensen, that wonderful man, concentrating all his adoration and love on him is... something unique. But it also makes Jared incredibly sad, because he can’t return it, not the way Jensen hopes for anyways. Whenever Jared gives Jensen a little love back, with a smile, a pat on his back or a hug, the shimmer of hope in his best friend´s eyes tightens Jared’s chest and makes him feel tremendously guilty.

In the end, it’s that warm glow of hope Jared can’t bear to see any longer that forces him to make his decision. Scared that he will break Jensen’s heart he curses all known Gods that he has to do it, but Jared just can’t give Jensen hope for something he will never be able to give.

~

It’s the last day before both men are going their separate ways for hiatus when Jared decides to talk about it.

After they wrapped the season, they went out to a bar with most of the crew, but without even talking about it beforehand, both actors decided to leave after the second beer. They won’t see each other for a while, no matter what the future holds for the show and it’s consensual that both want to spend the last hours together.

The cab takes them to Jared’s place and they make themselves comfortable on his couch with popcorn, beer and some movies. They’re talking shit between the dialogues, until in the end, they are more engrossed in their chat than the movie. It’s easy and comfortable.

Jared hates to ruin it, is very well aware of the fact that it might be the last time ever he spends time with Jensen like this, if his friend takes it badly. But Jared just has to. He has to break his best friend’s heart to help him get better in the end.

Towards  the end of the movie, when both men devote their attention to the screen again, not having spoken for a while, Jared risks it.  "How long?"

"What?" Jensen sounds utterly confused.

"Have you been in love with me, Jen?" It sounds cocky, assuming something as heavy as this, but Jared has never been so sure about anything, having observed his friend closely for days.

The impact Jared’s words make is massive. Jensen tenses at once, all color is drained from his face and there is real panic in his eyes. He looks like a deer caught in the headlights and Jared hates himself for putting this look onto his best friend’s face.

"What are you talking about?" Jensen tries hard to keep his voice neutral and steady, but fails miserably, the tone that was meant insulting, even pissed, shaking with insecurity.

Jared is calm and understanding. "You know what I’m talking about, Jen. It’s obvious. In everything you do and say when you’re with me."

"You’re crazy!" he shouts, waving his hands in a repellent gesture. "There’s nothing! I’m not in" Jensen can’t even say the word as he denies his feelings vehemently.

"Hey. It’s okay, Jen," Jared soothes gently, now he sees that Jensen is on the verge of some kind of panic attack. "I just think we need to talk about it. For your sake. And the sake of our friendship."

"There’s nothing!" Jensen claims once more but when it comes to things like this, he is a terrible liar and his expression betrays him.

"Being in love with your co-star and best friend isn’t nothing, Jensen. It’s huge. For both of us. So, just tell me. How long?"

Jared can see how torn his friend is; struggling between staying and standing his man or running away from everything. Jensen isn’t stupid, though. He understands that there are things you just can’t run away from, and the truth is one of them. No matter how far he’d run or where he’d hide, sooner or later, it would come back to him.

"Since the beginning." It’s only whispered, into some shadowy corner of Jared’s living-room, barely loud enough for Jared to hear and Jensen doesn’t dare to look at Jared, scared of seeing his reaction.  "Are you mad at me, Jared?" Jensen finally  risks a quick look at his friend. It’s clear that he is even more afraid of being rejected than of admitting his feelings for his best friend.

The question breaks Jared’s heart just a little bit more. He reaches out, but Jensen shies away from the touch, holding himself at bay, and Jared slides back a little as well, giving his friend the space he needs so desperately.

"Of course not, Jen. I’d never be mad at you."

"Then why bring it up?" It’s a fair question, one Jared has wondered about himself long enough.

"Because... I think that you should know that I know. That I am okay with it."

"Okay with it," the older man murmurs distractedly and that’s when it sinks into Jensen. "You don’t love me back." There’s only a tiny shimmer of hope hidden and Jared despises himself that he has to take it away from his friend.

"No, not that way, Jen." Jared’s voice is full of sympathy and it surprises Jared himself when he realizes that he really regrets it. "You’re such a talented actor, Jensen, such an amazing co-star. And without doubt the best friend I’ve ever had. But I can’t give you what you wish for, Jen." He isn’t ashamed when a tear escapes his moist eyes and Jared doesn’t bother to wipe it away. He doesn’t take it easily and a part of him wishes so bad that he could give Jensen everything he wants. But he can’t. He’s straight - well, mostly, experiences in High School certainly don’t count - and even if he wasn’t, there’s still Sandy.

"I thought..." Jensen starts but then he buries his head in his hands, hiding his face that’s flushed with embarrassment.

Jared feels dirtier than ever before. "I’m sorry, Jen, if I did something that gave you a wrong impression. I never wanted to give you anything but support and friendship. I’m sorry if you thought there was more. Believe me, Jensen. I never wanted to hurt you."

"I know." Jensen doesn’t admit that Jared did nevertheless and he doesn’t have to, because as much as Jensen knows that his friend had the best intentions with everything he did, Jared knows that he broke his friend’s heart.

Jensen looks up from his hiding place behind his hands and Jared can see the tears that are running down his face. He’s reminded of another night some months ago, when Martin broke Jensen and Jared realizes, no matter how good his intentions were, today, he was not better than that son of a bitch.

"I should go. I need..."

"I understand."

The older man is almost out of the door when Jared asks, "Jen? Are we still friends?"

There is a hint of a smile visible on Jensen’s tear-stained face. "Yeah. I think so. I just need time."

Before Jared can say anything else, Jensen is gone and while the older man hurries down the dark staircase, fresh tears stinging in his eyes, Jared cries too, wondering if that’s the last time he saw his friend and if these doubtful words are the last Jensen spoke to him.

Hours later, when Jared is still lying awake, tossing and turning in his bed, staring into the dark room or watching the minutes tick away on his alarm clock, his cell vibrates.

The message he reads is simple.

_You´ll always be a part of my life._

That’s more Jared could have asked for. Hope returns to his heart and eventually, he falls asleep.

**5**

Hiatus brings the longest silence between them yet. There aren’t any calls or texts, and the one email Jared gets after three weeks is impersonal and distant.

At first, Jared doesn’t even bother to answer it, prepares for his role in  _Christmas Cottage_ instead and enjoys the time with his family and girlfriend, cherishing every moment of being with Sandy.

It doesn’t really work, though, because Jensen is always at the back of Jared’s mind. He just can’t not think about him, wondering how he is doing, how he is coping, and after a couple of days, he answers his mail. It’s lacking Jared’s usual warmth but it’s a start and he promises Jensen to see him in his drama. That’s the least Jared can do and something Jared really wants to do anyways, showing Jensen his support, giving his friend some sort of safety that, at least on Jared’s side, they are good, even though it is a little awkward between them at the moment.

Truth is, Jared misses Jensen. He’s clever enough to realize that they need this break, that especially Jensen needs it to cope with what has been going on between them - or rather, the lack of it - but it still hurts not having Jensen around, in one way or another.

~~

With Sandy next to him, Jared is sitting in the semi-dark theater, watching Jensen perform.

It simply blows Jared away. He’s always been aware of the fact that his friend is not only the more popular, but most of all, the more talented actor of the two of them and seeing Jensen live on stage is the last proof Jared needed.

He isn’t jealous, far from it. Jared is proud. For having someone like Jensen to learn from and look up to when it comes to acting - and other things - and for playing alongside him. And he wants Jensen to know. No matter what has happened, no matter what will be, come the third season, that’s something he’s got to tell his buddy.

The closer the end of the drama gets, the more awkward Jared feels about facing Jensen again though. He shouldn’t, because he knows the man better than anyone else and they’ve always been close, but their last encounter is still clear in Jared’s mind. The memory of it makes Jared uncommonly uncomfortable and unsure about how he should behave towards his friend.

But then, once the play is over, after Jared jumped up, clapped and whistled like a maniac and followed Jensen’s family backstage, there isn’t any time to question that any longer. Suddenly, Jensen is right there, face red from heat, exercise and joy and it’s him who is stepping right into Jared’s space, pulling his friend into a tight hug.

"You were amazing, Jen," Jared murmurs right into his co-star’s ear, pressing the tiniest and softest kiss to his temple.

He gets a tight squeeze in return and one of Jensen’s most beautiful, genuine smiles. "Thanks for coming."

Jensen doesn’t embarrass himself in front of his family and tells Jared how much it means to him, but there is no need to, anyways. It’s clear that he appreciates it and that he wanted Jared to be there, just as much as Jared wanted to see him.

It might take a while until they are good again, but it’s a start.

~~~

The first months into the new season show that it was really just a start, a tiny step towards each other. Both learn soon that it is difficult to go back to where they used to be when Jensen’s unrequited love hangs between them.

It’s not that the actors don’t want to hang out any longer, far from it. Jared still loves to spend time with Jensen, loves to talk to him, loves to learn their lines together, simply loves to be with him. He still even looks for Jensen’s company, asks him to join him and the crew once a week at their favorite bar and invites him to his new home.

But when it comes to his behavior towards Jensen, Jared finds himself thinking it through - something he has never done before, with anyone. In the past, Jared used to crowd his friend all the time, used to give out hugs freely, pinched Jensen in the arm or clapped his butt. Now though, Jared ponders what this might do to his friend, wonders if it triggers something inside Jensen’s troubled self. He doesn’t want to give Jensen a wrong idea and therefore refrains from being so touchy-feely with him.

That’s of course something that doesn’t go unnoticed by Jensen. The actor knows how his younger friend used to be, still is with everyone else and sometimes it’s too obvious not to notice, anyways. Sometimes Jared is already right in Jensen’s personal space, ready to give one of his famous bone-crushing hugs, just to jerk back at the last moment. It hurts Jensen, makes him feel abandoned, even stained and dirty, not being worth to be touched liked this anymore.

The more time passes, the tenser the situation between the two friends gets. It’s a damn vicious circle, with both men wanting to do the right thing, over-thinking the situation, making it worse instead of better. It’s a situation not only Jared and Jensen suffer from but the whole crew and other guest stars. It’s obvious that something is wrong between the once so close co-stars, but no one except them knows and no one could help them if they knew anyways. It’s something they have to get through together - or not at all.

~~

It’s the most stupid situation that breaks the camel’s back.

They’ve had a productive and successful day, managing more shoots than scheduled and Jared is in such a good mood that he invited the crew for a drink, first round on him. Jensen already left while Jared was making plans and Jared hasn’t had the chance to invite his buddy yet.

Once Jared finally gets to his trailer, Jensen’s lies in the dar k and Jared assumes that he went home already. For a moment he ponders to send Jensen a text only to dismiss the idea at once. It’s been awkward between them recently and there’s already enough gossip on set Jared doesn’t want to pique with another open display of abashment. Most of all though, Jensen has looked tired and beaten recently. It’s probably better to let him get some well-deserved rest.

What Jared doesn’t know though is that Jensen didn’t go home. Kim wanted to have a word with him, wanted to find out what’s going on between his two leading men and why both are so easily distracted, so jumpy and careful with treating the other.

The talk with Kim having been uncomfortable, Jensen hurries towards his car - recently both preferred driving on their own - when Nick, one of the cameramen, spots him. "Hey! Jensen! You coming, too?"

Jensen really isn’t in the mood of small talk but it would be damn impolite to ignore Nick. He stops, looking over his shoulder to where Nick is standing near a street lantern, asking, because he really doesn’t know what the guy is talking about, "Huh? Where to?"

" _Mike’s_ . Rounds are on Jared. But surely you know that. Wanted to celebrate the successful day."

It stabs like a knife, the realization that Jared didn’t want him to join them. "Nah." Jensen would never admit that Jared didn’t invite him, didn’t want him to be a part of the group. "Tired as hell. Need to sleep."

He barely sees Nick’s shrug and before Jensen can even wish him fun, Nick is gone, waving one last time as he’s heading towards his car.

Even though the thought of leaving, hell, running away, seems so tempting, Jensen just can’t. His legs suddenly all wobbly, his knees give in and he slides down onto the dusty ground, burying his head in his hands. He’s grateful that it’s dark, that most of the crew have left and that he is hidden in the shadows so that no one witnesses his certainly undue breakdown, thinking even worse of him.

"Jen?"

Jared startles him and Jensen takes in a sharp breath, letting it out slowly, breath warm against his meanwhile cold hands. He doesn’t even bother to look up. "Go away."

"Hey, what’s wrong?" Jared sounds concerned but Jensen doesn’t believe it. Why should he? Jared hates him.

"I told you to go away!" Jen sen yells angrily, waving his hand as if he wanted to get rid of an annoying fly.

"Jen."

It’s the gentle nickname that breaks Jensen. "Don’t you dare Jen me!" he spits out. "Just go away!!"

"What?" The word is spoken with all the confusion Jared feels, not sure where his friend’s anger is coming from.

"Fuck you!" Now Jensen is on his feet again, staggering a little as he moves one step towards Jared. "Don’t pretend to know nothing! It’s you who’s avoiding me! You who doesn’t dare to touch me any longer because you can’t stand to touch a fag like me."

Jared gasps hearing Jensen talk about himself like this, so full of hate, but he can’t get a word in edgewise.

"It’s you Jared, my so-called best friend," he spits the words out, "who despises me for being in love with you so much that you can’t even tolerate inviting me out with our workmates any longer."

"Jensen!"

"Shut the fuck up, Jared!!" Jensen shakes with anger and frustration.

"Listen to me," Jared pleads.

But Jensen doesn’t. He’s too outraged, too hurting, just too far gone to think reasonably and to listen.  "You destroyed everything! I wish I’d never trusted you!"

Before Jared can even say anything else, Jensen is gone, motor roaring through the night, leaving Jared in the same emotional uproar that Jensen is feeling himself.

What should he do now?

~

Like a caved tiger, Jared paces his living-room, back and forth. He has walked more than a mile like this already but he doesn’t know that, too occupied with what has happened between himself and Jensen, just too concerned about his friend.

"Shit!" he calls out in frustration and Sadie, who’s lying on one of the armchairs and follows her master with her big, intelligent eyes, lifts her head at the outburst and whines.

Shit is the only thing Jared has been saying since he returned from set - apart from the words of apologies and pleading he has left on several mailbox messages for his friend. In vain, as it seems; until now, Jensen hasn’t called back.

It’s been hours, and the absence of any sign of life from Jensen freaks Jared out. It’s not that his friend is suicidal, but you never know how sensitive people like Jensen react when their world comes crashing down.

Twice, Jared has driven to Jensen’s apartment already, just to find it lying in darkness and his car gone, which means that Jensen is gone, God knows where to. It drives Jared crazy, the concern for his buddy and after a couple of more yards through his living-room, Jared grabs his keys and wallet and heads for his SUV again.

It only takes him a couple of minutes until he arrives at Jensen’s place, but nothing has changed; his friend obviously isn’t at home yet. So, where could he be?

First, Jared tries all the bars they’ve ever gone to as well as several gay clubs - without any success. He is already on his way back to Jensen’s for a last glance up to the window, when Jared  suddenly remembers something. Months ago, Jensen mentioned a scenic view point a couple of miles outside the city he really loves to go. Jared remembers it so well because his friend has brought Martin there when he first visited him and after they broke up, Jensen once asked Jared to come with. It really is a beautiful place on earth, so maybe Jensen fled there for solitude and comfort.

Over one hour later, Jared shifts the gear into park. The parking-lot near the view point is deserted but for one dark RV from Montana and a very familiar car. Relief washes over Jared in a strong wave; just having found Jensen makes the younger man feel quieter and better.

The night isn’t completely dark. The diminishing moon is bright enough to shine on the graveled  path and lets Jared recognize the tall dark figure, sitting on one of the benches, staring into the distance.

Jared takes a few deep breaths, then he approaches the thoughtful man.

"Hey Jensen," Jared says softly before he sits down on the bench next to the one Jensen’s sitting on, taking in the beautiful view in the moonlight.

Jared can’t tell if Jensen ignores him on purpose, or if he wants to give Jared the chance to talk, but he uses it, glad that Jensen doesn’t put up another fight yet.

"I didn’t mean for this to happen, Jensen. I never wanted to destroy our friendship or, even worse, hurt you. I know it’s hard to believe, me being the way I normally am but... Well, I was a little insecure. Didn’t know how I should treat you. Most of all, didn’t want to make it worse for you than it already was. So I thought that it might be the best not be so touchy-feely any longer. Just wasn’t sure what it would do to you. Now I know that it was wrong. I’m sorry, Jensen."

There is not even the tiniest bit of acknowledgment from the man on the bench next to him. For all Jared knows, Jensen could be deaf or sleeping. 

"Tonight, I swear, it was a misunderstanding. I wanted you to join us. But your trailer was dark when I came over and I thought you were gone. And because of how awkward the things are between us, I decided better not to call you, to give you your well deserved break. I never wanted to exclude you, Jen."

The silence that settles between the two men is heavy, as impenetrable as the darkness in the woods nearby. Jared is just sitting there quietly, aware of the fucked up situation he is in, aware of his friend next to him, so close, but at the moment, miles and miles away.

"Why didn’t you just talk to me, Jared?"

The unexpected question startles Jared. Jensen’s voice is rough and shaky, like he had cried a good deal, and probably, he has. It’s a fair question. Truth is, Jared doesn’t know. Probably, his reasons weren’t the best, but at least his friend deserves the truth.

"I can’t tell. Maybe I didn’t want to make it even more uncomfortable for you. Or me."

"That’s bullshit, Jared!" Jensen’s tone is harsh and Jared doesn’t deserve anything else. "Didn’t care so much in the first place. Still remember all your  _I´m okay with it_ , shit?!"

"I  _am_ okay with it, Jen!"

"Then  why did you withdraw from me?!" There’s so much hurt in the question that it makes Jared sick, sick of being the one who brought this pain upon Jensen.

Jared sighs. "Like I said. I thought it would make it easier for you. I just didn’t want to give you the wrong impression. Hope where there is none."

Unbelieving, Jensen shakes his head. "You didn’t. You made it so much worse."

"I realize that now, Jen. And I’m so fucking sorry."

"I thought you were mad at me. Despised me, like my dad." 

"I never was. Never would." Now Jared is close to tears again, not sure what else he can say to make his friend believe that it all was a stupid mistake. "Please believe me," he adds, trembling with the fear that Jensen won’t believe and forgive him. "I want you to be my friend. The past years with you, they were so amazing, Jen. Like a dream coming true. I never even dreamed about finding a friend like you when I auditioned for  _Supernatural_ . What we have is a gift. I really don’t want to throw it away."

Now it’s Jensen’s turn to say something, but he doesn’t. He dares the quickest of glances at Jared before he stares into the night once more.

"Maybe.. Ummm... I should go," stutters Jared when Jensen doesn’t show any other reaction for several minutes.

He’s already on his feet, heading for the path back to the parking-lot, when he hears it, quiet but definitely there. "Stay."

Now, Jensen’s looking in his direction, finally meeting his eyes for the fraction of a second.

Smiling slightly, Jared  accepts the offer. This time though, he sits down on the same bench as his friend. Jensen doesn’t seem to mind. A little smile ghosts over his face that is still turned towards his friend before he stares into the night again.

They sit in silence, more comfortable than before. After a while, Jared notices how cold it is. It’s September after all and the autumn nights are cool that far up north. "Aren’t you cold, Jen?"

The older man shrugs, like he hasn’t even noticed that he has been sitting in the cold night for several hours, nothing more than a hoodie to protect him.

"Give me five," Jar ed says before he gets up, heading back to his car. He has several blankets in it, mainly because of the dogs, but one is less dirty than the others.

Not even five minutes later, he wordlessly puts it over his friend’s shoulders.

"You must be cold, too," Jensen notices after a while and when Jared nods, because yeah, even though he might be a walking heating pad, it definitely isn’t the warmest nights ever, Jensen just lifts the blanket he has tightly wrapped around his body.

It’s so much more than taking care of Jared but a peace offer, the invitation to crowd Jensen, the signal that he even wants him to. Jared takes it gladly. A mere moment later, he is pressed against Jensen’s side and Jared’s arms sneak around the older man, pulling him towards his taller frame and the blanket around them.

Jared doesn’t say anything, just closes his eyes, takes in Jensen’s scent, so familiar, so missed, holding him snug against his body. He feels his friend bury his face against his shoulder and Jensen’s hand gently brushing over his chest until it comes to rest over Jared’s heart.

Now, as Jared knows about his friend’s feelings, this gesture has a special meaning.

They don’t talk for what seems like hours, just sit in the darkness under the stars, being together, being them.

It’s the most intimate moment of their friendship so far.

It’s the moment Jared falls in love with Jensen, without even knowing it for a long time.

~~~

Jared is damn grateful for having Jensen back in his life because the coming weeks are hell. The rumors about a possible writers’ strike become more and more a certainty and a huge question mark hangs above the future of  _Supernatural_ , depending on how long the strike is going to last.

The possibility of losing their job brings both men closer together than ever before. It’s like their bond can chase away the doom that is hanging over them like a dark storm cloud and they make more than the best out of it, giving their everything to the show.

"What if..."

"Stop it!" Jensen cuts Jared off before he can even completely express his thoughts.

"But..." the younger man tries to argue, but Jensen just doesn’t want to hear any of it.

"Leave it, Jay. There is nothing we can do."

That’s exactly what Jared hates so much, not having any influence and he sighs in frustration, throwing one of Harley’s toys into a corner of his living-room, hitting the poor leafy-plant his sister brought Jared as a gift when he moved in.

"Hey," Jensen tries to comfort. "I know it sucks. I’m as worried as you are, man. But. Emm... they won’t strike forever. Nobody can afford that. And even if they have to cancel the show. You’re a good actor, Jay. You’ll find another job."

"But you won’t be my co-star any longer." Jared knows that he sounds like a 5-year-old who wants some toy but doesn’t get it.

The older man shakes his head. "No, probably not. But Jay. We don’t need to be co-stars to be friends, you know that, right?"

Now Jared feels really stupid. Of course they don’t have to work together to remain friends. After what they’ve been going th rough, they’ll always stick together, no matter what. "Yeah. I know."

"Good. So, enough of that, princess." Jensen laughs. "Let me kick some asses." He points towards the PlayStation and smiles like the kid Jared thought he himself was.

When they go to bed some hours later and Jared says good night in front of the guest room Jensen always uses, he does something he’s never done before: he kisses Jensen on the cheek.

It feels like an unspoken promise. It feels like love.

~~

There are things you have to tell your best friend who happens to be in love with you in person and getting engaged to your girlfriend is at the top of the list. So, after Jared returns from his romantic and emotional stay in Paris, he leaves Dallas, his family and fiancee only a couple of days later and flies back to LA. He has a meeting scheduled with his agent anyways, discussing his options in case the show isn’t picked up after the strike, but the main reason Jared heads there for is to tell Jensen the news.

Not sure how Jensen will take it, he needs to tell him in person. He doesn’t want Jensen to find out  surfing the web or even worse, through Mama Ackles who will sooner or later hear it from his own mom.

Jensen promised to pick him up at the airport and thanks to his height, Jared spots his friend at once, all cool, wearing worn jeans, some faded tee and shades to hide half of his smiling face, even though the January afternoon is cloudy.

He waves and when Jensen recognizes him, there is such happiness in his smile that it makes his belly prickle with joy. Public place or not, he hasn’t seen his best friend for over a month and when he is close enough, Jared sweeps Jensen into his arms and a not very manly hug. If that makes him the biggest girl ever or a photo of it appears on e-online later, he so doesn’t care.

Now as Jensen is right by his side, Jared realizes just how much he has missed him in the past weeks, no matter how often they’ve called or texted. A feeling of warmth and something else runs through Jared’s body and when he looks into those brilliant jade eyes, Jared feels more at home than he has when his parents picked him and Sandy up from the airport.

~

There is no way to break the news to Jensen gently so Jared tells him outright. They’re in their favorite Chinese restaurant, in one of the more remote booths, celebrating their reunion, and it’s a private enough surrounding to spill the news.

"There’s something I got to tell you, Jen." His friend looks up from his fried duck, a mixture of curiosity and worry on his face. "In Paris, I proposed to Sandy. She said yes."

For a fraction of a second, Jared sees pain in those beautiful eyes, but then, Jensen smiles, genuinely. "Man! Wow. You’re going to get married!" Jensen calls out, and Jared just hopes that no one in the booths next to them cares. "Congratulations!" He grabs Jared’s hand, squeezing it hard and Jared returns the gesture and doesn’t argue when Jensen orders some champagne to celebrate.

If Jensen drinks a little more than usual and his eyes are sort of melancholic whenever he looks at Jared, the younger man doesn’t mention it.

He drives Jensen to his small condo, hugs him good night and tries not too hard to have a bad conscience about the whole thing.

"I’m happy for you, Jay," Jensen says when Jared is almost out of the door. Jensen’s eyes are glassy a nd he is more than tipsy, which makes him say things he probably wouldn’t say if he was sober. "You know I love you," he slurs, "but I want you to be happy. Sandy’s a good girl. I’m glad that she can give you what I can’t."

"I know you do," Jared says as calmly as possible, but his heart is breaking with Jensen’s revelation. "Go to sleep, Jen."

Jared will never know that Jensen doesn’t sleep a bit that night. He is sobbing into his pillow like a little girl, realizing that a dream that was never to come true in the first place bursts like a bubble, fades away and dies.

~~~

The relief of returning to Vancouver, of getting some more episodes of the show both men love so much, is overwhelming. Jared and Jensen celebrate the first night, drink themselves stupid and paint the town red. In a way, Jared has never felt more alive, better and younger, like nothing could stop him and Jensen, the dr eam team that they are.

It’s in those first few weeks Jared notices two things.

First and foremost, things with Sandy are getting a little tough.

Their schedule is tighter than ever before because they want to shoot as many episodes as possible to give the season a well-deserved finale and while it never has been a problem before that they barely see each other, Sandy suddenly cares. It seems that being Jared’s fiancee makes Sandy believe that she now has an exclusive right on him. She calls more and more often and demands that Jared spends his rare free weekends with her. Jared, on the contrary, is getting more impatient with every additional senseless call about the wedding and the regular quarrels about him flying down to LA or not.

The more often Jared is bugged by his girlfriend, he realizes that it’s actually Jensen who makes it better. It’s Jensen he turns to to complain about Sandy and it’s his best friend who cheers him up, not only with some funny comment or a pat on his shoulder, but with all the other little things only Jensen does for him. Like buying Jared his favorite candy, taking him out to the cinema or surprising him with an afternoon at the spa. It’s Jensen he spends more and more time with and in the end, Jared starts telling Sandy white lies to stay in Vancouver over the weekend instead of flying home.

Eventually Jared notices that it’s Jensen he wants to be with. It’s Jensen he shares his thoughts, simply his entire life with, not his girlfriend, and it has been like that for a while.

This development should freak Jared out, but it doesn’t. Not the thought of their unusual, tight bond and not even the thought of what might happen when he discovers how far his feelings for Jensen are meanwhile going, how strong their relationship has developed, on both sides. Jared just takes it as it is, enjoys his life and happiness.

He starts seeing Jensen from a new, different angle. Not only as the best friend Jensen has been for years, but as something else, as a partner. After a while, Jared has to admit that they’ve probably crossed that invisible line a while ago. Kim sometimes deadpans that they are like an old, married couple, and there is so much truth in it. Sure, they don’t have sex, but it’s not that old married couples always have and if Jared is completely honest, not even this freaks him out. He experimented in High School, saw and touched more than his own dick back then and although it was just a phase, it wasn’t that Jared hated it, quite the contrary. The blow jobs he received back then had topped the blow jobs from some of his girlfriends by far. And Jensen is a masterpiece of a male, perfect and gorgeous from head to toe and certainly much more attractive than Walt and James. Jared wouldn’t mind having his friend like that, far from it.

~

At first though, Jared doesn’t do anything to show that his feelings towards Jensen took a very special and unexpected turn.

He is 99% sure that Jensen is still in love with him, because the love in his gaze and the adoration in his words didn’t go away, but Jared is still with Sandy and that means something to him. Once he was head over heels in love with her and he loved her enough to propose, didn’t he?

Okay, if Jared is honest with himself, that was kind of a panic reaction. The romantic scenery in Paris, the countless jewelers they passed, each displaying wedding bands, and Sandy stopping at every bridal shop, watching the shop window intensely, awwws and ohhhs escaping her tiny mouth. Not to forget, the whole screwed up situation with the writers strike and the insecurity of Jared’s future, job-wise. He just had to buy that ring and fall on his knees, hadn’t he?

Thinking about it now, sitting in a full plane back to LA, Jensen sleeping next to him, his head on Jared’s shoulder and his spiked hair tickling his neck, Jared has to acknowledge that it was all just an illusion. There is not much romance left between him and Sandy and the love he feels for her is that for a close friend, but not that for a girlfriend any longer.

But he first has to break up with her before he jumps head over heels into a relationship with his very male co-star. He doesn’t want to risk their friendship and least of all wants Jensen to think that he is a replacement for Sandy, chosen for the fun of it. There is so much to their relationship and Jared really doesn’t want to fuck up.

So, when the plane finally touches down at LAX, when the co-stars collect their luggage and look around for their respective "cabs", Jared spotting Sandy and Steve standing next to each other, chatting, Jared just pulls his friend into a tight embrace.

Now, as Jared is having these thoughts, it feels different hugging Jensen, feeling all the muscles and Jensen’s crotch pressed against his thigh. It’s thrilling and Jared wants more, wants to have all of that beautiful body under him. Naked, writhing in lust, begging for Jared’s raw tongue trailing down each 6.0" of gorgeous inch, tasting every freckle and Jensen’s pre-come that is deliciously leaking from his cock.

He shudders and the fantasy is gone as soon as it has arisen.

Suddenly Sandy’s there, jumping him from behind and with a last wave and a "Have a good summer, Jay", Jensen is gone.

Jared misses Jensen the moment he leaves the airport and his girlfriend is only an undesirable weight against his body.

~

Three days later, on the day before Jared leaves to film  _Friday 13th_ , he calls off his engagement with Sandy. It’s one of the hardest things Jared has ever done, but the distance between the once so happy couple just confirms Jared’s thoughts and when he sits down and talks to her, he learns that his feelings - or the lack of them - are mutual. Sandy noticed that Jared withdrew from her in the past months and it’s enough for her to question their relationship and understand that what was love then is only friendship now. It’s a pretty emotional night, for both of them, but when Jared drives back to his apartment, the relief overpowers the sadness.

He doesn’t think it’s important enough to call Jensen, but he sends him a text because if he won’t and his friend finds out, Jensen will be royally pissed.

Unsurprisingly, Jensen calls not even two minutes later.

Jared isn’t sure what to expect from his best friend but certainly not sincere concern and sympathy.

It touches Jared. Other people who are hopelessly in love with someone would probably brush the news away with a couple of platitudes, would maybe even feel glee, building a new hope with it.

But Jensen proves that he cares for his friend, has only Jared’s well-being and happiness in mind and not his own. He talks to Jared for over one hour and even offers to come and see him if his shooting schedule allows it. And if the news rekindled the flame of hope in Jensen’s heart, he doesn’t show it.

Jensen simply loves Jared and Jared just hopes he is worth receiving this love and can give it back the way his friend deserves.

**Part II**

**Love and Pain**

**6**

It’s more or less coincidence that Jared finds out about Jensen looking for a new apartment, right in the middle of filming the first episode of Season 4.

Jared is sitting on the steps of his trailer, throwing balls to entertain Harley and Sadie, when Jensen joins him, holding a folded newspaper in his hand.

"Newspaper? Really?" It’s not that Jensen is uneducated or disinterested in the occurrences of the world, far from it, but he normally keeps up with news via TV or the internet.

"Looking for an apartment," Jensen gives away curtly, not even looking up from the countless ads in the paper.

"Why? Yours is just fine."

Jensen laughs dryly. "Sure. But my apartment has been sold. So I need a new one if I don’t want to join the homeless somewhere under a bridge."

"What?!?!" Jared calls out so loudly and appalled that his dogs start barking. "Why didn’t you tell me?" It even sounds slightly accusing.

The older man shrugs. "Not that important. And it’s not like you can conjure up a nice place for me."

"Course it is. Last time I looked, we were best friends, Jen. You tell your best friend such things. And I could help with em, reading." He points towards the paper. "Look at the apartments with you."

Jensen’s face turns a little red and it’s not thanks to the summer sun that is shining onto their faces. "Yeah, you could. I think I just didn’t want to bother you, Jay."

"You can bother me with everything, doofus," Jared offers and bumps his shoulder into Jensen. "That’s what I’m here for. I want to be bothered."

Grinning mischievously, Jared grabs his own part of the newspaper, skimming the page. "Hey, what about this one?"

~~

Jared learns soon what Jensen has known already. It isn’t that easy to find a place when you only have two weeks left, a hell of a busy schedule and certain ideas. Some of the places they visit are just unacceptable and the few that would be okay are too expensive or simply too far away from set or where Jared lives.

"Fuck!" Jensen swears when they leave the third place in a row. "It sounded so good on paper and was..."

"A dump?" Jared offers.

"More than that." The older man shudders. "It reeked of cabbage. And I really don’t want to know where the stains on the wall came from."

Jared laughs and claps his friend on the shoulder. "Let’s see the next one."

"The last one, you mean." Jensen sighs, looking sort of desperate.

~

"Hey, I’ve been thinking," Jared starts while Jensen is cruising through the Vancouver traffic.

"Inform the media," Jensen jokes dryly.

"Haha. No, really. You know, I’m living in this big place. Alone. With two dogs. And although I’m a big boy," Jared grins, "I’m scared at night. And sooo lonely," Jared says mockingly. "I could need a strong guy by my side."

"Could you?"

"Yeah."

"Well, I’m sure Clif has a couple of bodyguard buddies who would love to help you out."

"Jerk." Jared laughs. "Move in with me, Jen. Don’t waste our precious free time with looking at another damn apartment when there is a guest room waiting for you, one that you’ve been living in half the last season anyways."

Jensen stares and almost misses stopping at the red traffic light, breaking hard in the last second.

"Shit, Jen!" Jared calls out loudly.

"You mean that?"

"Yeah, you really should drive more carefully!"

"Not that, jerk. The offer!"

"Oh yeah. Sure. It’s only... logical. Why should you pay a lot of money for some apartment you won’t see most of the time because we hang out together almost 24/7 - at my place. You living with me, it wouldn’t make that much of a difference. The dogs would love it."

"I would love it," Jared adds after a while into the silence filled with sounds from the street in the background.

Jensen sighs. The offer is great and most of all, makes sense and a part of him wants to ask when he can move in. But the biggest part of Jensen is hesitant. "I don’t want to intrude, Jay. And I need my space. What if you umm, meet someone."

"You can have a second room, if you need it, that won’t be a problem. And there is nothing you could intrude on, you know that as well as I do. It’s only me and the dogs, no one else."

"You won’t stay single forever, Jay."

"I hope not!" Jared calls out. "But I hope my partner is as welcome in our place as yours will be, Jen." Of course Jared doesn’t give away that he hopes that one day soon, that partner will be Jensen and they will never have that problem.

"You really sure?" Jared can almost watch Jensen change his mind.

"Yeah. And it’s not that you have to live with me for the rest of our lives, Jen." Jared laughs. "This isn’t set in stone. You can stay as long as you want, will always be welcome to live at my place, but if you want to move out, you always can. So, just think about it."

"I will. Thank you, Jay. I really really appreciate this."

Jared smiles. "That’s okay. You know, we could both profit."

Both men are quiet for a while, lost in their own thoughts.

Jared can tell that Jensen is already thinking his offer through, weighing the pros and cons, like Jared had when the idea crossed his mind a couple of days ago. He knows Jensen, knows that his friend needs his space, that he has days he wants, needs to be alone, but Jared respects him enough to give him that. In the past, he has proven that he is so much more than the goofy actor most people see, that Jensen can trust him, that he mostly knows when to give him a hug or leave him alone.

It will work, Jared is sure of that.

They’ve almost arri ved at the last place they want to look at, once more stopping at a red light, when Jensen breaks the comfortable silence. "Two conditions. Your mutts are staying out of my room, because I really don’t like doggy goo on my linens." Jensen laughs. "And you won’t cook. Like, never."

Jared grins, feeling his heart beat faster and like a little kid that can’t await Christmas. "I could live with that."

"Great." There’s a fond look in Jensen’s eyes. "When can I move in?"

"What about now?"

"Now sounds good."

~

It’s done within an hour.

Most of Jensen’s belongings are already packed and there’s not much furniture to disassemble because most came with the apartment anyways and it’s not that they are in a hurry. They only take the already packed boxes and plan to return the next day for the few remaining things like Jensen’s household stuff, TV or stereo.

Putting Jensen’s stuff away is a bigger effort because there simply is nothing in the rooms to put it into, the bedroom only consisting of the small bed Jensen has slept in before and the second room being completely empty.

So, after they’ve emptied their cars, they find themselves on their way to IKEA, ordering a variety of furniture to be delivered to Jared’s home as soon as possible, except the bed and mattress Jensen insists to take with him at once.

"I don’t get why you need it right now," Jared complains as he tries to fasten the huge mattress onto the roof of Jensen’s car. "There’s a fine bed in there already."

"I told you." Jensen sighs, like he’d explain something to a kid for the fifth time and slowly is losing his patience. "The bed is what makes the big difference between home and being a guest somewhere. I need to sleep in my new bed, with my own linen, otherwise it won’t feel like being at home. And by the way," he chuckles, "I wouldn’t call the bed in there fine. It’s tiny!"

Jared laughs. He still doesn’t get it but it’s probably just one of Jensen’s many yet undiscovered peculiarities and he bets more will surface in the coming weeks and months. The prospect of finding out about them though makes Jared smirk. It’s going to be an interesting time.

~

"Done," Jared announces and steps back to look at their work.

The bed’s assembled, covered with fresh sheets and the new nightstand with its lamp is standing next to it. The carpet on the hardwood floor, the bright curtains and the scenic picture Jensen put up already make the room homier than ever before and the slightly chemical scent of new furniture can’t even be chased away by the fresh night air that wafts in through the opened windows.

"Looks nice."

Jensen doesn’t answer but suddenly he is there, throwing his arms around Jared.

"Thank you, Jay." His breath tickles Jared’s cheek and a shiver runs through him as he returns the hug, not letting go. Jared knows the simple thank you is not only for helping Jensen with the move, but most of all, for offering his house in the first place.

"Nothing to thank me for, Jen. I’m glad I could help. Glad you are here. We’ll have a great time."

The older man beams. "Yeah, we will."

"Let’s have a beer, roomie." Jared laughs, finally releasing his friend from his tight hold.

He grabs Jensen’s hand and tugs him into his kitchen. Only reluctantly Jared lets go and when he does, his hand is colder than before, already missing the warmth of Jensen’s strong grip.

It’s still too early but they’re both only one tiny step away from heaven.

~~~

Both men settle into being roommates surprisingly well.

Okay, Jared hasn’t expected anything else concerning himself. Although he can sometimes be too much of a strain for people, because he is loud, goofy and doesn’t respect personal boundaries in the least, overall he is a lovely person and easy to get on with. In the few times he shared his place with anyone, he always got on with them, so that definitely speaks for him and his ability to adjust.

However, Jared has to admit it astounds him how well Jensen fits in. When Jared made his offer, he honestly was a little worried how his best friend, who can be sort of peculiar on his best days and a grumpy lone wolf on his worst, would fit. But living with Jensen is easy, not different from spending time with him before. If anything, it’s even better because now Jared has been given the rare gift to get to know Jensen in all his beautiful and unique facets. He learns so much about his co-star, quirks Jared otherwise would probably never have found out about, the thing with the bed on the first night just the first of many.

But, Jared thinks, as he watches Jensen tidy up his already spotless room, like he does at least twice a week, that’s the thing that makes his friend so loveable. That’s why they fit so well, why they almost complete each other.

For example, Jensen is really good with all that household stuff. Cleaning, laundry, cooking. He doesn’t even mind doing it while Jared really has to force himself to waste his precious free-time for stuff like that. It’s Jensen who makes their place - and Jared loves to think about his house as Jensen’s place as well - a cozy home.

Jared, on the contrary, is good in the interpersonal stuff. It’s him who lures Jensen out of his shell, who takes him out to bars and games, who invites him to talk to him, if Jensen wants to. It’s Jared who welcomes his friend every morning with a hot coffee, prepared just the way the older man likes it best, and who hovers over him, literally or figuratively, giving Jensen the love he has missed for years, making their home a place Jensen loves to return to.

~~~

Jared breathes hard when he wakes up.

He can still feel Jensen’s lips pressed against his own, the warmth of his friend’s breath tickling his skin and that muscled body melted into his. Perspiration is glistening not only on Jared’s forehead but on his neck and naked torso and his hard dick is throbbing painfully, wetting his boxers with pre-come.

Confused, Jared stumbles into the bathroom. Not sure if the hours of making out with Jensen, of teasing, nibbling and biting miles of freckled skin, of worshiping bowed legs and of caressing those wrinkles around Jensen’s eyes have been a dream, he pinches himself hard before he steps into the ice-cold shower. The chilling jet of water should clear Jared’s mind, but all it does is freezing him to the bones and stinging him like a thousand needles.

Once the young man steps out of the stall, he still can’t tell if it was only a dream.

Yawning heartily, Jared grabs a pair of worn sweats and a faded tee, his usual gear for a lazy, work free Sunday morning, and pads down the stairs. Music and someone that must be Jensen, singing along to the song, are sounding over from the kitchen and the delicious scent of coffee and fresh muffins is whiffing to Jared’s nose, giving him a feeling of home he has never experienced here in Vancouver before.

The moment Jared steps into the kitchen, he is met by his two babies, barking happily, wagging their tails and almost overrunning him with joy. He pats them tenderly but absentmindedly. His mind is where his eyes are, on Jensen, standing at the kitchen counter, whisking what are probably eggs in a large bowl. He is wearing almost the same comfortable clothes as Jared and his hair is tousled, sticking in all directions because Jensen hasn’t bothered with combing it after his morning shower.

"Hey. Morning, Jay." Jensen turns around and beams, brighter than the August sun that is shining through the opened window and Jared thinks it’s the most beautiful he has ever seen his friend. All relaxed and happy, face framed by the golden sun, and that adoration in his eyes that always makes Jared’s heart flutter.

Not really thinking about it any longer, sure that it can’t have been a dream as pictures of them kissing and caressing each other flash through Jared’s mind, he steps over the dogs, right behind Jensen.

"Morning," he breathes against Jensen’s ear, wrapping his arms tightly around his friend from behind, holding him close against his chest as he leans down to put a gentle kiss on Jensen’s temple.

In the first moment of bliss, being held like that, Jensen leans into the touch, but when Jared’s lips touch his skin and wander down his scratchy cheek, he goes rigid in Jared’s embrace.

"What the fuck!" Jensen  exclaims , more surprised than annoyed, turning his head enough to see all of Jared.

Green eyes meet hazel, confusion meets love and adoration, slowly being chased away with insecurity, as Jensen’s words sink in.

Like Jared burned his hands, he lets go, missing the warmth of the connection at once.

"I’m sorry", he babbles. "I thought.... I... um..." He can’t explain, can’t make a fool of himself in front of Jensen, although his friend deserves nothing but the embarrassing truth. "Sorry..."

He steps back, almost tripping over his mutts, before he turns around and flees back to where he came from.

Heavy footsteps follow him, a deep, confused voice is calling him, but Jared barely notices it as he slams the door shut, leaning heavily against it only to jerk away when the bang of a fist shudders against the wood.

"Jay! Open the damn door! And tell me what the fuck is going on here?!" Jared doesn’t have any difficulty to imagine how mixed up Jensen must be, banging his fist against the door once more as confusion slowly turns into anger. "Open up you bastard!"

Breathing jerkily, Jared tries to sort his mind, tries really hard to remember whether it was a dream or not, but he can ’t tell. He still can see J ensen’s flushed face, can hear their mingled breaths and moans, can feel the other man’s heavily throbbing dick in his hand and the taste of come on his tongue when he deftly satisfied him until he was a begging, slobbering mess.

"God.... I... don’t know." It’s not even a lie. Truth is, Jared really doesn’t know what’s going on, why he can’t tell the difference between dream and reality any longer.

"Liar," Jensen snarls. "Don’t fuck with me like this." Another frustrated bang is slammed against the door. "Not you! Not after everything we’ve been going through. I deserve better!"

Jensen is right. Of course he does. But Jared isn’t ready to agree, just listens to Jensen’s rambling, feeling worse with every word.

"Was it all a plan? Did you just want me to live here to make fun of me?" Jensen is shaking with pain and humiliation.

It’s a shock, hearing Jensen say something like this and Jared gasps hard, but not loud enough for the other man to hear him.

"That was it, wasn’t it? You wanted to laugh at me, at your stupid co-star who has fallen so deeply for you, who’s still not over you. For you it might be a game, Jared. But it isn’t for me!"

Appalled, Jared opens the door in one swift movement and Jensen, who has leaned heavily against it, stumbles into the room. Had it not it been for Jared who deftly catches him, he’d have fallen head first onto the floor.

"Don’t you dare touching me!" Jensen breathes hard, even before he securely stands on both of his feet again.

Jared lets go at once, because he knows that tone. He’s only heard it once or twice, and then he hoped it would never be directed at him because it’s the tone Jensen uses when he is horribly pissed. Instead, he steps onto the threshold, not willing to let Jensen leave. They’ve been there before, running away, and Jared has enough of it.

"Hear me out, Jen. Please."

"Let. Me. Go." It’s that tone again and if looks could kill, Jared would have died in an instant, Jensen’s eyes flaming with fury.

"No." Jared shakes his head. "Not yet. I promise. I will let you go. And I promise, I won’t touch you. Nev er again, if that’s what you want. Bu t hear me out."

Hesitantly, his friend looks at Jared. He probably wonders if he should dare and fight with him, run him over or kick him hard into his nuts, but the way Jared is standing in the door frame, broad-legged and all 6.4" of muscled flesh, Jensen probably wouldn’t stand a chance anyways.

"Okay." He crosses his arms in front of his chest, looking really impatient. It’s clear that he expects a very good explanation for what has just happened, otherwise...

"You’re my friend, Jen. My best friend. I’d never, ever make fun of you, you should know that. I respect you more than most people."

"Then why would you do this? Playing with me."

"I didn’t. I thought it was... real."

Jensen laughs. "Real? Us being... partners?" He spits the word out. "Why should it be?"

Jared feels his face heating up but he doesn’t deserve any better. "I um, dreamed of it, I think. Last night. And it felt real. And I thought...."

His friend cuts him off. "Why the hell would you dream about something like this, Jay?!"

"Because I want it." He says it so quietly that Jensen can barely hear it.

"Haha. Very good." Jensen’s eyes flash him another furious glance. "Where’s the hidden camera?"

"I swear, Jen. It’s true. I um...," and now he blushes even more deeply because there is no way he can tell Jensen without being the biggest girl ever, "have feelings. For you."

"Yeah. Sure." Jensen breathes out. "You claim to be my friend."

Jared swallows hard. It’s now or never to spill the beans. "It’s more than that. I split with Sandy because of you."

The older man just gasps, opening his crossed arms, throwing them in the air in a gesture of pure incredulity. "You’ve got to be kidding me!"

"I swear I don’t." It’s said so genuinely and tenderly that Jensen just has to believe him.

"But," Jensen stutters. "You’re not gay."

Jared shrugs and dares to finally leave his position at the door, stepping a few steps into his bedroom, closer to where Jensen is standing insecurely besides the bed. "I am. For you."  
  
"That's ridiculous." Jensen laughs humorlessly, shaking his head in disbelief.  
  
"Jen," Jared sighs. "I know what it must sound like. But it's true, I swear. I've fallen for you. Hard and deep."  
  
Jensen still doesn't quite believe it. It just can't be. Why should he suddenly get what he has wanted for almost four years? "Proof it," the older man demands.  
  
"What do you want me to do, Jen?! Kiss you?! Blow you?!" Jared shouts, almost desperately but when he sees Jensen flinch at his raised voice, he continues, in a much calmer, almost tender way. "That's not how it should be, Jen. The time for it will come, sooner or later, whenever we are ready. But right now I want you to believe because of my words, because I've never lied to you before and I certainly wouldn't lie to you about something as important and life-changing as this. I'm fucking scared," Jared admits, "but it's worth it. You're worth it. So please, just believe me."  
  
Several emotions are written on his friend's face while Jared talks but when he's done, when realization and most of all, acceptance is finally sinking in, only joy remains in Jensen's features.  
  
Like an iron drawn to a magnet, Jared wants nothing more than to be with Jensen now but a little part of him is still doubtful that he can really have what he wants and needs. "So, umm, are we good, Jen? Can we give it a try?"  
  
There is no answer other than Jensen stepping close to him, pulling Jared into his arms. His left hand almost painfully buries into Jared's shoulder but his other hand strokes over his skin all the more tenderly. Love shining in his eyes, Jensen is looking up as his fingers trail their way over back, nape of neck and shoulder upwards until they reach cheek and earlobe, finally pulling Jared in for a kiss.  
  
The moment their lips touch a firework explodes in Jared's belly, making him all warm, light and fuzzy, like he has just drunken the best alcoholic drink ever. His legs turn to jelly and he's sure, if it wasn’t for Jensen and his strong grip, his knees would give in. His friend's lips are as soft and delicious as they look, kissing deftly, tasting of bitter coffee and sweet muffin dough.  
  
Gently, the tip of Jensen's tongue trails the line of Jared's lips before it wriggles through the small gap to explore the warm, damp hole of the taller man's mouth where he finally meets Jared's own, eager tongue.  
  
He moans in pleasure as Jensen's tongue slides over his, as his friend deepens the kiss and gives Jared the chance to let his own greedy tongue  explore Jensen in that new, intimate way. While a part of Jared perceives the feeling of Jensen's lips and teeth, the biggest part of him is very well aware of his body being pressed against Jensen's, from head to toe. He feels heat radiating from Jensen’s body, twitching muscles and a light tremble running through his friend but most of all, Jensen's crotch against his thigh, his cock a promising tent in his denim prison. Jared's own blood started rushing south a while ago and pre-come is moistening his boxers as it grows with every moan that escapes them, with every jerk of Jensen's able tongue and his half-hard dick against his body.  
  
"Jennnn," Jared breaths out in a long, deep moan. "The things you do to me," he whimpers, wondering what would happen if Jensen would do more than simply kiss him, what could even top being the drooling, shivering mess he is right now.

"Shhh," the older man soothes him, taking Jared's hand, tugging him over to the bed.  
  
He stops Jared from slumping down on the mattress, holds him up with a warm hand curled around his waist, gently thumbing the flesh there. A quick but hungry kiss, demanding and promising, then Jensen tugs at the tee, exposing the younger man's torso.  
  
"Beautiful. So beautiful," Jensen whispers reverently. It's not that he has never seen Jared half-naked before, because he has, countless times. But never before, Jensen has allowed himself to appreciate the masterpiece Jared is. The strong upper arms, the broad shoulders, the well-built chest with the brown nipples that invite to be sucked and teased. Further down there's the flat belly, only abs and not an ounce of fat, the bellybutton and the happy trail leading to the wood of pubic hair and the biggest treasure, Jared's cock.  
  
Jared moans pleadingly, hoping for release soon, but Jensen only laughs as he caresses the godly chest, taking his time to stroke his hands down inch by inch until they arrive at the waistband of sweatpants and boxers, tugging them off.  
  
Released from its too tight prison, Jared's dick springs forward and Jared can't help feeling proud when Jensen looks appreciatively at his impressive penis. It's already painfully hard and Jensen seems to notice that Jared can't hold it much longer, finally pushing him gently onto the covers, crawling over him until his nose and then his lips touch Jared.  
  
As greedy hands roam up and down Jared's body, from thigh to ass to chest and back, warm and sweaty like his own that he has buried into Jensen's waist, the older man gives him the blow-job of his life. His mouth is so different around him than Sandy's, hungrier, greedier and needier and waves of pleasure rush through Jared, taking him higher and higher. 

His hips jerk heavily, the sure sign that he is going to lose it soon, and Jared shouts a warning out to Jensen that gets drowned in his friend’s own groan. Grinning dirtily, Jensen swallows Jared even more and when he finally comes, releasing his semen like a fountain releases its water, the older man gulps like a parched man, taking everything in Jared has to give.

Breathing heavily, being utterly spent, Jared almost misses Jensen’s deep moan when his friend comes, his lips letting go of his now limp cock, his hand painfully buried into Jared’s side.

Suddenly, when Jensen’s last groan has ebbed away, the silence stretches between the two men. Like they had run a marathon they’re breathing hard and their expressions resemble one another: surprise and shock, but most of all, bliss.

It’s Jared who recovers first, making himself more comfortable on his bed, sliding his arms around his friend’s sweaty body. He holds him, takes in Jensen’s already so familiar fragrance, now mixed with the scent of his own come. It’s hot and sexy, heaven and hell at the same time. Nothing has ever topped that and there is no one else he wants to have sex with ever again.

Jensen is a warm, almost dead weight in his arms but Jared tugs and pulls, until his friend’s clothes are gone and both men are lying on the bed in their birthday suits, admiring the other’s body with nothing else but appreciative looks. There’s so much to see, so much to explore and Jared can’t wait to start, stroking his fingers over every inch of Jensen’s amazing figure.

But Jared is too tired and comfortable right now and there’s no rush to experience each other anyways. It can wait until they are awake enough to take everything in and appreciate what they see and feel. Yawning, Jared only manages to pull the cover over both of them, snuggling closer into Jensen’s embrace before he falls asleep, hoping that it wasn’t a dream.

~~

Faint barks in the distance wake Jared up eventually. Squinting against the bright sun, the young man feels a little guilty about abandoning his kids but the memories chase it away.

Snoring lightly, Jensen is still pressed against Jared’s body and with every exhale, his breath tickles Jared’s chest with warm, damp air. One of Jensen’s hands is resting lightly on Jared’s waist and the other is awkwardly pressed against his shoulder, almost buried underneath Jared. Jensen looks peaceful and content, a couple of years younger than he really is, as if all the worries that demanded such a great toll of Jensen have crumbled away in those few hours of sleep.

Jared can’t stay here forever, has to feed and let his dogs out if he doesn’t want them to make a mess in his kitchen, but he doesn’t leave at once. He just watches his friend sleep for a while, listens to his breath and soft snores and the occasional mumble that reminds Jared much more of a little kid than of a almost 30-year-old man.

Tenderly and carefully, he reaches out a long finger, brushing it over Jensen’s spiked hair once or twice. Only then he disentangles himself from Jensen and sneaks away to take care of his dogs.

~

Jared makes it up to his babies, giving them an extra big portion of food and a generous belly rub after he has watched them romp around in the backyard. After a while though, Jared is longing to be back in his bedroom and with Jensen again, feeling his sleep warm skin pressed against his own.

Patting his mutts one last time, he sneaks back upstairs and, throwing the bathrobe onto the floor, crawls back into the bed. Jensen has moved since Jared left, is now lying on his stomach, legs spread wide and head buried into the pillow. He’s still fast asleep and for a second, Jared hesitates to touch him again, not daring to wake his friend up. But he just can’t not touch, covering one of Jensen’s well-formed buttocks with his palm, fingers spread as wide as Jensen’s legs which he carefully has to shove away to make himself comfortable next to his lover.

Are we lovers now?, Jared wonders as the thought hits him. He doesn’t really like the term, because, no matter how great the blow job was, promising so much more, Jared doesn’t want their relationship only to be about sex _._ Partners? That sounds like we are an old married couple. The young man giggles quietly at the thought, of him and Jensen as old men, still living together. Boyfriends? Having a boyfriend sounds strange in his own ears, sounds like it makes being gay so much more true, but he wants them to be exactly that. Boyfriends.

Satisfied, Jared smiles, lazily thumbing his fingers over Jensen’s butt, getting more tired with each of Jensen’s breaths, slowly being dragged back into sleep once more.

~

It’s not that Jared is really surprised when he jerks awake, thanks to Jensen gasping in shock, obviously freaking out as he realizes that he is lying naked in Jared’s bed. With Jared. Being equally naked. Jared has expected nothing less but can’t help a little disappointment creeping up as Jensen still can’t really believe that this is actually happening.

"Calm down, Jen," Jared murmurs. "It’s okay. Remember? We both wanted it. Still want it. So, shut up," he grins, "and come here. Let me cuddle the fear out of you." There’s a hint of tease but nevertheless, Jared opens his arms and invites his friend to come closer.

With every second Jensen comes closer to being fully awake, his memory returns until, after Jensen has squeezed his eyes shut only to open them again a couple of times, realization dawns on his face. He relaxes visibly and doesn’t complain when Jared is indeed sliding closer, gathers him into his arms and strokes and kisses the last remains of insecurity and fear away.

"I thought it was a dream," Jensen admits. "The best, most wonderful dream of all, but still, a dream."

"Nah. It wasn’t a dream." Jared laughs, thinking about how it even started. "It’s all real, Jen. It’s happening. Let’s make the best of it."

**7**

Without talking about it, both decide to keep the development of their relationship a secret for the time being. Maybe they just don't want to jinx it, maybe it's because they are scared to see the reactions in their friends’ and workmates’ faces, but they agree not to share their newfound love with anyone else at the moment.  
  
For Jared, that's particularly hard. He has always been a man who has worn his heart at his sleeve, saying but most of all showing what he feels. And never before did he have to hide his feelings. Being with Sandy had been so natural and when they saw each other, he had always sought some kind of connection with her, holding hands or throwing his long arm around her delicate body, kissing her wherever they were, not only behind closed doors.  
  
Now though, he can't. Now he has to treat Jensen as if the rapturous and greedy kisses and the long making-out sessions that take both to the edge never happened. Jared has to pretend that Jensen simply is what he always has been: his co-star and closest friend, but nothing more.  
  
Sometimes he finds himself reaching out, ready to touch Jensen's fingers, to twine them with his own, only to jerk back at the last second, looking guilty and shocked when he realizes what almost happened. Sometimes, when Jensen slides too much into Dean's character, Jared just wants to  kiss the angst on his face and in his eyes away. But he can't. He just gives him a pat on the back, wishing it could be so much more.   
  
They only dare to touch each other behind the closed and locked doors of their respective trailers, shutters closed, not taking any risk that some passer-by might notice. Only then, they share kisses, hold each other or take a nap in each others’ arms, only to jerk away guiltily, disentangling themselves hurriedly, scared that they are finally caught, although the trailer is still as safe as before.  
  
As much as the two men talk to each other, they never talk about them coming out and the more they avoid the subject, the more paranoid about getting caught they become. The elephant in the room follows them wherever they go and makes the topic more awkward with every passing day.

That's why Jared isn't even really surprised when his suggestion leads to their first real tiff.

~~~

  
It's two weeks before Thanksgiving.  
  
Jared has never had so much to be grateful for as this year, but he's dreading the day like no Thanksgiving before. Not because he will be apart from Jensen, because he won't. The Ackles and Padaleckis are going to spend the holidays together. And that's exactly what scares Jared. Because of what he wants to do, the truth he wants to tell them all.  
  
He knows, his boyfriend will hate it. And Jared understands, he really does. Jensen has told him more than once how his father reacted when he found out, how his father will react when he brings his sexuality into the circle of his family. But Jared just can't lie, doesn't want to pretend that there is nothing, when there is so much. It's hard enough on set with people who haven't known him all his life. It's more or less impossible at his childhood home with his mom watching him, able to read Jared like an open book. And if his mom taught Jared one thing it is not to lie about things, least of all about himself.  
  
They're lying curled up together, legs entangled and hands intertwined. The scent of sex lingers in the air and is only slowly chased away by the cool morning air the wind blows into Jared's bedroom. A while ago, Jensen stopped using the room he moved into only a few months ago for something other than a quick nap when he's home alone or as a store room. Nowadays, they're sharing Jared's bedroom like an old couple, like they have done nothing else for years and years and it's one of the things that make Jared so happy, them being so comfortable around each other.  
  
But not enough. Otherwise they wouldn't mind what other people think about them, would have come out the minute they first kissed, at least to their friends and family.  
  
"Jen," Jared starts, squeezing his boyfriend's hand and comes to the point straight away, without any preamble. "I bet you won't like it, but I'd like us to come out to our families on Thanksgiving."   
  
Jensen's eyes widen in shock and he lets go of Jared's hand, like he can't bear that connection right now.  
  
"I don't like it," the older man confirms, without thinking about it at all. He turns to his side and props his head up on his elbow to see all of Jared's face, maybe hoping for an advantage if he hovers above his boyfriend. "In fact, I hate it. It's something I just can't do. And you should know that, after all the chick-flick talks we had about my dad. So, why do you suggest it anyway?" Jensen tries hard to keep his voice neutral but especially his last words drip with displeasure.  
  
"Don't be mad," Jared pleads, looking frankly into Jensen's face. "You don't have to make your decision now, just think about it."  
  
Almost imperceptibly, Jensen shakes his head. "I can't. My dad... He was clear. We kind of have that agreement. I don't bring my abnormality," Jensen spits it out, "home, don't mortify the family with it."  
  
"You're not abnormal, Jen." Jared sighs in frustration. He really thought he had achieved some progress here after several hours of honest heart-to-heart talk. "How can this," he points between the two of them, between their naked bodies, still glistening with sweat from before when they made love, "be abnormal? It's beautiful. Extraordinary. It's what I'm thankful for the most this year. I just can't pretend not to love you when every fiber in me wants to shout it from the roof tops."  
  
There's pain in Jensen's eyes and he really sounds genuine when he denies Jared. "I'm sorry, Jay. I just can't. Please don't push me."  
  
He kisses Jared's forehead and is gone before the younger man can even say his name.

~  


Jensen stays in his room the whole morning. When they see each other for lunch the older man avoids eye contact while a false smile is plastered on his face. The air between them sparkles with unspoken words and accusations that boil beneath the surface of their overly friendly conversation.

There’s so much Jared wants to say, but he doesn’t. He’s not sure if it’d help Jensen to make a decision and he promised to give him time. Maybe, if he doesn’t push, Jensen will come to the conclusion that coming out to his parents - no matter how uncomfortable it might be - is the only honest, the only right thing to do.

~~

A few days pass by uneventfully.

Maybe they are a little politer than usual, but in the whole, nothing has changed. On set, they’re the great co-stars they’ve always been and at home they spend the nights exploring each other.

The subject of Jared’s plans for the Thanksgiving feast hasn’t been brought up again. Jared stays true to his word, giving his boyfriend time to think about it and if Jensen thinks about it at all, he doesn't show it, being attentive as always. Nevertheless Jared has the feeling that as long as the jury is still out, it is hanging over their heads like a dark storm cloud.

~

Jared has just finished calling his mom, telling her when he and Jensen will arrive on Wednesday night, when he dares to bring the disagreeable subject up again.

"Did you think about my suggestion?" Jared enters the living-room where Jensen is lazing around on the sofa, lost into some old, tattered novel.

Jensen looks up, confused expression drawn over his face. "Huh?"

"Telling our families," Jensen explains as he comes closer. "About us."

"There’s nothing to think about, Jared," Jensen says stubbornly. "I don’t want anyone to know."

If someone is as stubborn as his boyfriend, it’s Jared himself and he isn’t ready to give up at once, far from it.

"Why not?" he asks, like if he still were a little kid who can’t have some candy he saw at the supermarket. He’s sitting down on the couch with Jensen, crossing his legs, looking at him calmer than he actually feels about the whole thing.

"Are you really that stupid?! Or just slow on the uptake?" Jensen snarls, closing his book with a snap.

Jared might be many things, but stupid certainly isn’t one of them and Jensen’s words are enough for him to lose his patience. "Oh come on! It just can’t be because of your dad! Screw him, Jensen! You’re not accountable to anyone, least of all to your dad!"

The older man’s lower lip trembles slightly, in rage or nervousness, Jared can’t really tell.

"He’s just one in a circle of many. Your mom and siblings don’t mind, you told me more than once."

"But ... But... What about your family?" Jensen tries to reason. "What if they mind?"

"I don’t care, Jen!" Jared’s temper is heated, fed up with lying and the intolerance so many people show when it comes to homosexuality. "And you shouldn’t either! We are adults! Old enough to make our own decisions!

"But I care!" Jensen sho uts, jumping up from the sofa. "I want it to be a peaceful holiday! I don’t want any awkward situations, neither with my dad nor your parents. They believe you to be straight, Jay! Don’t be so naive! Do you really think they accept you being gay for me and welcome me with open arms?" He breathes heavily, like he has just ran miles and miles.

"Yeah! I do. They already know you. They like you. My mom’s crazy about you, Jen. Whenever I call it’s Jensen this and Jensen that."

"I doubt she will be so happy and enthusiastic when she finds out that I’m fucking her baby boy!" Jensen gestures wildly, hands dancing thro ugh the air as he shouts out his frustration.

For a moment, Jared is speechless. He has to admit, he has never really thought about the possibility that his parents might react badly when he tells them. All his life, they’ve been understanding and supportive. They’ve taught him to follow his dreams and to be what he is, not what other people want him to be. His parents freaking out because he fell for Jensen is a thought that never really occurred to him. Jared has to admit, it scares him. But nevertheless, he is pretty sure that Jensen’s worry can’t be the complete truth behind his stern refusal.

"Come on, Jen!" He sighs. "I  understand that you’re worried about myself and my family, but that’s not what it’s all about. There’s something else!"

Jensen shakes his head fiercely, throwing his hands in the air in a gesture of denial.

"Don’t lie to me!" Jared yells, more in frustration than in real anger and only when he sees Jensen flinch at the harsh tone, he forces himself to calm down. "Don’t do this, Jensen. Please. We deserve something better."

Pacing through the room, Jensen stays quiet for a very long time. Jared is already on the verge of leaving when his boyfriend stops and turns around in one swift move.

"You’re right." Jensen surrenders. "It’s not only about my dad. Mainly. But not only."

"Then what is it, Jen? Tell me, so we can work it out."

Jensen doesn’t look at Jared but out of the window where clouds of fog are creeping over the lawn. "I’m not sure if we’re ready for it." He only whispers it, but Jared hears him just well enough and his heart sinks. He knows what Jensen really wants to say.

"You don’t believe we are for good, do you? You believe I’ll run away as soon as the next pretty lady comes around? You think we won’t make it and that’s why you don’t want to tell your family? Am I right?"

Ashamed, Jen sen turns around, biting his lower lip, risking a quick look at his boyfriend, nodding almost imperceptibly, not able to put his fear into words.

Jared feels like someone has just  punched him.

"What Jen?" he demands to know, his eyes filling with moisture at the devastation he suddenly feels. "Tell me? What did I do wrong? What else can I do to make you believe that I want this?!"

"Nothing." It’s just one word but it’s said with so much desperation that it chokes Jared.

"Then why, Jensen, can’t you believe?" He feels the first tear escaping his eyes, not caring that he reacts so emotionally again. If it makes Jared the biggest girl with a cock on earth, who cares. He just hates that Jensen is still so unsure, self-conscious and hurting, no matter what Jared does and says to make it better.

The older man hesitates. "It never ended well before. Sooner or later, they always had enough of me."

Even before Jared can think of a reply, his boyfriend is gone, leaving the warmth and brightness of their home for the cold, foggy November night.

~

'"Shit!! Stupid son of a bitch!" Jared curses in frustration, though he can't even tell who he's upset with. Himself, for bringing it up again? Jensen, for being as stubborn as him and so damn insecure about himself? Or Jensen's dad and his useless ex-boyfriends, for jostling him into that deep hole Jensen now struggles to climb out, no matter how hard Jared tries to help.  
  
Why can't Jensen just believe it? Jared isn't naive. He knows that there is no guarantee for forever, that, most of all, it is too early in their relationship to even think about something like that, something permanent, including bands and vows, but Jared really tried with all his strength to show Jensen how much he means to him. Isn't his request, coming out to their families, the biggest possible proof his boyfriend could wish for?

But it seems that it's not enough...  
  
What else could he do? Flowers? Chocolates? Candle-light dinners? Probably not... Jensen would laugh his ass off and it has never been about material things anyways, even though Jared is sure that the princess that lives deep inside both of them would appreciate that romantic crap.  
  
It might be the little things, the things he says or does that can convince his boyfriend. And Jared can start with it, right now. Although he is tired to the bones and every bit of him is longing for his bed, Jared stays where he is. Curling up into one of his armchairs, his dogs at his feet, he waits for Jensen to come home. He doesn't know what will happen when his boyfriend returns, doesn't know what he can tell Jensen, but at least, he will be there.  
  
Time see ms to creep slowly. Jared tries to watch TV and read some passages in the latest script, but whenever he looks up at the clock and thinks that at least half an hour must have passed, it's only a few minutes. In the end he gives up his halfhearted attempts, sits down on the floor with his kids and buries his hands into their short furs, scratching their necks and rubbing their bellies. Feeling their warmth is soothing and the practiced movements are drowsy, so eventually, Jared falls into a light sleep.   
  
That's how Jensen finds him. Head awkwardly pressed against the armrest of the armchair, hands buried into his sleeping dog's fur, their drool wetting Jared's pants. It's adorable, makes Jensen smile and chases the cold from the chilling night away.

Jared waited for him...  
  
Jensen approaches his sleeping boyfriend, kneels down and can't resist to tenderly brush Jared's shiny bangs out of his face before he wakes him up.  
  
"Jay? Wake up, sleepyhead." Jensen places his hand on Jared's shoulder and rubs it gently as he watches his boyfriend slowly wake, scrunching his nose and rubbing his eyes.  
  
Jared is stiff from the long hours on the floor and the nap in the uncomfortable position but the ache in his bones is forgotten when he sees the love shining in Jensen's eyes. "You came back"  
  
"Of course." The rub of Jensen’s hands against Jared’s shoulder is a steady motion. "I just needed to... clear my hea d."  
  
"Looks like it worked," Jared deadpans as he looks at his boyfriend, face flushed from the cold and hair damp from the fog. Without thinking what had pulled Jensen outside in the first place, Jared reaches out to trail a still sleepy hand through his boyfriend's spiked hair and cups his cold cheek in his warm hand.  
  
It's a good sign that Jensen lets him do it and leans into the touch.  
  
"I'm sorry, Jay, for being such a stubborn ass."  
  
"It's okay." Jared brushes his thumb along the line of Jensen’s face, the cold of his skin seeping through, stubble raw against his sensitive fingertip. "My fault. Stubborn ass myself."  
  
Jensen laughs but then gets serious again. "Most of all, I'm sorry for not believing in what we have. I know I should. But it's just so damn hard. After Tony and Martin."  
  
"Yeah. I know."

  
"I will try. Believe in what we have. Because I want to. It's good, fucking great actually. Everything I could ever wish for."  
  
"My words," Jared smirks.  
  
"So, I've been thinking, about your suggestion. There isn't much else to do when you wander around Vancouver in the middle of the night."  
  
"And?" Jared arches his eyebrows, underscoring his curious look.  
  
"How about a compromise, Jay? I can't tell my family. Not yet. Maybe never will. I promised Dad. And as right as you are about him, he's my dad. I respect him. Apart from that one thing, he's always been good to me. I can't bring it home to him. It's the only thing he has ever asked of me, so I think I should really keep them away from that part of my life, Jay. But," Jensen takes a deep breath, reaching out to touch Jared’s hand. "That doesn't have to mean that you keep it a secret. My parents won't arrive before Thursday noon. We arrive Wednesday night. Let us tell your family in between. I'm sure, if we ask them, they will understand and won't tell my folks."  
  
Jared sighs. It's not what he wanted but better than nothing and most of all, it's a start in the process of acknowledgment. He's not sure if his mom will be too happy about keeping it a secret but Jensen is right, she will understand the necessity of it.  
  
"Okay." Jared nods, squeezing Jensen’s hand. "Although I will miss holding your hand during dinner."  
  
"Princess." Jensen laughs, the relief written on his face. "Remember, we still have your bedroom. It has a lock and a key, hasn't it?"  
  
"Oh yeah." Jared wriggles his brow.  
  
"Great." Jensen smiles roguishly. "Then everything should be okay."

~~~

It's past 10 p.m. when the actors arrive at the Casa Padalecki. They're exhausted, not only because of the long flight but most of all because of the crack of dawn wake up call and the tiring day of work before they rushed off to the airport. Nevertheless they decided to tell Jared's folks the news at once. If needed, it will give them a little time to adjust and it's better than telling them on the busy Thanksgiving morning.  
  
Jared's brother Jeff is with his own family but apart from him, everyone's assembled around the dinner table that is laden with a variety of delicious food. Jared doesn't say anything while they're digging in, his mom's food better than everything Jared had in the past weeks, no matter how well Jensen cooks.  
  
But when they're done and the used plates of the main course are cleaned away only to be replaced by homemade ice-cream, Jared glances at his boyfriend, locks his left foot with Jensen's right and clears his throat.  
  
"Mom, Dad, Meg," Jared starts, "there's something I... well, we've got to tell you."  
  
If Jared isn't much mistaken, he already sees the truth dawning on his sister's face. She's always known him well, always had inklings when it came to the things that are going on in his life.  
  
"You know, Jensen and I, we've been best friends from the start. But it's more now." Jared lets his eyes linger on his sister and parents. "We're in a relationship."   
  
The words are hanging between the two men and Jared's family and for a few moment the silence is heavy, only filled by the suddenly too loud tick-tock of the old clock, counting the seconds away. Megan grins but the faces of his parents are unreadable. There certainly is surprise and shock but whatever else is going on in their minds, Jared can't tell.  
  
"But, you're not gay, son," Gerri stutters.  
  
"I'm bi," Jared admits frankly. "Jensen's not the first... though my first boyfriend. I know, this comes as a shock but I really hope you can accept me being with Jensen."  
  
Jared's parents are looking at each other, communicating wordlessly how to handle this unexpected situation. Megan though is already half around the table, rushing towards her brother and his boyfriend, hugging first Jared, then Jensen.  
  
"I knew it!" she laughs. "I should have bet with Mackenzie."  
  
"You talked about it?" Jensen asks horror-stricken.  
  
"Sure. She told me you are gay but made me swear not to tell anybody. I always suspected that JT is at least bi and was sure the way you are together and all his Jensen here and Jensen there just means that there is something going on between you two."  
  
"God... Does all my family know?" There is a hint of panic in the older man's voice.  
  
Megan knows enough about Jensen's family and his dad to understand what must be going on in Jensen's mind. "No, don't worry, Jensen. It's only Mackenzie. And she's fine with it, you know that."  
  
Jensen's smile is slightly tortured and Jared reaches out, twining their fingers together, to give him further reassurance that no one else in his family will find out, if Jensen doesn't want to.  
  
"That brings me to something else," Jared says, looking at his parents sternly. "You know about Jensen's dad. Whatever you might think about it or us, please don't tell his parents. Jensen isn't ready to tell them yet, has even made sort of a deal with his dad, never to bring his sexuality home, and I think we should respect it. Is that okay?"  
  
He looks expectantly  at his parents whose eyes glide from Jared to Jensen and back to each other. There's a barely recognizable nod from his dad and then his  mom speaks for both of them.  


"It'd be a lie to tell you that we aren't surprised, JT, because other than Meg, we are. But we raised you to stay true to yourself and follow your heart. And if your heart leads you to Jensen, then we won't judge or blam e you." Looking at Jensen, she continues. "You're a good boy, Jensen. I always wanted Jay to be with a nice girl, but if he decides to take another road, I think you're the best boyfriend he could have and that we could wish for our son."   
  
Jared is touched. It's clear that his mom isn't over the moon with his new way of life, maybe has even trouble to understa nd it. But she keeps to her words and to what she has taught him, is clever enough to see how important Jensen is to him and how happy they are .  
  
"Thank you, mom," Jared says genuinely, standing up and hurrying over to pull her small form into a bone-crushing hug before he turns to his dad. Their embrace is much shorter, but the hard clap on his shoulder is enough to assure Jared that even his dad is okay with his new-found sexual identity as long as he is happy.

~

"Your parents are great," Jensen sighs when they lie huddled together beneath the covers in Jared's too small bed. They've put up a guest bed for appearance, but both prefer having less space in the night and each other instead. The nightly hours are the only time they can truly be themselves after all. "You're so damn lucky." He sounds a little jealous and Jared doesn't blame Jensen. Everyone is longing for acceptance and love from their parents and today, Jared got that, while Jensen knows it's something he will never have, at least not from his father.  
  
"You're lucky, too, Jen. They're your family now as well. And I think my mom already loves you more than she loves me."  
  
"Mmm," he murmurs sleepily. "Then you're right. I'm damn lucky, too."

~~

Jared fears it might be awkward as soon as the Ackles arrive, but luckily, it isn't. Their secret doesn't hang over the house like a dark threat and everyone in Jared's family is eager to behave as normal as possible, entertaining their guests in their own way. The lovers are careful, but it still gives them the chance to sneak away once in a while, sharing heated kisses in the privacy of Jared's locked bedroom.  
  
The Thanksgiving feast itself is a huge spectacle. The table, placed outside on the patio and decorated with the last remaining summer flowers and two dozen candles, almost breaks under the weight of the gigantic turkey and all the other delicacies the women prepared in the course of the day. Jared and Jensen are sitting together, but they don't behave any different than the friends they've always been. If their knees bump together once in a while or their fingers brush whenever they hand over bowls of food, no one notices.  
  
In the course of the evening, Jared has a long chat with Alan. Even though he always bears in mind what the man has done - and still does - to Jensen, he can't help but genuinely liking him. He's appreciative of what Jared has done for Jensen, making him feel at home in Vancouver and praises Jared for the development in his acting. Jared can't help giggling inside, wondering what Alan would say if he knew how much Jared really did for his son, smirking at Jensen, who's listening to their conversation with one ear, mischievously.

In return, Jared can't resist to praise Jensen extensively.  
  
"Don't believe one word, Dad." Jensen jokes, slapping Jared's head. "He exaggerates. According to Jared, you might believe I'm a semi-god or something"  
  
"Hey, I just repeat what the fans say about you." Jared laughs, flashing a startling grin towards his boyfriend.  
  
"Yeah. Whatever. Dad knows I'm not perfect. And you know that, too." There's a glimmer of sadness in Jensen's eyes and Jared feels that hole in his gut, making him uneasy and queasy, wondering if his boyfriend will ever reach the level of happiness and contentment he deserves.

~

Later that night, when they're lying in the darkness and are on the verge of sleep, Jared whispers, "For all it's worth, Jen. You might not be the perfect son for you dad. But you're perfect for me."  
  
It's the closest to an  _I love you_ Jared has ever come and when Jensen brushes his lips over Jared's, he knows his boyfriend feels it, too.

~~~

It's only two weeks later when Jared and Jensen are accidentally outed on set.

It sets a stone rolling that slowly turns into an avalanche and sweeps them off their feet and away from each other in the end.  
  
Another hard long day is done. Jared is sitting in Jensen's trailer, waiting for his boyfriend to step out of the shower before they're going out with Tom for a bit of pre-Christmas celebration.  
  
Jensen promised to be quick but he disappeared into the tiny bathroom 10 minutes ago and Jared can still hear the water thundering against the stall. Not sure how long his boyfriend might actually need, he gets up, unlocks the door, hurries over to his own trailer to fetch a book and returns not even two minutes later.  
  
Jared really shouldn't have bothered to fetch the book. Only a couple of minutes and the same number of pages later, Jensen steps out of the bathroom, a huge cloud of steam escaping the small room only to slowly clear away in the warmth of the trailer. There's a towel wrapped around his thin waist and a couple of water drops, dripping from Jensen's wet hair, glisten on the man's bare skin. The scent of  _Cool Waters_ whiffs into Jared's nose and Jensen looks so fucking good and simply delicious that Jared just can't resist. He throws the book into the corner of the small sofa, and, two huge steps later, he's in Jensen's space, tugging his boyfriend towards the couch while stealing a hot and messy kiss from him.  
  
Jensen's skin is hot, damp and soft, smelling deliciously of the shower gel and Jared can't overcome the temptation to let his nose run gently over the muscled chest, pressing a tender kiss here and there while his hands are roaming up and down Jensen's back. He pokes his tongue into Jensen's bellybutton, contemplates a moment whether to go further south or not but decides against it. He's never been a fan of quick fucks, always enjoyed an extensive foreplay and he doesn't want to start with it now. So he moves north again until his forehead gently pokes at Jensen's jaw and the older man takes Jared's head in his hands, leaning down to crush their lips together. Softly, Jensen's thumb slides along Jared's cheekbone until it reaches his temple where it teases the shell of Jared's earlobe.  
  
"Holy shit!!!"  
  
The familiar voice that normally calls "Action" sounds like far away and in the first fraction of a second Jared is sure that he only imagined it but the loud cough and Jensen stiffening under his hands tell him differently.  
  
"Robert!" Jared  exclaims . "We ummm.... Jensen wanted to practice. You know, such scenes are always hard to play and..."  
  
"Sure." Robert cuts him off but luckily he doesn't sound pissed or even shocked and there's a wide grin on his face. "Tell that to your granny."  
  
Both men are blushing deeply and even though Robert doesn't seem to mind what he just stumbled upon, the air prickles with tension.  
  
"Right." Jensen tries to slip on his professional mask, the one he always wears at conventions, even though that's much harder with a towel barely covering his privates. "What do we owe the pleasure?"  
  
"Emmm yeah. Just watched the dailies. We have to re-shoot the last scene. First thing tomorrow morning. Just wanted to let you know."  
  
"Thanks Robert."  
  
"Sure thing. Have a great night. Fun." He grins again.  
  
He's already half outside the door when he turns around. "Guys? Thanks for winning me 50 bucks."  
  
The door closes quietly behind them. Jared and Jensen stare at each other appalled and lost for words, the situation uncomfortable and awkward.  
  
"How. Could. That. Happen?" Jensen is pissed. "I locked the fucking door myself!"  
  
"Please, Jen. Don't freak out." Jared tries to calm his boyfriend.   
  
"How could I not freak out, Jared?!" The older man spits out. "We just got outed! Our director caught us! How can you expect me to be all calm about it?"  
  
"Jen," Jared begs. "Please. Don't. You saw him. He was maybe surprised to catch us red-handed but certainly not surprised that we're together. He suspected it. Otherwise he wouldn't have bet on it. So  _I_ bet, he isn't the only one. And he seems to be cool with it."  
  
"But I'm not cool with it!" Jensen jumps up and the towel slips down, revealing all of the man's beautiful body. Angrily, he snags it off the ground and wraps it around his stomach again. "How did it happen, Jay? I remember locking that door!"  
  
"My fault," Jared confesses, looking guilty. "I fetched a book from my trailer and must have forgotten to lock the door. I'm sorry." Jared really is because as much as he doesn't care about being outed, he sees that Jensen does, that he is close to a heart-attack and is barely holding it together.  
  
"You should be, doofus," Jensen scolds. "Do you know what that means?"  
  
Scrunching up his face, Jared doesn’t answer that question. He has a few ideas, but they are only the worst-case scenario and he dares to say just that. "Listen, Jen. Robert is fine with it. I bet if we ask him, he won't gossip around. And even if everyone knew here on set. They're like family."  
  
Jensen huffs. "Yeah. And we all know how great family sometimes handles things like that."  
  
"Jen, not everyone is like your dad," Jared sighs. "I'm sure they don't care as long as the show does well."  
  
"But that's the problem!" Jensen calls out. "The show won't do well once everyone finds out. You can't be so naive?! We're playing brothers, for God's sake! No one wants to watch a show if the two main cast members are fucking each other!"   
  
"You don't know that! And I'm not talking about telling our fans. We still can keep it a secret, even here on set."  
  
"Come on!" Jensen argues. "You know it won't work. Things like that spread like fire. Robert will tell someone in confidence," he signs the quotation marks, "and that someone will tell someone else and within a couple of hours, everyone will know."   
  
Maybe Jensen is right, Jared has to admit, but he still doesn't really see the problem. It's not like they just signed their own death sentence. "Okay. Maybe you are right. Maybe everyone on set will know. But it's not the end, Jen. Don't you worry about something that hasn't even happened yet. We have a huge fan base. Devoted. They will keep on watching. Hey, a few of them suspect anyways. So, I'm really not too worried."  
  
"Even if they won't, what about my family?"  
  
"Jensen, please. Don't do this. If the word spreads, you can still tell them. It's not like they don't know you're gay. But it doesn't even have to come to that. I'm sure we can still minimize the damage, Jen."  
  
When Jensen doesn’t answer, only looks at his boyfriend beaten and sort of desperate, Jared adds. "I'm sorry that it happened, that I was so careless, I really am. But it doesn't have to be the end of it, Jen."  
  
Jensen's cell vibrates. "That's probably Tom, asking where the fuck we are." He seems relieved that he has a reason to change the subject.  
  
"Call him back. Tell him we'll come later. Let's try to find Robert before we go," Jared suggests, willing to keep the damage as small as possible. "Okay?"  
  
"Okay."

~

They find Robert in his small office where he is buried into the script of the most recent episode.  
  
"Hey Rob," Jensen greets him, poking his head through the gap of the opened door, "got a minute?"  
  
"Sure." He marks the page he's been working on with a pen and turns to the two actors who tentatively enter his office.  
  
"Listen. About before. We're sorry. We know it's unprofessional and it's stupid, screwing around on set. But please..."  
  
"You ask me to keep it a secret," Robert cuts Jensen off, his tone serious, his expression thoughtful.  
  
"Yes." It's Jared who speaks now. "We can't promise to let go of each other because we um," he flushes slightly, "we’ve got it bad. It's far more than just fucking around. But we can be discreet."  


"Yeah. You proved that," Robert says sarcastically. "That's why I caught you in the act. And bet with several crewmen, weeks ago." He sighs. "Guys, I really like you and I really don't care who you fuck but you're far more conspicuous than you think you are."  
  
Jared and Jensen look at each other in confusion and shock. "But, we didn't do anything on set," Jensen stutters.  
  
Robert laughs, shaking his head over how they can be so oblivious. "It's the little things, guys. Like lowering the blinds on your trailers, even now in winter. Or those inconspicuous looks you give each other once in a while. Believe me, those looks alone tell a thousand things. Dirty things." He laughs again. "You're living together, for God 's sake! That alone is weird. You're two grown up, well-paid actors, living together in a house with two dogs!" He shakes his head in disbelief. "And last but not least, you haven't been seen out with girls for ages."   
  
Jared tries to argue but Robert doesn't let him. "Listen, I really don't care who you're with. And I can understand that you don't want anybody to know. Actually, I approve of it. Who knows what will happen when the media finds out. But I have to tell Eric. This show here is his baby and I - and you - owe him the truth. He must know if something happens that could be a possible threat to the show. He deserves that much. And then it's up to him to take appropriate measures."  
  
It's no less than what Jared expected. Even before they stepped into Robert's office, he knew that the director at least has to inform Eric, but that doesn't make it any less uncomfortable.  
  
"Okay," both men say simultaneously, throwing a significant look at each other.  
  
Robert snorts. "Now, go fuck each other or whatever you guys do in your free time."

  
No matter how screwed up the situation is, Jared can't repress a chuckle.  
  
"Thanks Rob. Good Night."

  
They're already out of the door when Robert's yell makes them turn around. "Hey guys. You owe me 50 bucks!"

  
Laughing, Jared takes a hundred dollar out of his wallet and places it onto the table. "Here. Go and buy yourself something pretty."

  
With a last broad grin, he is gone, leaving an amused Robert behind.

~~

"Okay," Eric starts, looking at his two main actors kind of disapprovingly and Jared can't help feeling 14 again, sitting in the headmaster's office and being scolded because of some prank he and his best friend had played. "Don't let us beat around the bush here. Robert told me about you. Normally, I so wouldn't care who you fuck. It's none of my damn business. But, this here," he knocks his hand against the newest script, "is different. Gay actors? Not the best of promotion. Gay actors that are fucking each other while they're playing brothers? Death sentence. Not that there is any proof around because there has never been such a thing but believe me, I don't want to try it out."  
  
Jared dares to throw a quick glance at his better half. Stiff as a board, Jensen is sitting on his chair, looking like he has just eaten a whole lemon. Jared doubts he looks any happier.   
  
"So guys. Here's the deal." He makes a theatrical pause and somehow Jared has the feeling that the deal is not up for negotiations. "Firstly, Jensen's going to move out of your place, Jared. And I don't want to hear any backtalk. I don't mind where you move, Jensen, if it's just around the corner or if Jared follows you and moves into the same apartment complex but I want you to have two separate places. End of story. And if you meet up with the other and stay over night? Fine with me, but be careful, okay?"  
  
Of course Jared wants to contradict because what the fuck but Eric's glance is cold and threatening like an iron blade and so he just nods, looking at Jensen sadly.  
  
"Secondly. You two start dating. Women. I don't care who, but I want to see you hanging out with some pretty chicks. Jensen, go talk to this Danneel gal of yours. She's a beauty and would look really good on your arm. Maybe she doesn't mind bearding one of the hottest actors around. And Jared, you could try to win Sandy back." Jared looks horror-stricken because even though Sandy and him are still in touch, he's quite sure she'd kick his ass if he would beg her for forgiveness and ask her to beard. Hard. "Okay, well, maybe not. Then ask someone else out." He thinks for a while. "How about Genevieve? She seems your type. Not the best actress around and not by far as clever as your boyfriend here but at least she doesn't have a dick. So yes, Genevieve it is."  
  
Now Jared really wants to protest because Jensen moving out to camouflage their relationship, fine. But them needing beards? That's ridiculous.  
  
"Don't Jared. I know it's harsh but the show must go on. Believe me, one day, you will be grateful. It's your job and your career we're talking about here."  
  
His heart heavy with pain, Jared looks over at Jensen. His lower lip is trembling, but Jared can't tell if it is in anger or in humiliation. He doesn't blame him. It's not that he doesn't understand Eric, because he does, to a certain degree, but this is going too far. What gives him the right to interfere with their relationship?  
  
"And last, but not least. Hold yourselves back at cons, for God's sake. The way you're looking at each other is like an open book. Full of adoration and love. Tone it down."  
  
"Eric." Jensen's voice trembles and the simple name is spoken with so much pain and plea that Jared's stomach turns into a knot.  
  
"Jensen," Eric answers, now calmer, more understanding. "I know it's hard. I really do. It's not what I want to do, believe me. What you guys have... it's fucking epic. I mean, how big is the chance? And even before you had this thing going, your friendship... it's what holds the show together, it really does. So, don't you two think that I'm not grateful or impressed or whatever. But what you have between you now can really be a threat to the show and that's just something I can't accept."  
  
"But..." Jared tries to argue but is interrupted by Eric again.  
  
"There's no but. The only but is getting released from your contracts, guys and believe me, you can't afford that. If it's some comfort," Eric adds as he sees the men's faces, "it's not forever. When the show is over, I really couldn’t care less about you two parading your big gay love around. But until then, please, be discreet."  
  
It's uncomfortably quiet in the office. A dozen thoughts and arguments are running through Jared's mind but he just can't bring himself to open his mouth again, too stunned with what Eric expects them to do and he's sure, Jensen feels the same.  
  
"You're dismissed."  
  
The "Merry Christmas" Eric shouts after them as a last friendly and polite thought sounds gloating and Jared honestly doubts that it will be a happy holiday.

**8**

When Jared asks Genevieve out for the first time, he feels like the dirtiest piece of shit. It's just so wrong and every fiber inside him screams not to do it, not to use her like that, but there is no other way, Jared knows that now.  
  
After Eric had given them the telling-off, Jared and Jensen spent hours discussing it. They cursed him more than once, thought about other ways out of the damn situation but in the end, there weren't any. The other possibilities they had - asking for a release from their contracts or splitting up - were unthinkable. So in the end, they decided for "bearding".  
  
Here, Jensen definitely has an edge over Jared because, other than Genevieve, Danneel knows that Jensen is gay and that she is only his beard. They've been friends for a while, Jensen and Danneel, and she doesn't mind to help him out, sees her chance to show off with the beautiful man Jensen is and hopes for the advantages that come with "dating" the star of such a popular show.  
  
Jared, on the other hand, doesn't dare to tell Genevieve how the wind blows, simply because he doesn't trust her enough. He likes her just fine, but that? That's something so personal that he just can't share it with her. And Jared isn’t even sure if Genevieve would agree to something as deceiving as bearding. He isn’t happy with the whole situation, including lying to Genevieve, but he can't think of another way, simply because the truth isn't an option.   
  
So, when Jared asks Genevieve out for dinner, looking into those big brown, hopeful eyes, he really feels horrible. Jensen's big green eyes don't make it any better when he clings onto him afterward, fighting really hard - but luckily successful - to hold back his tears.  
  
"I hate this!" he curses, warm breath huffing against Jensen's neck.

"Yeah, I know, Jay." Jensen gently plays with Jared's mop of hair, running his fingers through the streaks and along his scalp in a soothing gesture. "But we don't have much choice."

Jared knows that, but it doesn’t make him feel better, probably even worse because a part of him knows that there is always a choice and that, if some things are worth riskin g something for, his relationship with Jensen definitely is.

"I felt so dirty. Lying to her... And even worse. It feels like betraying you, Jen!"

The arms that are wrapped around him tug him even tighter. "You’re not betraying me, Jay."

"Jen." Jared sighs, ready to reveal what's going on in his mind. "We should talk about it. It won't stay just this one date. The longer we date, Genevieve will expect me to do stuff... You know, the things you do, when you date. Holding hands. Kissing. And in the end..."

"Hey! Stop it." Jensen tries to reassure his boyfriend although it's something he's already agonized over before "First of all, you aren’t at this point yet. And even if, you can tell her stuff, little white lies. Invent some sexually transmitted disease if you have to."

"Jen!"

"Okay. Maybe not." No matter how serious the situation is, Jensen can't repress a chuckle. "But tell her stuff chicks like. About waiting for the right moment or something. Not being ready for it after Sandy. Or even better, tell her you made a vow not to have sex before marriage."

Now Jared is laughing, too. "Like she will believe me!"

"Don't care." Jensen grins roguishly. "Kiss her if you must but don’t do anything with her I wouldn’t do with Danneel."

"You wouldn’t do anything with Danneel!" Jared exclaims, boxing a fist lightly into Jensen's back.

"Exactly." Jared can only see a little part of Jensen's broad, sassy grin.

"Okay, seriously, Jay. I hate the thought of you kissing and touching someone else. Even if it's for a greater good. But it's necessary, so, it's okay, I think. But please, promise me something." Jensen is now loosening his tight grip around his boyfriend, leaning back enough to see all of Jared's troubled face.

"Anything."

"Tell me everything. Be honest with me about the things that are going on between you and Genevieve. I want to know and I need to know."

Jared understands that wish. If the roles were reversed, Jared would want to know, too.

He doesn’t hesitate to press his lips against his boyfriend's, sealing his promise with a kiss. In a way, he’s sealing their doom.

~~~

A part of Jared hopes that his date with Genevieve will end in a total disaster, but it doesn’t. He hates to admit it, but the woman is charming and funny and although Jared feels bad about it, because he really would have preferred to spend his Friday evening with Jensen, he enjoys the dinner.

He escorts Genevieve to her hotel, says good night with a chaste kiss on her cheek and spends the drive home feeling bad about it without obvious reason. And he can't help to be thankful for the fact that Jensen is already fast asleep when he crawls into bed with him, the piercing stare of his dark green eyes something Jared just couldn’t bear right now.

He manages to hold Genevieve off for three weeks, but then she is asking him out and there really is no reason at hand to say no, so he agrees with a heavy heart.

When they stroll through Stanley Park after dinner, Genevieve takes the initiative, reaches up to pull Jared down and catches his lips in a full kiss. It feels completely different than kissing Jensen but no matter how hard Jared tries to deny it, it leaves a warm feeling inside his belly.

His promise to Jensen in mind, Jared tells his boyfriend the next morning after breakfast.  "We kissed."

"Yeah. I thought you would." Jensen really doesn’t sound surprised, not even mad, but certainly upset.

"She doesn’t mean anything to me, Jen," Jared tries to persuade Jensen, the piece of toast he is chewing suddenly tasting like ash.

"Did you like it?"

He's never lied to Jensen before and he won't start lying to him now. "It was different. But it didn’t feel bad. Not as I thought it might." He bites his lip, looking at his boyfriend apologetically.

Jensen nods and gets up, taking his almost full mug of coffee with him, leaving Jared alone with his troubled mind.

~~

A couple of weeks pass, Jared dating Genevieve more often and Jensen flying to LA twice or thrice to go out with Danneel.

It happens slowly, first without the guys even noticing it. With their heavy schedule, dating their beards and the tiny, but no less unimportant fact that Jared admitted to enjoy kissing Genevieve, their once so strong relationship got a crack that is growing wider with every day they spend apart from each other.

They are still in love, kissing, cuddling, touching and fucking, they still talk, but something is different. It's like both are holding back something, have lost the 100% trust they once had. They seem to watch each other, waiting for the other to take the initiative no matter what it is about and it leads to awkward silences and uncomfortable situations.

It's weird and unknown but they can't turn it off and although it's obvious that Jared feels the same about it as Jensen, he just can't bring it up, simply because he can't see a way out.

They're slowly drifting apart and there is nothing the lovers can do about it.

~~~

Jensen moves out on a Saturday.

They’ve delayed that step as long as possible, only viewed apartments halfheartedly, but in the end, when Eric visited the set and asked Jensen how the house hunting was going, there was no excuse left.

Most of Jensen's belongings are still in the boxes the man stored in Jared's second spare room almost a year ago and so the move is done swifter than both men had asked for. There is barely any furniture, only what Jensen bought when he moved in with Jared and Jensen's new place looks empty and unwelcoming, certainly not like home.

Both are looking at each other uncommonly unsure when the last box is put away in the second bedroom, not really sure where to go from here. Not just right now, in the next minutes, but in the coming weeks and months. They arrived at a crossroads together, already standing there for a while and not sure where the road might lead them to and if they will walk it alone or together.

"So, umm," Jared starts, aware of how awkward he’s sounding. "Want me to stay? Help me make this place a little homey?"

Jensen hesitates. "Nah," he rejects in the end. "Thanks but... I don't know. Somehow, I need to be alone tonight. Please don't be mad."

Jared isn’t. Disappointed, yes, mad, no, sad, definitely. He even expected it and that’s what upsets him the most. That he isn’t even surprised that Jensen doesn’t want his company tonight.

"It's okay, Jen. I'm not mad." Jared smiles a sad little smile. "I'll call you tomorrow. Sleep tight."

"Yeah. You too."

When Jared says goodbye, tears in his eyes, it feels like a farewell, strangely irrevocable.

~

Tossing and turning around in his suddenly too big, too cold and too empty bed, Jared doesn’t find one bit of sleep that night, wondering what the hell had gone so wrong, what he could have done to alter their future, what he could do to save their relationship.

A couple of miles away, Jensen can’t find sleep either, feeling the loneliest he's ever been, pondering the same thoughts.

In the end, both realize with breaking hearts that it's only a question of time until they will break up.

Not because they don't love each other anymore, but because life doesn’t let them.

~~~

Hiatus comes and they try so hard but in the end, they fail.

They spend one week of pure bliss with Jared's folks and it's almost like half a year ago when they were so happy and content. The days are filled with hours spent beneath a huge tree in the Padaleckis’ backyard, talking, kissing and cuddling, the nights with exploring the other all over again, with hours of slow love making the one night or desperate and needy fucks the next.

In the end though, they can't impede what they set in motion once they agreed to Eric's demands.

"Miss this. Miss you," Jared reveals in a moment of weakness, carefully gliding out of Jensen and brushing his lips tenderly over his boyfriend’s back.

He only notices that he is crying when the first tears are slipping down his cheeks, falling onto Jensen's back, mingling with the few drops of perspiration there.

"Hey," Jensen breathes out, turning his head that was almost completely buried in the pillow, enough that he can see his boyfriend. "Come here."

Only now Jared notices that his eyes aren’t the only ones filled with tears.

Strong arms wrap around Jared, pulling him so close, holding on so tight and Jared just clings to Jensen, hoping that the moment never ends, that they can stop the time and stay like that for the rest of eternity.

"It's over, isn’t it, Jen?"

The sniff escaping his boyfriend's throat is enough to tell Jared that Jensen realized it, too.

Jared sobs, revealing with a heavily shaking voice, "I don't want it to end, Jen."

"Me neither, Jay. I'm so happy with you." The smile on Jensen's tear-stained face is sad but full of love and warmth. "But... it's only a farce... We can't keep our relationship alive. As long as we star in that show, we have to go separate ways, at least as lovers." There's so much pain in Jensen´s words, his desperate hold on Jared underlining that.

It hurts so much. Not only losing Jensen, but most of all, being the one who brought it upon him, being the one who ripped his friend's heart apart, who took all his hope in love away.

Jared hates himself for it, no matter how often he tells himself that he didn’t really have a choice, that it was not only his decision but Jensen's as well, agreeing with Eric’s  terms. "I never wanted to, Jen."

Arms still tightly wrapped around Jared, Jensen asks in bewilderment, "What?"

"Hurt you. Be even worse than Martin."

Jensen swallows hard. "You aren’t, Jay. Not a bit. You never fooled me. You gave me so much love. We're in this together. We could have decided differently, could have told Eric to go and screw himself, but we didn’t. Now we both have to live with the consequences."

"But... it was me. I just could have told Gen that I don't really want to date her."

"Yeah, you could have. But you did it for us." Jensen trails a finger over Jared's spine, so gentle and feather-like that it makes the younger man shiver. "For me. To keep our secret."

"It was our doom." Jared sighs, regretting their decision more than anything else in his life.

"No. Our doom, Jay, is the time we're living in and the business we're working in. Our doom, Jay, is what was our greatest gift in life. The show. Without  _Supernatural_ , we would never have met and I really don't want to think about how empty my life would be without." Jensen's smiles behind the tears, showing Jared how much he loves him.

The atmosphere in the room is heavy with their thoughts, their guilt, their desperation, but not really uncomfortable. Jared draws a lot of strength from Jensen's simple but tight hug, from the rise and fall of his chest, his heart beating in the same rhythm as his, his fingers gently brushing over Jared's body.

He looks into his best friend's face only to see that Jensen has closed his eyes, a last tear hanging on one of Jensen's beautiful long eyelashes, glinting like a diamond as a strand of silver moonlight touches Jensen's ethereal face. He seems strangely content. Face and nose are red and puffy but with every breath Jensen takes, he calms down, inhaling a bit of Jared, preserving the feeling of his lover in his memory.

Jared does the same. He draws comforting circles into Jensen's skin, brushes his lips over the familiar frame of his body, breaths in his scent and lets his foot run up and down Jensen's slightly bowed legs. Every breath and touch strengthens Jared's knowledge that, no matter what will happen, he will always love Jensen and that a huge part of him belongs to the green-eyed man who means so much to him.

"What now, Jen?" Jared asks eventually, unsure of what to expect from the future, a future where Jensen will be nothing more than his co-star and his friend again.

"We will always be friends." There is not a hint of doubt in Jensen's promise and Jared knows it is true. No matter what, even though the coming weeks or months might be a bumpy ride, in the end, they will always stay the best of friends.

Smiling into Jensen's chest, Jared presses his lips against his heart. Feeling the steady boom boom boom against his lips, realizing that Jensen's heart still belongs to him, Jared vows that he'll never let Jensen go.

"You're right, Jen."

Jared sighs contently, holds on to the man he still loves so much and lets Jensen cradle him to sleep.

~

Once Jared wakes up the next morning, the space on the mattress next to him cold and empty, he knows, Jensen is gone.

It's only then that Jared does realize that he's never told Jensen how much he loved him. Not once. He'd shown him in gestures, wrapped it in different words but in the end, he has never said "I love you". The one time, years ago, when Jensen was asleep, doesn’t count. Then Jared didn’t even know the meaning of those words, the meaning of love.

Jared cries until his mom finds him, his eyes red and swollen, his throat dry and raw. Not even her soothing words can take the pain away.

"Here honey," Sherri says, handing him a folded note. "Jensen left this on the kitchen table."

Hands shaking heavily, Jared takes it, pressing it against his heart. "Mom," he sobs. "I... What am I going to do now? I love him so much. And I... I never told him."

"Shhh baby." She presses her lips against Jared's forehead. "I know you did. And he knew it, too. He told me."

Wet hazel eyes are looking into Sherri's face questioningly. "Yeah. I probably shouldn’t tell you this, JT. But on Christmas, he told me. That he has never felt so loved and cared for than when being with you and that no matter what, he will always love you back."

Sobbing even harder by Jensen' s touching revelation Jared confides in his mom. "Me too. Always."

She laughs. "Tell, Jensen, not me, darling. And let me tell you something else. Sometimes, our path of life takes unexpected turns and other directions than you want it to. But in the end, baby, everything will be okay."

Jared waits until his mom is gone before he unfolds the note.

_You´ll always be a part of my life._

_I love you,_

_Jen_

A tear is running down Jared's cheek, drips down on the paper and smudges the three letters of Jensen's signature. 

He kisses the moisture away, presses the note against his heart and puts it into his wallet, never to take it out again.


	2. Chapter 9 - Epilogue

**9**

Several weeks pass with almost no contact between the two co-stars apart from a couple of short emails. It's their way of coping, of giving each other the much needed space to leave what happened in the past and make a fresh start.

It isn’t easy, even more difficult than two years ago when Jared found out about Jensen’s feelings and they went separate ways, without knowing if their friendship could really survive the test. Now, at least, that’s something Jared is certain of: Jensen will always be a part of his life. Accepting that it’s over though, that after months of being with Jensen in the most intimate, wonderful way imaginable, Jared has to go back being just friends with Jensen, is the toughest thing Jared ever had to acknowledge.

Their breakup hasn’t changed Jared’s feelings for Jensen one bit. He still loves him, is still in love with him and this devotion, this longing, scares Jared. It isn’t healthy, might devour him from the inside, but it’s an unchangeable fact. The society might not want them to be together, Eric might force them apart, but Jared loving Jensen will never change.

~~

In spite of his unaltered feelings towards his ex-boyfriend, Jared agrees to meet Genevieve when he returns to LA. The reason might be simple and selfish, but with the silence between him and Jensen, Jared is longing for company, for someone he can share his days and nights with, for a bit of distraction. And although Jared doesn’t love Genevieve, he at least cares for her and enjoys being with her.

It ’s on one of their dates when Jared unexpectedly runs into Jensen and Danneel. There’s this new posh French restaurant in Beverly Hills and although Jared isn’t a fan of the French cuisine, he gives in after Genevieve has begged him for several days, booking them one of the few remaining tables.

They’ve just received their menus and Jared skims over the pages when Genevieve, who’s facing the door, startles him with the information that Jensen and his girlfriend have just arrived.

Jared looks up and throws a quick look over to the other side of the restaurant where his friend and Danneel are being lead to their table. The room is only dimly lit and Jared can’t see much of Jensen, a pillar obstructing most of his view, but the one moment is enough for Jared to throw him off course, to realize how much he actually misses his friend and that his feelings really haven’t changed a bit, no matter how often he goes out with Genevieve.

He doesn’t know if it’s the best of ideas but after all those weeks, he just has to go over and talk to Jensen.

"Excuse me, Gen," Jared says politely before he stands up, ignoring her disapproving look.

Jensen notices his friend even before Jared is within earshot. Their eyes lock over the distance and Jared can see all his own emotions mirrored in Jensen’s face, the same realization, the same longing. He can’t tell if it makes him feel better or worse.

"Hey man," Jensen greets him when Jared is finally standing in front of him. He looks good, relaxed with tanned skin and some new freckles on his nose, content, apart from the hint of sadness in Jensen’s eyes.

"Hey Jen" - "Danni." Jared smiles at her and is surprised when he gets a knowing, understanding look back.

"Why don’t you two catch a bit of fresh air," Danneel suggests, "and I will keep Genevieve a bit of company."

"I don’t want to intrude, just wanted to say hi."

"We know that, Jared. But I also know that you two should talk alone. So, don’t worry, that’s fine. I will entertain your girl." She flashes Jared a startling smile and he can’t say no, mouths an almost inaudible thank you and leads the way out to the back, into a garden illuminated with lanterns.

They don’t go too far, just out of sight and earshot, sitting down on one of the few benches, enough space between them that it isn’t conspicuous.

"You look good, Jen."

The older man sighs. "Yeah... You too, Jay."

It’s a little awkward. Both want to say so much, but they can’t. It wouldn’t change their situation anyways, maybe would make it even more difficult for them to accept that they can’t have what they want.

"So, you’re here with Gen." Jensen only talks quietly, aware of the place they are and the risk of being overheard, even though they are the only people within earshot.

"Yeah. We’ve been dating for a while."

"Is it serious?" Jared doesn’t miss the hint of fear in Jensen’s voice and he doesn’t blame him, even though they both can predict what might happen in the long run.

"For her."

Jensen lo oks down at his knees, doesn’t want Jared to see his face, even though it is barely visible anyways.

"Listen Jen. It’s neither the time nor the place to talk about this but whatever happens please believe that it’s not her who is important to me."

"I know," Jensen whispers, chancing a glance at Jared, giving him that private, loving little smile that warms Jared’s heart. "I’m glad that you’re well, Jay. I was worried about you."

"Yeah, me too." Now Jared smiles. "It’s good to see you, real good. Hiatus isn’t the same without your annoying calls and texts."

Smiling, Jensen draws him into a quick hug. "I missed you too, Jay."

He lets go much too soon for Jared’s liking but someone might see them and after all they’ve been going through they certainly don’t want to risk to attract attention with any kind of untypical behavior. There are better places to catch up with each other and celebrate their reunion than here, anyways.

"Jen, I’ve been thinking," Jared announces. "How about you fly up one or two days earlier and we, well, are just, well, friends again. Do you think it will work?"

Jensen smiles genuinely. "We’ll make it work, Jay. And now," he suggests. "Let’s go back inside. I’m sure your girlfriend," it hurts hearing Jensen calling Genevieve this, even though she probably is his girlfriend, "misses you. And will kick my ass for kidnapping you."

"Oh yeah, she will. She’s one jealous gal."

"Rightly so." It isn’t a question.

"Yeah, rightly so." Jared smiles.

~~

The dogs are quicker than Jared, running Jensen over when he steps into the hallway of Jared’s place, showering him not only with their love but most of all with their slobber, tickling Jensen until he guffaws and screams like a little girl.

Amused, Jared watches his best friend being buried beneath his two babies, not intending to help, just enjoying the sight. It’s one he has missed, one he will always miss, but three weeks after their unexpected meeting in LA, Jared is one step closer to accept the unchangeable.

"Jay!" Jensen calls out, voice muffled by Sadie’s body. "Call your beasts away from me."

Laughing, Jared does just that, reaching out a hand to help Jensen up, drawing him right into his embrace. He doesn’t care that his shirt is full of doggy goo, just holds on tight.

"Welcome home."

The warm shine in Jensen’s eyes shows Jared that his friend understands, that Jensen will always be at home where Jared is, always be welcome, no matter if he’s living there or not.

In return, Jared receives a quick peck on his cheek, making him all warm and fuzzy. The simple touch gives him more than anything Genevieve could ever give. Nevertheless, Jared wonders if they should do this and he looks at his friend questioningly.

"What?" Jensen smiles as his hand curls around Jared’s wrist and his thumb presses against his pulse.

Jared blushes. "I’m just not sure if we should do this."

"Kissing?"

"Yeah. And holding hands and um, snuggling."

"We didn’t kiss. We aren’t holding hands. And we haven’t snuggled. Yet." Jensen laughs, seems happy, easy with showing his affection. He doesn’t act, radiates a so far unknown aura that astonishes Jared.

"Who are you and what have you done with my ex-boyfriend?"

Jensen doesn’t answer at once, only gently nudges Jared into his living-room before he heads to the kitchen to return with a couple of beers.

He sits down opposite Jared, takes a deep gulp of his beer, smiles at him and tells his story.

"After our last night together, Jay, I went home to see my family. I told my mom about us." Jensen ignores the surprised, almost shocked gasp. "She kicked my ass for not telling her earlier, I can tell you." He laughs. "She also apologized, for not being more supportive when I was a kid and Dad  found out, really felt bad that I was too scared to tell them now. She told me a lot of things she’d never told me before, a lot of very wise things, actually. One of the things was something I didn’t know. She used to have a High School sweetheart. He died a couple of years ago but before, whenever they’d meet, they were still tender with each other, kissing hello and goodbye, holding hands, hugging, that kind of stuff. It’s not that she admits it but I think she never really fell out of love with him. Anyways, she told me that no matter if we are together or not, when you love someone, you can show it. No one can keep us from showing that we are close. Our breakup could destroy everything, despite the fact that we never wanted it to happen. But I don’t want to destroy what we built up. I want to be your best friend, Jay, want to be a part of your life and no matter whether you marry Genevieve or any other girl, I want you to know that I love you," now Jensen blushes, "and that I’m not afraid of showing it. So please, let me."

"Christo." Jared mutters under his breath but luckily, Jensen’s eyes remain jade.

"What?"

Jared laughs. "Just wanted to make sure that you’re not possessed by some demon. Or Cupid."

"Yeah, I know, it’s weird to say such things. But honestly? We’re well beyond the point of awkward. We fucked each other into oblivion but above all, we shared so much. No one knows me better than you, Jay. I don’t see any reason why we shouldn’t hold hands or cuddle or kiss or even share our beds even though we’re not together anymore."

"Genevieve...," Jared starts because he’s quite sure, she wouldn’t agree.

"I’m not talking about cheating on her, Jay. I’m only talking about well, giving each other what we both need, what neither Gen can give you or Danneel can give me."

"She loves me," Jared declares but even as he says it, he realizes that whatever she gives him, it’s not enough, not what Jensen used to give him.

"Of course she does. She would be stupid not to." Sympathy seeps through each of Jensen’s words. "But she isn’t me."

Jared has to agree. Their names might sound alike when shortened, but that’s one of the few things Genevieve and Jensen have in common. Already feeling his resistance crumble, Jared thinks how good it would be to have Jensen back like that. He misses that part of their relationship even more than sex. Hours huddled together underneath a blanket, watching the stars. Holding hands while watching a movie. A gentle kiss in the morning, just lips against lips.

"So, you want us to continue the platonic part of our relationship?" Jared asks, just to make sure that he really understands what this is all about, scratching his head like the gesture would help him reach a decision.

"Exactly. I’m fed up with the stereotype that men aren’t allowed to show what they feel. Girls hug and kiss all the time. I can tell you, I watched Danni and my sister." Jensen grins broadly." And I’m not talking about doing it in public. Eric would get a heart-attack."

The more Jared thinks about it, the more he likes the idea. He has always been touchy-feely, always preferred to convey his feelings with touches instead of words. Recently, he has really missed this closeness with Jensen and nothing really speaks against it - apart from his manly pride, which he doesn’t care for when he is with Jensen, and the tiny bit of danger that it might lead to something more again.

"Okay," Jared agrees, flashing his best friend a deeply dimpled smile.

"Okay? Really?"

"Yeah. Really. You’re right. Why not? Genevieve doesn’t have to know and it’s not like I’m cheating on her. And everyone's allowed to have their dirty little secret."

"Not dirty. How can love be?"

Jared laughs. "Remember that one time in the kitchen? That was love. And dirty." He wriggles his brow.

"Very dirty," Jensen agrees. "Now, come here already. I miss you."

"Princess", Jared teases his friend, but he stands up, almost stumbling over his huge feet and when Jensen’s arms sneak around him it is almost like it used to be. It isn’t completely the same, the knowledge of being together gone, but their hearts know that they’ll always belong together. And if that makes them the gayest guys on earth, who cares. No one knows but him and Jensen.

"I miss you too, Jen."

They switch the telly on, twine their fingers together and cuddle until they fall asleep.

~~~

"Genevieve wants us to get married," Jared announces as he and Jensen are sitting in Jensen’s apartment, digging into the delicious pasta Jensen prepared for them. It’s one of the rare weekends they can spend together as both of their girlfriends are occupied with something else.

"What do you want, Jay?" Jensen asks, fixing his eyes on his best friend.

The room is dark except for the blue shimmer of the TV and one dim lamp, so Jared can’t read much of his friend’s expression, just sees the white of Jensen’s eyes piercing him. His voice sounds neutral, even a little curious and luckily, not hurt. Which doesn’t mean that Jensen won’t be hurt if Jared really decides to say yes.

Jared sighs. "Honestly, I don’t really want to marry her. It’d feel like, well, cheating on you."

"Oh Jay-" Jensen sighs. "You wouldn’t. What we have... it’d even survive a marriage. Actually, Danni and I have been thinking about it, too."

"What? Marrying?!" Jared calls out in surprise. That’s something he really didn’t expect.

Jensen shrugs. "Yeah."

"Why would she? Isn’t she with Steve?"

"Yeah, but she really profits from being with me. Danneel is a clever girl, Jared. She is nice and all, but she’s ingenious. She takes what she can get. And marrying me definitely is more profitable than marrying Steve. It would be a strategic alliance, beneficial for the both of us. She gets my name and the chance to show off as my wife at cons and events. And I... well, I can make my dad happy and finally can get rid of all the rumors that I’m gay."

"Oh." Jared can’t deny that it is a clever move, although it might be unethical. But he’d never condemn his friend for it. It’s not that he is much better because if he says yes to Genevieve’s suggestion, it won’t be for the right reason, either.

For a while, they concentrate on the movie and their pasta, even though Jared’s thoughts are somewhere else.

"So, you think I should marry Gen?"

Jensen looks at him frankly. "I think you should at least think about it, Jared. Other than me, you’re really dating your girlfriend. It can’t be horrible, otherwise you would have broken it off. So, I at least assume that you like her."

"Yeah. You know I do."

"Right. And the sex with her isn’t too bad either, from what you’ve hinted." Jensen laughs. "She’s nice, pretty, your type, likes your dogs and gets on with your folks. There’s not much that speaks against marrying her, Jay. So, just think about it. No matter what, Jay, don’t worry about us. We will always be good."

"We will." He takes Jensen’s hand, guides it to his lips and presses a gentle kiss against it.

Later, when they fall asleep together, Jared’s palm lightly pressed against Jensen’s heart, Jensen’s hand over his and their fingers intertwined, he makes his decision.

It won’t change a thing. His heart will always belong to Jensen anyways.

~~

Getting married is harder than Jared expects it to be.

It’s only three tiny letters but Jared almost can’t bring himself to say them. Even worse, a huge part of Jared wants to spill the beans, wants to tell the truth about how he loves Jensen, not Genevieve and that he is marrying the wrong co-star here.

But in the end, he doesn’t. In the end, with trembling lips and an aching heart, he takes his vow, aware of Jensen standing by his side, hiding his true feelings behind a devotional mask.

For a moment, their eyes meet. Jensen’s are as moist as Jared’s, as moist as almost everyone’s eyes, though for different reasons. The guests are touched by the emotional ceremony, by the atmosphere of the dream-wedding in white. For Jensen, it’s just hard, watching the man he loves marrying a woman he doesn’t love. Marrying that woman, feeling Jensen’s warm glance in his back, is equally hard for Jared. But when their eyes lock for that one second, they know what Jared already realized when he made his choice: it won’t change a thing.

~~

"So, how does it feel, being a married man?" Jared asks, looking down at his friend whose head is resting in his lap.

Jensen laughs. "Not really different. It’s just bizarre. Spending my wedding-night with my ex-boyfriend, who happens to be the love of my life, while my wife, who is just a beard, spends the night with her lover who is a good friend of mine."

"If you say it like this, Jen," Jared joins in, "it really sounds odd. Like from the worst movie ever. But," Jared gets serious again, "I’m glad we have the chance, being together tonight. It wasn’t any easier, watching you getting married to Danneel than marrying Genevieve. And I can only imagine how hard..."

"Shhh." Jensen reaches out and puts his index on Jared’s lips. "Don’t talk about it. It’s over and done with. We knew what we bargained for when we made our decisions. And yeah, it was hard, watching you marry Gen, but I am sure, it was equally hard for you. I know that you still think that you’re deceiving her."

"In a way, I am, Jen. Not because of this here", he points at the two of them, lying together so intimately, "but because of not loving her enough."

"It’s enough for her, Jay. She never complained, did she? And you’re so good to Gen. You give her what she needs. Believe me, Jay, she’s luckier than many other people. Not to forget that countless girls would kill to be in her shoes. She knows that, knows what a good catch she made."

Thoughtfully, Jared bites on his lower lip. He has always had a bad conscience about using Genevieve and has never seen it like this. But now, as he turns his friend’s words around in his mind, Jared realizes Jensen might be right. He treats her right, fair, with affection. It must have always been enough for her, otherwise she wouldn’t have asked him to get married. It was her idea, not his. So yeah, maybe he should finally shake off his bad conscience.

"You’re right, Jen. I give her everything I can."

"That’s my boy." Jensen grins. "Now come on, let’s go to bed. The night isn’t that long anymore and it’ll be a while before we see each other again. Let’s make the most of it."

A couple of minutes later, when they’re lying curled up together in the dark, Jared breaks the comfortable silence between them.

"We already did."

"Mmm?!

"Make the most of it, Jen. I mean, I know this sounds, well, girly but we are so lucky, almost blessed. One year ago we broke up and now, we are married to nice girls but still, we are..."

"The best of friends, Jay. And even closer than before. We are blessed," Jensen continues.

It’s the quiet moments like this when Jared wishes they still were more, real lovers. But as he brushes his lips against his friend’s forehead, lingering there for a while, he realizes that it doesn’t really matter. They’re the closest they’ve ever been and that’s the most important thing of all.

**Part III**

**In Between**

**10**

"I can't believe it's over," Jared wonders quietly, stepping one step closer to his co-star.  
  
The set is only dimly lit, the cameras and microphones are still standing on the stage and even though it looks like they just wrapped for the day and not for the whole show, a strange atmosphere of finality lingers in the air, like the stage and equipment know they won’t come back.  
  
"Eight Seasons." It's just two words, a couple of letters, but they are pregnant with meaning, hanging between the two actors, expressing so much more than the simple acknowledgment that they shot the show for eight seasons, much more than they believed it ever would be.  
  
Pondering silence is stretching between the two co-stars, both lost in their own thoughts and memories of the past eight years together, of laughter and tears, love and hate, being drawn to each other and drifting apart.  
  
Hesitating for a second but reaching out in the end, Jared takes Jensen's hand in his own and twines their fingers together. It's been a while, a long while, since they've been so close to show their affection like that. But if not today, then never. Tonight, they go their separate ways, not knowing when they'll see each other again.  
  
Jensen seems to think along the same lines, squeezing Jared's hand, not letting go. It's a warm, comfortable weight and a shiver runs through Jared's body as memories are flashing through his mind of what these hands were capable of, of the pleasures and love these fingers gave him. He misses that, the closeness Jensen and him once shared, but sometimes friendships changes and unluckily theirs did.  
  
"Jen... ,I," Jared mutters, not really sure what to say but having the urge to say something, maybe some kind of apology or explanation.  
  
"Don't," Jensen silences him. "Just stand here with me for a while, Jay. We haven't done that for too long."  
  
Jared agrees with a nod, just stares onto the dark set, absorbed in his thoughts. He's only ever experienced the stage buzzing, full of people, talk and yells, brightly lit with the spotlights. The quietness that is hanging over it now strengthens the impression of finality Jared felt before. Sharing this moment with Jensen is good. It makes him feel closer to his co-star than he has felt for a long time and he wants Jensen to know.  
  
His free arm sneaks around Jensen's form and pulls him against his own. For a second, he sees Jensen's face. A light surprise in his eyes, but a sweet, content smile on his lips and when Jensen's own arm wraps around Jared to return the hug, Jared feels like coming home.  
  
"God Jen," he whispers, suddenly feeling his eyes dampen with tears, too emotional to care. "I miss this. Miss you."  
  
"We're good, Jay. We're still friends."  
  
Jared takes in a deep breath, slowly letting it out. Sometimes, he wasn't so sure about it anymore. It just didn't feel like that any longer and it was all his fault. "Are we, Jensen?"  
  
"Sure, doofus. We will always be friends. We were from the beginning, we will be until the end. And I'm not talking about now, but the real end. I know it isn't like it used to be, hasn't been for years but Jay, in the long run... these three years are just a glimpse of an eye. One day, we will laugh about it."  
  
Not sure about that, Jared just shrugs, hoping that Jensen has more to say. In a way, he needs that. The reassurance that it will get better, that eventually, they will get back to where they used to be.  
  
"I know you feel guilty, Jared. But things like that, they sometimes just happen. And maybe, with the situation we were in, it was just bound to happen."  
  
"I could have tried harder."  
  
"Nah. I think you did everything you could. You know, Jared. I don't blame you, for falling in love with your wife. You were living together, slowly but surely spent more time together... it was bound to happen. You made new friends. That's just the way life is, Jay."  
  
"It felt like abandoning you."  
  
Jensen huffs out a dry laugh. "I felt abandoned, at first," he admits. "But I didn't do anything to stop the stone from rolling, Jay. I went to see Danneel more often, because we were comfortable with each other and started to hang out with her buddies and yeah, in the end, the time we spent on set together wasn't enough and what we have now is only mundane, compared to what it used to be."  
  
"Can we get it back, Jen?" Jared's voice is full with hope because yes, he wants to have it back. It's not that he doesn't like Jensen anymore, quite the contrary. He still cares for him a lot and deep down in his heart, he knows, he still loves him.  
  
Silence stretches between the two actors, Jensen not answering the question at once. He really thinks about it, about what happened and about what the future holds for them now the show is over.  
  
"I hope so," Jensen answers genuinely. "I think we have all the chances, although we won't see each other every day anymore. Maybe, especially because we won't see each other so often."  
  
That's an interesting thought and Jared encourages his friend to continue with a raise of his eyebrow. "In the past months, we saw each other every day from Monday till Friday, sometimes even during the weekends. But it was always work and although we spent time together in our trailers, it was, well, you know how it was." Of course Jared knows. Their easy banter suddenly gone, there were awkward silences and only mundane conversations, if at all, because mostly, they just were sitting together to learn their lines. "We simply didn't spend time together anymore because we wanted to. Now though," Jensen smiles up to Jared, a warm glow of hope in his eyes, "when we meet, it will be because we want to. It won't be business or conventions but because we want to see the other and I think that's the best foundation we can wish for."  
  
It makes sense, Jared thinks and just hopes that Jensen is right. Jensen seems to want to strengthen their friendship again and Jared couldn’t be happier about this, getting this second chance after the mistakes he made. And he's ready to take it, starting with it at once.  
  
"So umm, in case your ex-best friend and boyfriend would invite you to go on vacation with him, let’s say to Mexico or something, to give you a new start, would you agree?"  
  
The suggestion causes a broad smile on Jensen's face. "Yeah, I would. I think that's an awesome idea."  
  
Cheering, Jared lets out a little whoop. "Thank you, Jen."  
  
"Nothing to thank me for, Jay." His friend's laugh is bright. Jared has missed hearing that; carefree and relaxed.  
  
Jared smiles, feeling happy, content. It might be the end of the show today but hopefully it's a new beginning for their friendship. "I'll call you, Jen," he says goodbye. "Get home safely and enjoy your time off."  
  
Squeezing him one last time, Jared turns around, heading for the huge door leading out of the stage, the echo of his moving feet whispering through the hall. He doesn't hear Jensen following him. Turning around, he sees his friend quietly moving onto the stage, sitting down on one of the beds, his hand absentmindedly petting over the material of the cover.

Jared has known Jensen for almost a decade and spent the same amount of time getting to know him. Learned to read his feelings from his posture, his expressions, the shimmer in his eyes. From afar and after months of barely being in touch, apart from work, it's hard, but if Jared isn't much mistaken, there is a lot of melancholy and doubt in his attractive face.  
  
Without thinking about it, Jared hurries back to his friend. Jensen looks up questioningly, even surprised and Jared just smiles in return.  
  
"You know Jen, even as I fell in love with Genevieve and everything went down the drain between us because I was a lovesick fool and wanted to make it up to her, I never forgot about you. You were always on my mind and there wasn't one single day when well, you were not a part of me and my life. I know I didn't show it, was the crappiest friend ever, but it never changed."  
  
Sniffing, Jensen nods and swallows hard, fighting to prevent the tears from falling. A tender hand strokes over his cheek, stubble scratching against the soft skin of Jared's fingertips. Smiling, Jared leans down, pressing a sweet little kiss on Jensen's lips, lingering there for a moment.  
  
"Bye Jen. We'll see each other soon."  
  
Before Jensen can awake from the enchantment Jared put him in, the younger man is gone, the cold March night clearing his mind, the wind burning in his eyes like his tears.  


~~~  


It takes more than 10 weeks until the friends see each other again, meeting up at Dallas Airport to fly to Mexico, like Jared has promised. As the idea more or less just came to Jared on that last day on set, there were plans to make and people to talk to. Most of all his wife, who wasn't too happy about Jared going off to Mexico for over a week with a co-star he spent eight years of his life with. They also had to squeeze the vacations into their schedules, Jensen being busy with directing and voice-work, Jared with his guest roles on several TV shows. But in the end, they found a date, Jared booked a luxury hotel and is now waiting for Jensen at Starbucks.  
  
Shades hiding his eyes, Jensen looks like the cool celebrity he is in his fans’ eyes and Jared can't suppress a grin as he takes off his own sunglasses and gets up to welcome Jensen with a short but nevertheless bone-crushing hug.   
  
Jared is shocked to see how tired Jensen looks once he lets go: wrinkles around his eyes deeper and longer than ever before, body almost haggard, the old, worn jeans he’s wearing hanging loosely around  his too thin waist and not even the slight tan hides the pallor around Jensen's nose.  
  
"You look exhausted, Jen," Jared puts his worries into words, because even though that might not be exactly charming, it's the truth. "Are you okay?"   
  
Jensen smiles, but it doesn't quite reach his eyes, isn't completely sincere. "Yeah. Sure. Just a little tired. It's been a long couple of weeks. I'll be fine as soon as I can stretch my limbs, catch a bit of sun and get three decent meals a day. The hotel is all inclusive, isn't it?"  
  
"Sure." Jared laughs, grateful that he has a reason to overplay his concern because in eight years, he has never seen Jensen looking as shattered as now. "You know me, I'm a bottomless pit. If I can get food 24 hours a day, I take the offer."  
  
"Some things never change." Jensen joins the laughter and a glance to his watch later, Jared noticing it's one he gave him years ago, he announces, "Let's go. We wouldn't want to miss boarding time."  


~~  


They share a luxurious apartment with two bedrooms, two baths, a living-room with kitchenette and their own small pool, only a few yards away from the beach. Usually they order their breakfast and lunch by room service and only leave their small, private heaven for dinner in one of the countless restaurants in the hotel complex or the nearest small town. It's quiet and peaceful and everything you wish for when you look for relaxation.  
  
Concerned about Jensen's well being, Jared finds himself watching his friend more closely in the first days of their vacation, makes sure that he eats enough, that he gets a massage once a day at the spa and that he doesn't bury himself in scripts and stuff but spends the time with him outside, in the pool or the ocean.  
  
The first time he sees Jensen just in boxers, belly sunken in and rips sticking out, he gasps in shock, unsure what to say or do, not sure if it is his place at all. He shakes the feeling off, the croissant on his plate suddenly very interesting, waiting for Jensen to say anything, to offer an explanation about what's going on. He doesn't.  
  
Hours later, when they're sitting on the loungers at their small pool, Jared wordlessly draws his friend into his arms and just holds on tight. It gives him the creeps, feeling every fine bone through Jensen's waxen skin but he doesn't let go, conveys everything he feels with that touch.  
  
"What was that for?" Jensen asks when Jared loosens his grip eventually, brushing his lips over Jensen's haggard cheek.  
  
"To make you feel better."  
  
"I already do."  
  
Jared wishes he could believe it.  


~~  


They're halfway through their vacation, having already gone a good way to being real friends again, when Jared finally dares to question Jensen about his personal life, something he had wanted to know for a while, more or less ever since the men stopped sharing intimate things like that.  
  
"Jen?"  
  
His friend looks up from the magazine he's reading, shades hiding his eyes, something which always makes Jared a little uneasy because he is used to read so much from Jensen's look and just can't now.  
  
Grinning, like he could hear what the younger man wants, he closes the mag, looking over to where Jared is sitting. "What do you want to know?"

"Am I so obvious?" Jared laughs.

"Oh yeah. Captain Obvious is your middle name. So, shoot, what's going on in that crazy head of yours?"

"It's personal."

"Surprise," Jensen informs him sarcastically, obviously not surprised in the least. "It has never bothered you before, Jay. Why now?"

Jared shrugs. "Maybe because well, we haven't exactly been soul-sharing lately."

"Don't start with this again, Jay. It's okay. Over and done with. You don't need to apologize for choosing your wife over me. We both drew back from each other but you said it yourself, deep down, we never stopped being close. So, let it be and just ask what you want to know."

Eyes glowing with gratitude, smile lighting up Jared's face, he does just that. "I was just wondering what the future holds for you, relationship wise. When you got married to Danneel, I was sure that you'd divorce her as soon as the show was over."

The older man doesn't seem surprised or pestered by the question and answers openly. "We talked about this, Danni and I, a while ago. We aren't in love but honestly, she is a good wife, as good as any beard can be." Jensen laughs. "We still profit from the pact so we decided, for the time being, to stay together. And," he adds, "before you bite your lip bloody, thinking about how you can ask me what you're surely dying to know," Jensen smirks mischievously, "I'm with no one. I'm not sure if I should even tell you, Jay, because that's definitely not good for your ego but after you I ummm," he shrugs, blushing a little, "there simply is no one like you."

Jared doesn't know what to say. He still remembers their words of forever love but he has never thought that  Jensen is still so devoted to him. Suddenly and very unexpectedly this special feeling he has always associated with Jensen is back, prickling not only in his belly but in his whole body and in that one moment, h e is tempted to throw everything away, just to be with Jensen like this again.

He doesn't. Their love may still be alive, but it lies in the past and Genevieve... she deserves better than being cheated on. Jared hasn't even done it while he and Jensen were still real close and now he wants to do it less than ever.

As if Jensen could sense his uncomfortable feeling, he changes the subject, away from him, towards Jared. "Talking about this, Jay. How are you and Gen doing?"

"Good. Really good. Well, at least, mostly," Jared admits.

"Mostly?"

"Yeah, she tends to be jealous. She wasn't too happy when I told her I'd go on vacation with you, Jen. It's weird because, when we were newlyweds, and well, there actually was a reason for jealousy, she wasn't, and now, as I love her, she is."

"Women!" Jensen laughs. "But don't worry, she will manage. She can't expect you to spend all your time with her. You need a social life, man!"

"That's what I told her, too. But there’s something else, maybe that's why she clings so much."

Jensen doesn't ask, just looks at his friend attentively, and so Jared keeps on talking. "She wants to try for a baby. Actually, she already is. But she hasn't conceived yet."

"That sucks man, I'm really sorry. How long have you tried?"

"Couple of months, very much regularly." Now Jared is even blushing. "That's why she hardly left Vancouver in the end."

If Jared had told any other of his friend's, he'd have received a mocking reply and wriggled brows in return. Not with Jensen. He sees that it's a burden on Jared's mind which means it is important enough to treat it as the serious subject it is.

"Things like this take time, Jay." There's warmth and understanding in Jensen's voice. "My sister also tried for a while."

Jared nods. "Tell that to Gen. I've told her before but honestly, it's getting dramatic. Every month she's getting her period again she's a mess."

"How are you coping?" Jared doesn't miss the hint of concern in Jensen's tone.

"Much better. I'm sorry for her but honestly, my heart doesn't hang on it. Things like this, you can't force them. You can't play God."

"I hope it works out for you, Jay," Jensen says sincerely. "You'd be a great dad."

"Thank you," Jared whispers, glad that he could share this with his friend and that Jensen was there to listen.

~~

"Last night, what are we going to do?" Towel wrapped around his waist, Jared steps out of his bedroom and into the living area where Jensen is listlessly zapping through the channels.

"How about going to this club in town? What's it called? Something with Snake?"

"Yeah. _Silver Snake_ it is I think. The two guys on the table next to ours talked about it. Sounds good."

"Great! So, move your ass and throw on some clothes!" Jensen laughs, looking younger and healthier than in the past days.

Jared joins in, rushing back to his room and dresses quickly. Ten minutes later, they're on their way.

~

The club is big, with two da nce floors, several chilling areas and two huge bars and even though it's in the middle of the week, it is crowded with tourists. Leading the way, Jared steers them towards one of the chilling zones, deftly weaving through the moving crowd that reminds him of an ocean full of people, jumping up and down like the waves that whip against the rocks. Finally arriving in the cozy area, dimly lit and arranged with groups of sofas, separated with shiny silver curtains, Jared snatches the last free armchairs while Jensen disappears on the hunt for drinks.

When he returns, he has a bottle of Jack under his right arm, two bottles of beer under his left and the glasses for the Whiskey in his hands.

"Well done." Jared is grinning, seeing that they're well equipped with booze for the time being.

The corner is almost remote and the music from the dance-floor is thankfully only a comfortable rhythmic sound in the background, giving them the chance to talk normally, without screaming. The beers are gone within mere minutes and three shots later, Jensen's natural tension is slowly draining away.

"Let's dance!" Jensen jumps up and, without waiting for Jared's reply who actually doesn't want to make a fool of himself and would prefer watching, and not dance himself, the older man grabs his friend's wrist, tugging him to the dance-floor.

Moving almost gracefully, his whole body in tune with the music, Jensen dances through the crowd, attracting the attention of male and female likewise. Hands on Jared's hips, he only has eyes for his friend, though. 

The dance-floor is full, there isn't much space to move and so, again and again, Jensen bumps into Jared. Thighs sliding together, crotches rubbing against one another, it's the dirtiest and most thrilling Jared has danced for a very long time. 

The music is deafening but when he leans down, he can hear his friend's heated breathing and aroused moans. Jensen looks hot, face all flushed and skin all sweaty, drops of perspiration glistening on his neck. He laughs out loud, throwing his head back and Jared wants to reach out, wants to lick the moisture from Jensen's long throat, wants to catch those rosy lips with his own, sucking on them like there is no tomorrow.

He's only inches away, his cock waking in interest when he suddenly remembers. Genevieve.

"Shit!" Jared calls out, taking his arms from Jensen's hips like the touch suddenly burns him and flees to the closest bathroom.

Jensen doesn't follow him and Jared is grateful for it. He couldn't face him right now. Not when he was just one tiny step away from cheating on his wife, not when a huge part of him still wants nothing else than just that. Crowding Jensen, roaming his hands up and down Jensen's heated body, fucking him senseless, like they used to do so many years ago.

Breathing hard, he feels his cock growing even harder, blood rushing down with the simple imagination of Jensen writhing beneath him, pleading to feel Jared inside him. Too far gone, Jared locks himself in the furthest cubicle, grateful that they're little rooms themselves, that no one can hear his needy moans as his right hand takes care of his painfully hard erection, coming like a teenager, slashing loads over his hand and heavily moving stomach.

The things Jensen still does to him, even after all those years... Jared swallows hard, wiping the come away with toilet paper before he steps out to the wash basins, the bathroom luckily empty. He thoroughly washes his hand and splashes some ice-cold water into his face. It looks uncommonly pale in the artificial, too white light and the eyes staring back at him seem bigger and darker, full of longing but also of shame and doubt.

Once Jared returns to their co zy seats, he feels a little better. Jack is a welcome, warm friend in his belly, the armchair a perfect place for his slightly weak knees and best of all, Jensen is still gone, hopefully dancing all the stress away. If that's what his friend needs, Jared won't complain and most of all he is actually glad that he doesn't have to face Jensen right now, not sure how he might react.

Three lonely shots and twice as many pick-up lines later, Jared actually misses his friend so he gets up and walks over to where the relaxation zone leads to the dance-floor. His height coming in handy, Jared lets his eyes sweep over the ocean of shaking bodies until he finally spots Jensen, only a few yards away from where Jared stands.

He's dancing with a young dark-haired stranger, face tanned and body muscled, confident in his moves and his impact on Jensen. He flirts heavily with Jensen, moving in the same rhythm as him, up and down, to and fro, touching here and there, laughing.

Jensen doesn’t seem to mind, far from it. He places his hands possessively on the man's shoulders, laughing heartily, rubbing his body against the other guy's in tantalizing movements.

A pang of jealousy and anger suddenly hits Jared, awaking a roaring beast in him. This beast wants to lunge at the two men. It wants to rip the stranger into tiny little pieces for seducing his friend but it also wants to roar at Jensen, for playing with him. Not even an hour ago, it was him Jensen danced like that with, him Jensen looked at with those hungry eyes and touched with those greedy hands.

Of course, Jared knows he has  no right, no right at all, neither for being jealous, nor for being mad. It was him, not Jensen, who let their friendship slip away years ago, falling in love with the girl he married. And it was Jared, not Jensen, who chickened out, who decided that he just can't cheat on his wife, no matter how tempting it might be, having just one more night with Jensen again.

So he buries the beast where it came from, deep in his inner self, for the sake of their friendship, although Jared can't bury his jealousy and the wish that it were him Jensen would still dance with, not that hot, perfect young man who devours his best friend with his eyes and can barely keep from drooling. Throwing one last glance at Jensen, Jared turns around, heads for their little refuge and drowns his confusion with Jack, his best friend for the night.

"Jared!" Jensen calls as soon as he is within earshot. "Meet Sergio. He's from Italy."

"Hey," Jared slurs, stumbling over the simple word. "Listen Jen. You have fun with Sergio. I’ll go home."

Jared might be totally wasted and his view might already be blurred, but he can still track the decision-making on Jensen’s face. On one hand, he's having a great time and the chance of getting laid. On the other hand, there is his friend, totally wasted. Jensen is torn between his fun and his duty as a friend but in the end he shrugs and offers to escort Jared home.

"Nah. Don't want you to. You have fun with that guy."

Without waiting for Jensen's reply, he heaves himself out of the armchair, grabs his wallet and attempts to find his way to the exit. Suddenly though, the world starts spinning, round and round and he might be flying or falling, Jared can't tell, until two strong hands wrap around his upper arms, leading him out. It's easier when he keeps his eyes shut, so he does just that, lets himself be guided into the warm, humid night.

"It's okay," Jared claims. "Go back inside, Jen. Have fun with him."

Once more, Jensen protests. "Nah. Can't have fun when I have to fear that you choke on your own vomit."

"You're worried. Sweet," Jared deadpans. "But it's fine. It's only me, doesn't matter much. Throw me in the next cab and get your fuck, Jen. He's hot for you. You're hot for him."

The older man's expression is unreadable. If he is shocked or maybe even angry with Jared's words, he doesn't show it, knows well enough that his friend is totally wasted and not really sane right now.

"Okay. Go home alone. But I'll kill you if you drown in your puke."

Jared will never remember how he even arrived there, will never know that Jensen paid the cab driver well to lead him to their door and unlock it for him, but eventually, the drunken man stumbles into their apartment, almost crawling to his bedroom and falling onto the bed, half dead. He's sick and dizzier than ever before, but Jared's surviving brain cells tell him that he should drink some water and take some meds and so he does just that, before he is falling asleep.

~

A cool, moist washcloth being tenderly pressed against his forehead wakes Jared up from an uneasy sleep filled with dizzying dreams. Jared opens his eyes, only to shut them again as his view is distorted, spinning in his mind. But then he feels bile rising and he struggles to get up, dizziness washing over him in strong waves. The hand that pressed the washcloth against his face is now curled around his arms, almost dragging him into the bathroom and Jared makes it to the toilet in the last second before he is sick like he hasn't been in a long time.

There's a gentle hand holding his hair back and another that is drawing soothing circles onto his back which actually helps a little. Eyes still closed, Jared feels those hands stripping him off, tugging him tenderly under the shower where cool but not ice-cold water is slowly helping him to sober up a little.

The thunder of the water is a calming sound and it deafens almost everything in the haze of Jared's drunkenness, enough that he almost doesn't hear Jensen's moan.

"No please, not now," Jensen mumbles and then there are no words at all, just jerky breathing that really doesn't sound good.

Jared forces himself to open his eyes and turn off the shower. Standing naked in the stall, looking literally crestfallen, it takes him a while to take in what his aching eyes see. His friend is lying on the bathroom floor, limbs shaking heavily and uncontrollably. There's a bit of saliva drooling from one corner of Jensen's mouth but his hands are shaking too badly to wipe it away. His eyes are full with humiliation and he closes them, not wanting to see the disgust on his friend's face.

Still numb and dizzy, Jared feels unbelievably helpless, watching his friend's seizure - for lack of a better word - without any chance to help. Too sick himself, he just stands there, watching in horror how his friend's normally controlled limbs suddenly take a life of their own, jerking heavily as more spittle is drooling from Jensen's slightly opened lips. Everything inside Jared screams to do something, to move, no matter how, to the bedroom and call 911, but the tiniest movement turns his world upside down again and all he can do is to carefully step out of the shower stall, sitting down and moving himself to where Jensen is still shaking.

Suddenly, as unexpectedly as it started, it's over. Jensen is breathing heavily, not daring to move the limbs that just were so uncooperative.

"Jen?" Jensen's name hangs between them, spoken with so much concern that the older man dares to open his eyes. "What was that?" The words escape Jared's lips only with a lot of effort but he feels himself slowly sobering up. Maybe the shower helped or maybe it is the adrenaline now pumping through his veins. "Did you take something?" They both know how to enjoy themselves, having tried a variety of drugs in the course of their career, especially when they were younger and more stupid, but they never really used them.

"No." It's only a whisper.

"Did someone give you something, Jen? Without you knowing?"

"It's okay, Jay. Happened before."

"Didn’t look okay. Let me call an ambulance, let you get checked, okay?"

"No!" Jensen sounds panicked now. "I'm fine. It's nothing. Just help me up and to bed, okay?" He looks so pleading that Jared can't resist, against better judgment.

"Okay. Just give me a little time. I'm still not too well."

Carefully, Jared gets up and only now notices the remains of the saliva on his friend's jaw and the spot of wetness on his shirt. Once his friend notices that he’s looking at him, he closes his eyes in shame and humiliation. 

"It's okay, Jen. Nothing to worry about," Jared assures his friend as he carefully moves towards the washbasin, takes a fresh towel and wets it with warm water before he kneels down again to gently wipe Jensen's face with it. His stomach is still in an uproar, bile rising up again but Jared forces it down, just concentrates on his task. "Get your clothes off, Jen", he tells him and when Jensen is standing in front of him with only his boxers, a hickey on his throat telling about his friend's nightly success, he leads them over to his bedroom.

Tugging fresh underwear out of his already packed suitcase, Jared joins Jensen in bed, and even though he is still horribly worried about his friend, he falls asleep at once.

~

The annoyingly loud ringing of his cell wakes Jared up and he feels like his head only hit the pillow a minute, not several hours ago. His mouth tastes like something crawled in there and died and a dull ache is knocking against his head, worsening the unwelcome waking even more. Moaning, Jared turns enough to stretch out his hand to switch his cell off and it almost slips out of his slightly trembling hand.  
  
Taking slow, coordinated breaths, he beds his head carefully on the pillow, daring a glance towards Jensen. His friend is still dead to the world, not even having stirred when the phone announced that it was time to wake up. The events of the past night have obviously taken their toll, the seizure having drained Jensen of his strength, his body now needing the rest. 

What happened still gives Jared the creeps. Not only seeing his friend losing control over his body like that but most of all his own helplessness, that he just stood there and watched in horror as Jensen's limbs jerked like a fish on land.  
  
At the least it will be uncomfortable to bring it up because Jensen is one stubborn bastard and will deny that it w as anything worth mentioning, but Jared doesn't care. Seeing your friend jerk in a fit that lasted several minutes is something Jared just can't ignore. He will have that conversation and if it's the last thing he's doing. Though not right away. Right now, Jensen is sleeping too peacefully for Jared to dare and wake him up and Jared is still too wasted for such a serious subject anyway.  
  
Instead of talking to Jensen he therefore drags himself over to the bathroom, brushes his teeth for several minutes before he is taking a long, revitalizing shower. 

Once he steps out of the bathroom, he moves over to the living area and orders the hugest pot of coffee he can get and a light breakfast. Jared isn't hungry, far from it, his stomach still gurgling, but if he wants to survive the next few hours and their flight back home, he needs something in his belly.  
  
He glances at his watch. They only have to be at the airport in a couple of hours, so he can let Jensen sleep for a little longer. 

Feeling a little better now that his stomach is filled with strong coffee and buttered toast, Jared moves out onto the patio, sitting down in the shade. 

The soft swoosh of the ocean in the background lulls Jared back to sleep.  
  
"Morning."  
  
Jared jerks awake, for a moment horrified that he might have overslept and missed their flight.  
  
"Don't worry man," Jensen explains. "We still have a little time. You better?"  
  
"Yeah, but actually, I should be the one asking you that. You freaked the hell out of me, Jen."  
  
A shadow darkens Jensen's features for a moment, but it is gone so soon that Jared, whose mind is still a little hazy, is not even sure if it really had been there. "I'm okay, dude. Nothing to worry about."  
  
The look in Jared's face is punishing. "I don't buy that shit, Jen. You might be okay now but you weren't last night. You had no control over your body, man, for over one minute. For me that's enough to worry about."  
  
Jensen sighs in denial. "Let it be, Jay. Really. I'm fine."  
  
"No!" Jared calls out frustrated and even feels his eyes moistening with tears. "You can't be fine. It was scary as hell, Jensen! I'm worried sick about you!!" One tear escapes, trailing down Jared's face and probably it's what makes Jensen come closer, sitting down on the side of his friend's lounger, gently brushing the tear away with his index finger.  
  
"Are you sick, Jen? The weight loss and now that... Am I... Are you?"  
  
"Hey." Jensen laughs but there is not much humor in it. "I'm not dying here, okay? And for all I know, I'm not sick. Don't think you can get rid of me so easily, man. You're stuck with me forever. Remember all that Part of my Life rubbish? I mean it."  
  
Jensen's words send a flood of relief over Jared but he isn't satisfied yet, can't let go. "But... it can't be normal. And you had it before... You... God Jen? What if you're sick?"  
  
"I really appreciate your concern, Jay, but.. it's okay. It's true, I had it before but it's okay. Nothing to worry about. It runs in the family." Jared doesn't reply, so the older man goes on. "My great-grandma had it, my grandma and my aunt. And the weight loss really has nothing to do with it, Jay. It was just the stress, there were days when I simply forgot to eat."  
  
"But... they're all dead, aren't they? Your aunt and grandma and..." Jared doesn't know why he's making such a scene, crying over something that is probably nothing, but he's never seen anything so scaring in his whole life and he is so worried about his friend, about losing Jensen. He just can't, still loves him so much it hurts, like right now.  
  
"Of course my great-grandma is dead, Jay," Jensen deadpans and ruffles Jared hair. "If it eases your mind, she died in a fire at the ranch. My aunt had a car accident and my grandma... okay, I admit that I don't know much about the circumstances of her death but I'm sure Jay, it had nothing to do with it. Don't be so worried, Jay. I'm not going to die today or any time soon, I promise."  
  
As much as Jared wants to believe it, he knows that this is one of the few things you can't influence and even as Jensen pulls him towards his chest and holds him for a while, the fear doesn't completely go away, leaving a part in Jared scared for his friend.

**11**

"Happy New Year!" Jared calls the moment Jensen is within earshot, bouncing towards him and pulling him into a gushy embrace.

Laughing heartily, Jensen returns the hug. "Good to see you too, buddy. But you know, it means bad luck if you wish someone a Happy New Year before midnight," he deadpans.

"You just made this up, dude." Jared smiles broadly. "And it is after midnight somewhere else in the world, so that counts for me."

Hands still resting lightly on Jensen's hipbones, Jared steps back, peering up and down his friend's body that filled out a little since their time in Mexico. The jeans the older man is wearing hang low around thin but not too skinny hips and the black tee hugs Jensen's body in all the right places, muscles clearly defined beneath the cloth.

"Like what you see, Jay?" Jensen whispers, so that Genevieve, who's talking to Danneel, doesn't hear, doesn't notice the seducing tone of Jensen's words. 

Sexual tension sparkling between them, Jared smirks, breathing out, equally tempting, "Oh yeah," before he falls back into the common tone of conversation. "You're looking real good Jen."

"I am good, Jay. It helped not working for a while, going home, away from LA. I shouldn't have hurled myself in work so quick after the show finale, that was just too much. Now I'm relaxed, can't wait to start working on new projects. Eric wants me to direct an episode of his new show," Jensen reveals proudly.

They fall into easy conversation, not only talking about their upcoming projects but about all the other things that happened in the past weeks since they last saw each other.

"Jared," Genevieve disturbs the friends after what seems only a couple of minutes. "I'm bored," she pouts.

"Honey, we've barely been here for half an hour."

"It's one, actually," she corrects his husband, look disapproving, lips pouting.

"I'm s orry, Genevieve", Jensen says exaggeratedly polite, "for stealing your beloved husband." Jared has to repress a chuckle, sure that he is the only one who hears the hint of sarcasm in Jensen’s voice. "And that my party isn't to your liking. What can I do to make you feel better?"

"Well, maybe start with not talking to my husband for so long," she bitches.

Jared draws in a sharp breath, throwing an apologetic look at his friend and gets up before Genevieve can make a scene.  He tugs her over, into the scarcely used dining room where the tables are laden with the delicious food from the caterer. Luckily, it's empty. It isn't a huge party, just Jensen, Danneel, some of their family and friends, not more than three dozen people. Everyone already seems to be outside on the patio, watching the first too early fireworks, even though midnight is still ten minutes away.

"What the fuck!" Jared calls the moment they step into the room. "Don't you talk to my best friend like that! You're his guest!"

"I talk to Jensen the way I want to, Jared! I'm so fed up with having to share you with him!"

"You didn't just say that, did you?"

"Oh yeah, I did! He had you for eight fucking years! It always was Jensen this and Jensen that. I'm so sick of it!" She stomps her tiny feet onto the ground, squinting her face into a furious mask. It looks ridiculous, not daunting.

"Don't be ov er-dramatic, Gen!" Jared exclaims, throwing his hands in the air in frustration. "I haven't seen Jensen for almost eight weeks. Like you detected so nicely, we worked together for almost eight years. Do you really expect me to not keep in touch? Don't behave like such a bitch!"

"Me? A bitch?! You asshole, Jared! I just want to spend time with my fucking husband. That isn't too much to ask for."

"No, it's not. But you should also respect that your fucking husband doesn't want to spend 24/7 hours with his damn wife! I have a job. And it pays for all your luxury clothes and jewelry and horses and what the fuck else while you, well, do nothing apart from moping."

Genevieve gasps in shock. "Moping? Oh I'm so sorry Jared that I'm not handling it too well that we still don't have a baby and that you refuse to go see a doctor and try everything."

"Of course you have to bring it up again, Gen," Jared huffs. "I told you a dozen times, I will tell you a dozen more times until it gets into that obviously too tiny brain of yours. It isn't the end of the world, Gen! There really are much worse things than you not getting pregnant. And I won't go to see a fucking doctor. We shouldn't play God!!"

Jared knows he is harsh, more than that. But he is so fed up with her jealousy, with her moods and her self-pitying and bringing it up tonight is something Jared really can't forgive her. He had been looking forward to seeing Jensen again for ages and now the woman is throwing her biggest tantrum ever and he is losing his countenance in his best friend's house.

"You know what, Jared? I have enough." Furiously, she tugs at her wedding band, throwing it against his chest. "We're done. You'll hear from my lawyer. Have a bad New Year and an even worse life."

She storms out of the room, banging the door behind her. It isn't even midnight yet. It didn’t even take Jared five minutes to destroy almost four years of marriage.

Drained, Jared sits down on one of the chairs, stringed together against the wall, burying his face in his hands, pressing the heels of his hands against his eye sockets until his eyes ache and burn with tears. He hears Jensen's guests counting down the few remaining seconds to midnight but Jared doesn’t feel like joining them, doesn’t feel like celebrating. He had hoped for many things in 2014, but a divorce had not been among them.

~

A hand gently touching his shoulder reminds Jared of where he is. He was so lost in thoughts that the cheering calls of "Happy New Year" and the fizzling sounds of fireworks being shot up into the sky, exploding there in colorful sparks, was merely a buzz in the background.

"Jay? You okay ?" It's probably the most stupid thing Jensen has ever asked because it is obvious that he is not okay but Jared nevertheless appreciates his friend's concern.

"You shouldn’t be here, but outside, celebrating with your wife and friends," Jared says flatly.

Jensen takes some steps forward, sitting down on the chair next to Jared. "There's nowhere else I'd rather be than right here."

It's just a couple of words, but said so genuinely that they not only lure a little smile on Jared's ashen face but give him a bit of warmth back. "You heard what happened?"

"Yeah. It was hard to miss. I'm sorry, man."

"Does everyone know?"

"Almost. But don't worry, no one will gossip it around. Is there anything I can do? Anything you need? Company? Someone to talk to? A hug?"

"It all sounds good."

Satisfied with Jared's reaction, Jensen draws his friend towards his chest and enfolds him in his arms. There are no words to make it better, so Jensen just holds on to Jared, promising his support with tender touches instead.

Eventually, Jared lets go. There are unshed tears in the younger man's eyes and he looks disheartened.

"I don't know what to say, Jay. I feel kind of guilty for what happened."

"You heard what she said?"

Jensen nods.

"Sorry about that. But Gen, she hasn't been herself for a while. Grief devoured her. Maybe I shouldn't have been so stubborn about not seeing a doctor who could help us." Jared shrugs.

"I hope you don't mind me saying this," Jensen looks unsure, "but maybe umm, she just wants this kid to bind you to her? Maybe something happened that made her believe that she might risk to lose you. It'd also explain her exaggerated jealousy."

It's an interesting thought though not a nice one so maybe that's why it never occurred to Jared. "Na, don't think so. She's been trying for over a year. And there was no one, no one but..."

"Me."

"Yeah but..."

"Listen Jay, I’m not saying I'm right. But isn't it a bit weird that she is absolutely fine with us being work buddies, while, well, we aren't exactly close and then, the show ends and we work on our relationship and go on a trip together and she freaks out about you seeing me."

"But you aren't a threat to her!"

Jensen chuckles dryly. "Really?"

"Shit!" Jared shouts out. "She can't know, can she?! How could she?"

"Hey man, calm down. She has eyes in her head. And ears. And she isn't completely stupid. I doubt that she knows about us having been together but everything else. It was always obvious, especially to someone who knows the two of us, and now, well, she probably sees it again. She's afraid of losing you. And you know, Jay, I might not agree with Gen on many things but this one, I understand. I really can't blame her."

"So, what should I do now?"

Jensen sighs and finds himself torn between helping his friend and helping himself. "Honestly? I'd love to tell you to let her go because well, maybe then something else could happen again. But I know you still love her. And I really don't want to be the reason that destroys your marriage."

"You aren’t!" Jared tries to argue, but Jensen ignores it and continues talking.

"So, I think, you should go and find her. Talk to her. If it means that we won't be able to see each other for a while, that's well, not fine, because it would suck, but if it's for a greater good and your happiness, then I'll happily back out for a while, man. Our friendship will survive it like it survived everything else."

Jared sniffs pathetically. He realizes he’s behaving like a girl but he really doesn’t want to do without his best friend, especially now that he has only found him again and the worry that Jensen migh t be sick is still a preying feeling at the back of his mind. But he still loves his wife and he doesn’t want his marriage to end like this. It's ugly. "I don't want to lose you, Jen."

"I know and you won't. I said it before, I'll say it again, even shout it from the roof tops if it makes you feel better: we'll always be friends. You know that."

"Yeah. From the beginning."

The smile on Jensen's face is beautiful. "Like me. So, go on and win your girl’s heart back."

"Thank you, Jen," Jared whispers as he wraps his arms around Jensen, trying to ignore the fear that it feels strangely final, like it were the last time that he's holding Jensen like that.

"We'll see each other, Jay, I promise. You just go now."

"Take care, Jen." For a moment, Jared presses his lips against Jensen's, then he is gone, not daring to look back. If he had seen the devastated face of his best friend, wondering like him if they really would see each other again, Jared would never have left Jensen behind.

~~

Except from the blue-ish shimmer of light his laptop diffuses, the room is completely dark. And quiet. It only fortifies Jared feeling lonely, like he is the only living being in this world. He had to sneak out of the room with his sleeping wife in it to steal himself a little time and write Jensen an email.

It's not that Genevieve forbade Jared to get in touch with his friend, but she made it pretty clear that she’s only taking Jared back under her conditions and that Jensen isn’t exactly her favorite person at the moment. Jared told her that he will never cut all ties with Jensen, that the man is much too important to him. In the end, Genevieve accepted it, but nevertheless, she wouldn’t be too happy if she knew about Jared sending him a message.

_Jen,_

_Gen and I talked and made up. We both want to give it a chance._

_She wants me to take a break and I agreed. Don't know if it will really help but it's worth a try. We're leaving LA, go to Europe in a couple of days._

_Can't say when I'll be back but I promise, I'll stay in touch whenever possible._

_Don't forget me, okay? And remember, whatever happens, you'll always be a part of my life,_

_Love, Jared_

**Part IV**

**The World Comes Crashing Down**

**12**

The waves breaking against the cliffs are a steady and soothing rumble in the background. Combined with the air, tasting like salt and weed and the soft glow of the slowly setting sun, they make the little house on the cliff Jared's safe heaven. A few twisted, gnarled trees protect it against the worst of the wind and not much grows up here apart from those, raw grass and scrubs, but for Jared, the stony house is the most beautiful place on earth. No one knows about it, least of all Genevieve. On paper, it belongs to Jared's sister Megan, the deceit necessary to make sure that his wife won't get the place in case of a divorce. A divorce, that is, Jared sometimes thinks, only a matter of time.  
  
Looking back at the past one and a half years, Jared sometimes actually regrets his decision to run after Genevieve. It changed his whole life, and not for the best.  
  
First, it was okay, he won't deny that. They went to Europe, on a long, long holiday, traveled here and there, until they stayed in a small town in the Tuscany for almost six months. Genevieve loved it there, asked Jared to stay forever, but he just couldn't agree. Leaving LA, his job and his friends in a cloak-and-dagger operation had felt wrong from the beginning and even 10 months later it felt like leaving unfinished business behind. There was still so much for him to see, do and experience and Jared was by no means ready to retire at the age of 32.   
  
Reluctantly, Genevieve followed him back home, being miserable and pouty about it. Jared did his best to cheer her up but the unfulfilled desire to have a baby seemed to weigh more heavily on her now that they were back in LA and in the end, Jared gave in, being fed up with all her whining and pouting. Betraying his own beliefs, they went to see a doctor, trying test-tube fertilization. It wasn't meant to be: Genevieve lost the twins, only six weeks into the pregnancy. She took it badly, so badly that she was treated in a hospital for a couple of days and has been on light anti-depressants ever since.   
  
That  was also when she started to get more and more paranoid about her husband's whereabouts, calling Jared once every hour, demanding to know who he went out with, simply being nosy and jealous about his social life while she hid in their house in the hills.   
  
When it came to Jensen, Genevieve was an unreasonable bitch, already pouting when Jared only dared to mention his friend. Not wanting to risk one of her almost violent tantrums, he had promised her not to go see him. It had broken his heart, because damn, he missed his friend like an amputated limb, but there were other means of communication, emails, calls and texts and so, at least, they could keep in touch. But it wasn't the same and the fact that he hasn't seen his friend since that fateful New Year’s Eve hurts almost physically.  
  
Jared hates that! He hates Genevieve,  because she made him choose between his best friend and her. Even more though, he hates himself. For being so weak and stupid, for giving in. For neglecting Jensen, the one person in the world who is closest to his heart. 

Staring onto the small golden band of the ocean he can see in the distance, Jared really wonders why he always gave in when they argued about it. Because deep down, he knows what he feels, who he loves more and it's not his wife.  
  
He feels like crying, but he doesn't. Maybe he should because it might make him feel better, but he has already shed countless tears over the loss of his friend and they never helped, because Jensen is still his secret, someone he can only call when he's alone, and Genevieve is still his wife, almost terrorizing him, making his personal life more than unpleasant.  
  
It has to stop. H e'll tell Genevieve that he won't do her bidding any longer and if she doesn't like it, she is free to leave. 

Having made his decision, Jared gets up from the comfortable couch in the cozy living area of the house, leaving his peaceful little place, wishing that he could take Jensen with him when he comes here again.

~~~

  
Th ere are only a few miles left to go when his cell rings. It's an unknown number, which surprises Jared, because it's the phone he only uses for family and friends, but it won't hurt him to answer it.   
  
"Hello?" he drawls into the line.  
  
_"Jared, that you?"_ The voice is slightly familiar but Jared has to admit that he can't put a name to it and there's a panicked tone in it that makes him feel uneasy at once.   
  
"Yeah. Who is it?"  
_  
"Mackenzie. Listen, it's about Jensen."_ His heart sinks. Something happened, something bad and although Jared has almost waited for the call, ever since Jensen's seizure in Mexico, it tightens his chest. It feels like his heart is skipping a beat and he lets out a short, wounded gasp.   
  
"What happened?" Grateful that the streets are almost empty he steers his car to the right.  
_  
"He's been in a car accident. I don't know much. Hospital called only 10 minutes ago. Are you in LA? Can you go and see him?"_ She’s talking fast, it only underscores the hectic she is in.  _"I'd love to but I can't. I can't leave, with the babies, they're too young to be without their mom and my parents and Josh, they're in Europe."_ There are tears in her voice now.  
  
Oh God. Oh God. Waves of panic wash over Jared, making him short-winded. "Sure," he stammers. "Will they let me see him?"  
  
_"Yeah, I'll take care of that. Just go and see him. No matter what happened, I don't want my brother to be alone."_   
  
"What about Danneel"? Jared wonders because even though their marriage is only fake, she is his friend, his wife and they are fond of each other.  
  
_"Didn't he tell you?"_ Mackenzie asks surprised.  
  
"What?"  
  
_"They got a divorce, four months ago. They kept it quiet but well, I thought he'd mentioned it."_   
  
"Nah but maybe you know that, well, it hasn't been easy because of Gen. She doesn't want me to be with your brother."  
_  
"Yeah, I know."_ Mackenzie sighs. " _Will that be okay? I won't blame you if not but.."_   
  
"No!" Jared interrupts her. "It is okay. Jen is more important. He's my friend, my place is by his side."

  
_"Thank you, Jared."_   
  
"Nothing to thank me for. Now, tell me which hospital so I can drive down there and you call them and tell them I'm on my way."

~~

The slight scent of antiseptics, the monitor that controls Jensen's vitals and the hospital bed are the only signs that Jared is sitting in a hospital and not in a luxurious hotel room. The comfortable atmosphere helps him a bit to calm down, his heart rate now back to normal after he rushed to the hospital, probably breaking several traffic rules. Once Jared arrived, there were long minutes of anxious waiting until the doctor on duty finally talked to him. He couldn't tell Jared anything about how the accident had occurred, but it looks like his friend lost control over his car, crashing into a tree. With his calm voice, the doctor explained that Jensen had been relatively lucky and hadn't sustained any life-threatening injuries, but for Jared the list, starting with a whiplash injury and a concussion over to a bruised chest and ending with a broken wrist, was long and most of all, worrying enough.   
  
It took the hospital staff almost one hour to get Jensen settled into his room and Jared almost dreaded the reunion. He'd never expected it to happen in a hospital, his friend slumbering in a drug-induced sleep but the way the doctor explained it, Jared should probably be happy that there is a reunion at all.   
  
Now though, after J ared settled down on the surprisingly comfortable visitor's chair, having watched his friend sleep for a while, the fear of the unknown is gone. Jensen might look sick and broken right now, with his neck stabilized in a ruff, his arm in a cast and his face heavily bruised, tapes adorning his forehead where the crash caused a laceration, but other than that, he is still his Jensen. Older, of course, now that he is slowly but surely going towards the big 40, but still, his best friend.  
  
His phone is vibrating in his pocket. Without having to look at it, Jared knows it’s Genevieve. He was supposed to be home hours ago and with what happened, he forgot to call her. For a second, Jared is tempted to simply ignore it, knowing that the call will be anything but pleasant. But sooner or later, he has to tell Genevieve, so why not now?  
  
It's in the middle of the night and the corridor Jared steps into is empty and only dimly lit. There's a visitor area just around the corner and Jared waits until he gets there before he answers the call. A torrent of words is flooding over him but he really doesn't take them in, doesn't even let his wife finish, but interrupts her impatiently. Voice calm and neutral, Jared explains to Genevieve where he is and what has happened. She surprises him. There's no curses or threats, no begging and pleading, there is simply nothing, just a furious breathing before the line goes dead.  
  
If Genevieve expects him to call back or rush home, she can wait until hell freezes over. And if she leaves him now and tries to ruin him, well, she can try. The few belongings that are really dear to Jared are the house on the cliff, and Genevieve does neither know about this nor about the safe in there, filled with enough money to enable him to live a nice life for several years. Jared should probably be upset that his marriage is likely to end, but he isn't. Smiling and relieved, he steps back into the room, where his best friend and his future are awaiting him.

~  
  


The steady beep of the monitor and the tiring events of the day drag Jared to sleep eventually, no matter how hard he fights against it. He dreams something about the Impala, riding it with Jensen - or is he Dean and he is Sam? - when a painful groan jerks him awake.  
  
At once, Jared's memorie s are back: the ride home from his refuge, Mackenzie's call, Jensen's accident, the hospital, Genevieve. He feels even more exhausted than before he went to sleep, a throbbing pain behind his temples and his long limbs stiff from the nap in the too small chair. There isn't any time to pity himself, though, because another groan reminds Jared to why he slept here in the first place. He straightens up, his eyes meeting Jensen's. There's confusion and surprise in them, and they blink a couple of times, not losing the look of wonder.   
  
"Jay?" Jensen's voice is raw and full of emotions.  
  
Reaching out, touching Jensen's hand carefully because of the IV attached to it, Jared feels the countenance he so bravely tried to hold up collapse upon himself. It's suddenly all too much, not only what happened in the night, but in the long, lonely months before and that finally, Jensen is right in front of him again, breathing and alive, his hand a warm weight in Jared's own.  
  
"Yeah, it's me, Jen." Jared's voice is shaking so much and Jensen's name is only a sob. "There's been an accident." The first tears are already streaming down Jared's face. "Mac called me. She can't be here, because of her babies, but she didn't want you to be alone."  
  
"Can't remember much," Jensen admits, looking strained.   
  
"Tha t's okay, Jen. Don't worry." He squeezes Jensen's hand. "You lost control of your car, no one knows why. You sustained a few minor injuries, broke your wrist, concussion, whiplash, but nothing to really worry about. Pain might be a bitch but soon you'll be as good as new."  
  
"I can't believe you're really here, Jay. What about Gen?"  


"I told her that you need me and that's the end of discussion. And I'm so sorry that I haven't told her before. I should have done it much, much earlier. I can't believe that you're still talking to me, still allow me to be here and hold your hand."  
  
Jensen’s smile is tortured. "It's okay. I always knew."  
  
"What?"   
  
"That you cared. An d that I was still a part of your life. Just because people don't see each other for a while and barely talk to each other doesn't make them less important. I never doubted you."  
  
As the words sink in, the levee breaks. There's a flood of tears, streaming down his face, and Jared can't even tell what he is crying for, maybe for simply everything that burdens his mind. Awkwardly, he sits in his chair, his one hand still clinging  ~~ t ~~ o Jensen's, his other trying in vain to stop the tears from falling.   
  
"Hey. Jay. It's okay." Jensen soothes him but Jared barely hears his friend, his own sobs so loud in his ears. "Come here."  
  
The hand Jared is still holding tugs Jared a little and then, after all this time, Jared is finally back in the safe circle of his friend's arms. He is holding on so tightly that it must hurt Jensen's bruised body, but he doesn't protest, just holds on equally tightly, crying with Jared for all they lost and now got back.  
  
"We're such princesses," Jared tries to lighten the mood when his tears finally run dry, leaving him drained and thirsty.  
  
"You are," Jensen notes. "I am manly."  
  
"Oh yeah. A very manly princess," Jared deadpans.  
  
Jensen tries to suppress his laugh. "Hurts," he explains, when Jared looks slightly confused.  
  
"I'm sorry, man. Let me call the nurse, okay?"  
  
Once the nurse is done with injecting Jensen a dose of pain meds, a comfortable silence is setting between the two friends, both men lost in their own thoughts, handling their own feelings.  
  
"You should go home," Jensen drawls, his voice already affected by the med-induced tiredness. "Check on your wife."  
  
Disagreeing, Jared shakes his head. "Nah. Don't want you to be alone."  
  
"I'm not, Jay. You're here, with me. Every day. Really a part of my Life." It must be the drugs and the emotional strain, otherwise Jensen would have never said something as cheesy as that. Nevertheless, it makes Jared smile happily because in a way, it's so true. They've never really lost each other.  
  
"Go, Jay. Let me sleep. Just promise to come back."  
  
Jared smiles like he hasn't done for a long time. "I'll always come back, Jen."  
  
He stays until Jensen is sleeping peacefully, kissing him gently on the forehead as he whispers his goodbye. Leaning down so close, Jared notices the wrinkles on his friend's tired features and the gray in his hair.

It makes him love Jensen even more.

~~~

Sure that Jensen has already woken up, Jared rushes upstairs, taking two steps at once until he finally pushes the door to the floor of Jensen's ward open. 

It has probably been naive but Jared never expected that coming home - or to the place he used to call home until last night - would be such a disaster and chaos. Admittedly, he had underestimated his soon-to-be-ex-wife. Genevieve has evolved into a frustrated, sometimes raging and furious person in the past months. Such vandalism as she displayed tonight though was unexpected and still makes Jared's skin crawl.

Shaking his head in disbelief, getting rid off the disturbing pictures, Jared grants himself a couple of seconds to cool down as he finally stands in front of Jensen's sickroom. Only when he's calm enough, does Jared knock, stepping into the room as he hears his friend's quiet "Come in."

"Hey, I'm sorry it took me so long," Jared apologies, conjuring up a bunch of sunflowers from behind his back, holding them out to his friend wordlessly.

Actually blushing, Jensen accepts them. "You remembered."

"How could I forget my best friend's fave flowers, Jensen?" Jared scratches the back of his head to hide the obvious embarrassment. "You feeling better?"

"Oh yeah, just peachy."

Jared doesn't miss the irony and it makes him smile broadly, even though he is upset that Jensen is still in pain. "Let me call the nurse, Jen," Jared offers but isn't surprised when his friend denies.

"Nah. Just woke up half an hour ago. Meds make me tired and I don't want to be tired and sleeping again."

"Stubborn bastard," Jared scolds him. "You need to rest."

"Not now. I want to talk to you, Jay. Tell me what happened with Gen."

"Oh nothing," Jared lies, slipping into his acting mode, not wanting Jensen to know what his wife did. It might upset Jensen and he doesn't want to upset his friend. "Everything is fine."

Wh at Jared hasn't expected though is that Jensen still knows him too well, knowing exactly when he tells the truth or just acts. "Jared Padalecki," Jensen scolds him, "you're a terrible actor when it comes to lying to me. Whatever white lie you’re telling me, just forget it, I'm not buying any of that shit."

"It's really nothing," Jared evades. "Hey, when are you going to be released?"

"Don't even think about it, Jay. We're friends. If shit happens, you tell me and don't change the subject. So, just tell me. And don't forget to mention why the hell you're reeking like a gigantic smoked salmon."

Jared takes a sniff, wrinkling his nose. His friend is right. Not that it is a surprise, but he hasn't even noticed when he got into the car and drove to see his lawyer, the tang all-consuming in his nose. He really doesn't want to tell Jensen but he is a clever guy and probably, with a bit of guessing here and there, he'd find out the truth anywhere.

"She threw all my belongings out onto the driveway, as far as I know, really everything. Clothes, books, DVDs, everything down to the last photograph and childhood memory. She piled it up and... made a huge bonfire out of it, Jen. When I arrived, she was looking out of the window, laughing maniacally. I didn’t even bother to enter the house, just grabbed Sadie Junior and drove over to see my lawyer." Still disbelieving over what happened, Jared shakes his head, the sight of his burning possessions and his whining dog and the sound of Genevieve’s lunatic laughter one he won’t forget that soon. "Makes me wonder if it’s my fault that she changed so much, that she... almost went crazy." The last word is barely a whisper, like Jared hates himself for saying something like that about the woman he once loved and who definitely had a hard fate struggling with the miscarriage.

He doesn't want Jensen's sympathy, wouldn't even have shared his thoughts under normal circumstances but the past 24 hours were just too much, even for someone who looks so strong and sometimes behaves so tough.

"That's rubbish, Jared. I'm begging you, man! Don't try to convince yourself that it's your fault. It isn't." Determinedly, Jensen fixes his eyes on his friend, not breaking eye contact, insistently underscoring every single word. "Genevieve, she is sad and probably still depressed. It has nothing to do with you. You tried again and again, gave her several chances, put up with all the shit she made you do, her jealousy, demands, simply everything."

"I vowed. In sickness and health, remember? You were there."

Jensen sighs. "And do you remember? You didn't even love her back then... This marriage, it never should have happened in the first place." Rubbing his head in pain or frustration or maybe both, Jensen pauses, but then continues. "I know you did love her later but Jay. The vow? It doesn't include that you have to let your wife ruin your life, happiness, career and your friendships, simply everything that is dear to you. Enough is enough." Tiredly, Jensen sighs, sinking deeper into the cushion that props up his still weak body.

Of course, there is truth in Jensen's words but Jared finds himself torn, between his bad conscience and his debt towards Genevieve on one side and his own comprehensible longing for happiness. That's not too much to ask for, isn't it? 

He wants to argue though, wants to explain, maybe just to get absolution, but he doesn't. He's one egoistic son of a bitch in his own eyes already, he won't debate with his friend even longer, seeing how tired and hurting he is. So Jared just nods, hoping to convince his friend and maybe, some day in the future, himself.

~~

"Where are you going to stay, Jay? Now you are homeless with Gen claiming your place and more  or less without possessions."

Jared shrugs. He honestly hasn't thought about it yet. "Don't know. Some hotel I think. Or maybe at Chad's. First I need to sort the finances out, you know, what Gen gets, before I can go look for a new place. I’m sure she will get the house anyways and even if not, I wouldn’t want it. Way more bad than happy memories."

"Dude?! You prefer living with Chad when you can live with me?"

Jared laughs. "Can I?"

"Sure. You gave me your home when I didn't have a place to stay, so it's only logical if I give you mine now."

The warm fuzzy special Jensen-feeling, as Jared calls it, is back. "I don't know what to say."

"Maybe yes? Please?" Jensen tries the puppy eyes, a specialty of Jared, but fails miserably. 

"Okay. Thank you, Jen." Jared really has the best friend in the world. "Hey, talking about it. When will you get out? And," now his tone is slightly reproachful, "why didn't you tell me about Danneel?"

"Mac told you, huh?" It's not even a real question, Jensen doesn't wait for a reply. "Wasn't too important. I mean, we were never, well, really husband and wife. It was an alliance and it worked out but she met someone else and fell for him and yeah, wanted to try for a baby before she's getting even older."

"You should have told me."

"Yeah, well. Maybe." Jensen shrugs. Changing the subject, he answers the other question. "They want to run a few tests, so the doctor said I might have to stay a couple more days."

Suddenly, the atmosphere between them is a little tense. There is something Jared needs to know and it's as if Jensen is guessing it, avoiding Jared's worried, questioning stare.

"You had another fit, didn't you? And they don't know what it is."

"Yeah. I mean, I don' t know for sure, I can't reme mber much, but I think I had. I told Dr. McNamara. She wants to run tests. It's neurological, it could have a thousand reasons, Jay."

"Why did you wait so long, you stupid, careless bastard?" Jared asks bitterly, his frustration and fear almost choking him.

"I didn’t, Jared. After Mexico, I went to see my GP. He couldn't tell me much, sent me to a neurologist, and he ran a few tests, but didn't find anything. I thought I was okay. Hell, for all I know I am okay."

"How can that be okay, Jen?!" Jared sighs, his helplessness visible in his features. "You could have died!"

The me aning of Jared's words lingers in the air, slowly sinking in. Other than Jared, Jensen hasn't really grasped the severity of the situation yet. Swallowing hard, fingers gripping the material of the cover, eyes moving frantically, Jensen tries to comprehend it. He gasps, obviously wants to say something, but no words come out, only a shocked, hurting breath.

"God Jay." Jensen shudders at the thought of it and the first tears are finding their way out of his eyes and down his bruised, stubbled cheek. "I didn't.... I never thought..."

"Hey, it's okay, Jen." Jared leans over, taking his friend in his arms. "Sorry I brought it up. I shouldn't have. I'm just so damn worried, have been since Mexico and the thought, Jen..." Jared doesn’t dare to say more, just can't put his biggest fear, of losing Jensen for good, to a place where he can't follow, into words.

"Nothing happened, Jay. I'm fine. Or I will be, once the pain is gone. I promise you won't lose me. Now I finally got you back... you're really stuck with me forever. We'll grow gray and old together."

Drawing strength from Jensen's safe embrace, giving the same love and comfort back, Jared slowly calms down. Like a mantra, he tells himself that Jensen is fine, that nothing bad will happen, that fate can't be so cruel and that they will be together forever.

In the end, he believes it.

~~~

Hands pressed against the wooden railing, Jensen is standing speechlessly at the edge of the cliff, looking down at the roaring ocean in awe. The waves whipping against the rocks, the whitecaps dancing on the water, being swallowed when another wave touches the rough stone, only to be replaced with more whitecaps and the noise when the ocean thunders against the land, show the pure force and majesty of nature. The wind ruffles the man's a little longer than usual hair and he takes deep breaths of the fresh, slightly moist and salty air, looking very thoughtful.  
  
"Makes you feel small and unimportant, huh? Just to think about how old the world is, these rocks, the ocean. Our lives, it's just a glimpse of an eye, if at all, in comparison."  
  
Jared has never really thought about it. The view has astonished him the first time he saw it, still awes him, but unlike Jensen, he barely philosophizes about such things. His friend still stares  absentmindedly onto the ocean, like he doesn't even expect an answer and in the end, Jared settles for the simplest answer of all and twines his fingers with Jensen’s. He's always loved to convey his feelings and thoughts with touches, has always crowded people and Jensen, his best friend, has always been on top of the list to touch. Ever since the accident though, Jared needs it even more. The reassurance that Jensen is here with him, still breathing and in his life.  
  
It's been almost three weeks. Sometimes Jared suspects Jensen of knowing or at least suspecting something about his condition. There were a couple of additional doctor's appointments in the hospital after Jensen had been released and while Jared offered to come with him, Jensen always refused. Avoiding the subject, he only told Jared not to worry and that he'd let him know once the testing was done and he knew anything. A few days ago, Jensen didn't return from his appointment for a very long time, ignoring Jared's calls, sneaking into his house as quietly as possible so that Jared wouldn't notice. He only caught a glimpse at his friend before he vanished upstairs, but if Jared wasn't much mistaken, Jensen's eyes were red-rimmed. Ever since, Jared is even more scared for his friend, praying for Jensen to be okay.  
  
Drawing soft circles on his hand, Jensen pets his thumb over Jared's skin so tenderly that a shiver runs through Jared’s body. Being here with Jensen, watching the wild beauty of the ocean, listening to nothing but nature's sounds makes Jared almost believe that it's just the two of them in the world. It's their private moment, quiet and perfect and honest. Jensen's face lies bare with all his emotions, the love shining in his eyes overwhelming. After all the twists and turns their relationship has suffered, Jared sometimes wonders how he deserves it, being loved like that, boundlessly and unconditionally, by that wonderful man.  
  
"A couple of days ago, Dr McNamara called me." Jensen doesn't dare to look at Jared, fixing his eyes on a random point in the distance instead, but keeps on holding Jared's hand, the touch trembling, like Jensen's voice. "There's a reason for the seizures. I'm sick, Jared."  
  
Time stands still. There's the cry of a gull, the wind twisting the bushes, the ocean thundering against the rocks. It's like it has always been, always will be, but for Jared, nothing will be the same again. 

He doesn't need to ask Jensen, knows at once that it's serious and slowly, he feels his world come crashing down. Legs suddenly wobbly, it feels as if he is swaying, and his chest tightens and tightens until, for a moment, Jared thinks he’s suffocating. Only once he takes a deep breath, pulls as much air into his lungs as possible, it's a little better. Eyes blurred, he stares at their entwined fingers, his own and his best friend's, woven together like a thread.  
  
Jensen squeezes so hard that it almost hurts. "It's called Wilson's disease. It's an autosomal recessive genetic disorder in which copper accumulates in tissues. It manifests as neurological symptoms, such as the seizures or the migraines I had, and liver disease."

Liver disease? That really doesn't sound good. Jared doesn't really want to ask, doesn't want to break the thin straw of hope he’s clinging to at the moment, but he just has to know. "How serious is it, Jen? Can it be treated?"

"They still need to run a few tests, make a liver biopsy to discover the complete degree but... Jay, it doesn't look good. If the illness is diagnosed in an early stadium, it can be treated just fine, but I... no one noticed and I had the first symptoms two years ago and my liver, it's already heavily damaged from cirrhosis. There's treatment to delay further progression but there is no guarantee that the illness will respond to it."

Trembling with shock and fear, Jared asks, "What does it mean, Jen?"

Face a pained grimace, Jensen looks at his friend, barely able to hold back the tears. "It means that my liver still could cease its function and that in the end I might need a transplant. In the worst case, Jay, it means that forever isn't that long anymore." His voice turns into a mere whisper. "I might die."

_I might die. I might die. I might die._ Jensen's words are ringing in Jared's ears mockingly, like they were a big joke and Fate is laughing at him for believing that everything would be fine, that they finally, after all the quests their love had to pass, could get their happily ever after.

First, Jared feels nothing. No fear, no pain, no hope, simply nothing while the truth sinks in.

Jensen might die. Not in 50 years as an old man, but soon. Jensen might die.

Eventually, Jared can't tell if its seconds, minutes or maybe even hours later, he understands the meaning of the words. His best friend, his Jensen, the love of his life, might die and there is simply nothing Jared can do about it. The truth hits him like a huge battering ram, knocks the air out of his lungs, makes him tremble like the fortress' wall and shakes him to the core. If something has ever hurt Jared so much that he'd describe it like the pain of having his heart ripped out, it's what he feels now. Pain, sharp as a blade, cutting, all-consuming. He wants to scream, wants to bite his tongue or rip out his hair, wants to do something, anything, to make the pain go away, to replace it with another, more bearable pain, but Jared's arms are too weak to lift and when he opens his lips to let his frustration, his anger and pain out, nothing but a hurting sob escapes. He sways worse than before and he breaks down, the bristle grass coming closer but then there are warm, strong arms encircling him, holding him tight, slowly guiding him to his knees.

It's Jensen, almost melting into his own body, crying with him, whispering soothing words, promises that he will fight, that he will be okay, that he is still alive, that he has a chance and that Jared gives him the reason to take it. 

Jared doesn't really take it in though. He cries and cries, so scared and shocked, the thought of losing Jensen, of being without him, of facing this life and world alone, just so life-shattering that at the moment, he can't handle it differently. Jared knows, it should be him, comforting his Jensen, not the other way round, but he just isn't strong enough for it. He will be, must be, but right now, as his mind is still processing the possibility of losing his beloved friend, he can't.

Finally, after long minutes of weeping, once Jared's calves are cold from kneeling on the cool ground and stiff from not moving, Jared's sobs die away, leaving him drained and empty.  Jensen is still holding him, cocoonin g him safely, absentmindedly playing with the long streaks of his hair.

Jared shifts enough to move his hand, awkwardly pinched between their bodies, to pet it over Jensen's chest, until he feels the steady, reassuring beat of his heart. It’s still beating. Jensen is right, he is still here, not yet gone, and he needs his best friend. He needs Jared to be strong for him, so he can take the burden and Jensen can concentrate on healing.

"I'll be there for you, Jen. And you will see, in the end, forever will be long enough."

~~

That night, for the first time in over five years, they share their bed again. Hand pressed against Jensen's heart, like he can not get enough of the steady rhythm of its beat, Jared has spooned around his friend, his lips gently pressed against a spot behind Jensen's ear, the other hand twined with Jensen's.

Jared is still scared for the future, for what it might bring to his best friend. Tomorrow, they will return to LA. Then, Jensen has to see specialists, has to put up with tests, the fine-tuning with the dose of his medication, pain and maybe, bad news. But that is tomorrow.

Tonight is just for them, being together, feeling each other and for these few precious hours, Jared forbids himself to think about what lies ahead of them. It isn't easy, the painful truth just can't be forgotten, but for a while, it can be pushed away. The gaping hole at the center of Jared's chest, ripped open when Jensen told him he might die, is still there, hurting and bleeding, but with every breath they take in unison, it shrivels a little, at least for the moment.

It's so peaceful, lying here with Jensen, having him so close. Not that Jared really can, but it gives him the feeling that he is protecting Jensen, that, if he could just hold and spoon him like that, everything is just a bad dream and they could stay here for a forever that is really long enough for them.

He's always felt it, but never really told Jensen, how much he loved him. Just once, a long, long time ago, when Jensen was fast asleep, so he couldn't hear it. Once they dated, Jared never did say it, without even realizing it for a long time. He only noticed when it was too late. 

Now, Jared feels it stronger than ever: the beat of his heart,  the rush of his blood, every breath he takes, every thought he thinks, it's all for Jensen, it's pure, endless love and finally, after all those years, he is ready to tell Jensen. Not because he might die and it could soon really be too late, but because now, here in his little cozy refuge by the sea, with the ocean thundering against the rock that is older than Jared and Jensen ever can imagine, it is what defines Jared.

"I love you, Jensen," he whispers into his better half's ear, kissing his temple.

There is no reply but a single tear trailing down Jensen's cheek, glistening in the soft moonlight and his free hand, now feeling for Jared's, pressing it even tighter against his heart.

It's a perfect, quiet moment, putting Jared at ease. He catches it and locks it in his heart.

**13**

Once the treatment starts, Jensen is getting worse.

The penicillamine causes side effects, worsening the seizures and weakening Jensen's muscles during periods of activity. It leads to a slurred speech, Jensen's right eye dropping almost closed and very restricted limb movements, binding him to his bed or a wheelchair on most days.

Even though the copper that damaged Jensen's liver is slowly excreted from his body, it doesn't magically heal the cirrhosis. He is weak, fatigued and is suffering from loss of appetite, losing weight every day. No matter what food Jared prepares according to the diet plan, Jensen barely eats more than two mouthfuls, the trembling of his hands not helping when it comes to ingest food. Several spider angiomas distort Jensen's skin on his upper body, neck and limbs, looking like red, angry spider webs tattooed onto his fair skin. Worst of all though is a chronic inflammation in the bones, causing considerable pain.

Jensen's mental condition is also grave and both his doctor and Jared begged him to talk to a therapist who helps him to deal with his fears and emotions. Being in constant pain, seeing his own body fade away, only a mer e shadow of the healthy, attractive man he used to be and the poor prognosis he got, Jensen is so scared. Prone to tears, Jensen often expresses his fears that way, his body, racked by seizures, shaking even more, and Jared can do nothing but hold his hand or hold him tight, whispering promises he can't keep.

Hating hospitals - who doesn't - Jensen decided for out of hospital-treatment as far as it is possible. Jared arranged a sickroom on Jensen's first floor, the barely used dining-room with its big French windows now Jensen's home, the scent of fresh paint and new furniture still overpowering the odor of sickness. 

There's a nurse coming twice a day, helping Jensen with hygiene because as much as he loves Jared, as much as he knows Jared loves him, that was just something he didn't want Jared to do for him. Richard - Jensen insisted on a male nurse - is around Jensen's own age, settled with wife and two kids, very experienced and kind.

Jared is grateful for having him. Not that he would have minded to help Jensen shower - it's not like they never showered together before - but this is something different and if something as simple as this helps Jensen to lessen the feeling of burdening Jared, the younger man won't complain.

~~~

Unbearable pains in his bones woke Jensen up in the middle of the night, his miserable moans so loud that Jared could hear them one floor above. He rushed downstairs to find his friend writhing in pain and he could only provide Jensen with a dose of pain meds, gently massaging his hurting limbs until it finally lessened his agony a little. Eventually, Jensen fell back into an uneasy dream, moaning and whimpering, drooling so badly that Jared had to change his pillow and didn't dare to go to bed again, watching over his sick friend.

A couple of hours into the day, it's even worse. It's lunchtime and Jensen, who wanted to prove that he is well enough, insisted on having his meal with Jared outside on the patio. His plan suffered the first blow when he wasn't strong enough to walk the few steps, even though he spent almost the whole previous day in bed. Now, as Jensen is sitting in his wheelchair, staring out into his backyard, his hands shake so badly that, no matter how hard he tries, he can't pick up his fork, let alone guide it to his mouth to eat a bit of the pizza Jared made. He's still not the best of chefs, but it's years after Jensen moved in with him back in Vancouver, asking him never to cook, and meanwhile Jared learned a few tasty standard recipes.

"Jen," Jared says gently as he watches his friend struggle, his trembling hand reaching out only to draw back again. "Let me help you, okay?"

"No. Need to do it alone." His speech is still slurred and today it's especially bad. Jensen notices it too and the whole situation makes him tear up.

"I know. But you also need to eat. I know you don't have much appetite, but you need to keep your strength, to fight, remember? You promised me."

Eyes fixed onto the plate with the thin slice of pizza, Jensen doesn't say anything as constant tremors are running through his body. He looks so miserable and broken, so unrecognizable from the man he used to be only two months ago, that Jared feels a lump grow in his throat, almost suffocating him.

"It's okay, Jen," Jared promises as he gets up and, pulling the chair with him, moves close enough so that he can sit next to his friend where he begins to cut the pizza in small pieces. "It's really tasty. Lots of tomatoes and herbs and a bit of salami. You've always liked salami on your pizza, didn't you? So much that you bastard once nicked the salami off my pizza, too." Jared giggles a little. "So, I'm sure, you will like this pizza, Jen."

Jensen's hands still tremble considerably and Jared takes one in his hand, just holding it lightly in his while the fork is hovering only mere inches in front of Jensen's nose. "Just smell it Jen. It's delicious."

Something you could call a little smile forms on Jensen's lips and then he finally opens his mouth and the pizza piece lands right where it belongs. Jared keeps on talking while he feeds his friend, reminiscing about the times when they used to live together the first time, distracting Jensen from the humiliating procedure, until suddenly, the whole pizza slice is gone.

"Wow, you managed it, Jen." Jared smiles broadly, like his friend just won the first prize in some competition. "Want something else?"

Surprisingly, Jensen nods and Jared keeps on feeding him another piece of pizza, relieved that he finally managed to fill Jensen's too flat belly with more food than usual. It's the first good thing that happened that day. 

"Do you want to stay outside in the shadow for a bit, Jen?" Jared asks once he has cleared away the dishes.

Jensen nods. Jared noticed a while ago that, since his friend's speech is mainly slurred, he has talked less. He's quite sure that his friend just doesn't want to hear himself speak like that but Jared makes a mental note to talk to Peggy, Jensen's shrink, about it.

Quietly, Jared pushes the wheelchair over to the pool house and helps his friend into one of the loungers there, making sure that he is lying there comfortably before he lies down on the lounger next to Jensen, catching hold of his friend's hand.

"You shouldn't have to do this." A thread of saliva trails down Jensen's jaw. His hand trembles too hard to brush it away himself but then Jared is there with a soft handkerchief, taking care of it, gently wiping it away. The drooling, one of the neurological symptoms of Wilson's disease, humiliates Jensen the most. There is not much Jared can do except stroking Jensen's hair and hand, assuring him wordlessly that he doesn't love him less because of it. "Nursing me. First your wife and then... me. Deserve so much better."

"Oh Jens en." Jared shakes his head in refusal. "I'm so glad to do it, really. Grateful for every minute with you."

"Nothing I can give," the older man mutters, looking away.

"Doofus," Jared scolds Jensen, squeezing his friend's hand. "Since we met, you've given me so much. Friendship and love, chances again and again. This hasn't changed. I know you try and fight so hard and you are so brave, enduring all that pain and I know you do it for me, for our future,"

Jensen sniffs. "Might be none."

"There's always a future, Jensen. Just believe it."

Deep within though, Jared doesn't really believe it anymore himself. He knows, there is always hope but there's a nagging feeling telling him that there still is a long, hard war to fight and that the chances to win it aren't the best.

~~~

"Jensen?" Jared knocks on his friend's door, not daring to come in when he doesn't hear any kind of acknowledgment. Instead, he opens it a little, just enough that he can look through it, standing awkwardly in the doorway. His friend's eyes are reddened, just like Jared's own, but other than Jared, Jensen hasn't said a word since Dr. McNamara told him the shattering news.

If any situation was ever difficult and awkward it's this, the hours after both their worlds came finally and completely crashing down. Although treatment showed first effects in reducing the copper in Jensen's liver, it isn't enough. The damage has worsened until it was irreparable and the failure of the organ is only a matter of time, no matter the treatment, Dr. McNamara was very clear about that. Liver dialysis could prolong the organ's life, buying Jensen time but in the end, the result would be the same: the organ would cease his function and Jensen would need a transplant; a transplant he won't get, because no matter how far he is up the list, it's not far enough to help him in time. Jensen is going to die.

So, what do you tell your best friend and boyfriend - because that's what Jensen is for Jared - in such a situation? Jared doesn't know. For the first time in his life, he really is absolutely speechless and helpless, mourning for his friend's fate, cursing whoever is responsible for taking Jensen away from him. What he knows though is that Jensen shouldn't be alone, that he won't leave Jensen's side, backing him up until the very end.

"Jensen?" Jared asks again, daring to step forward a little.

Finally, there is a reaction, even though not the one Jared hoped for. Jensen is turning his head away, burying it into the cushion.

"Don't push me away, Jen." It's a threat, a plea and a hope, simply everything that lies in that small sentence. "I won't leave you alone. We're in this together."

Except Jensen's harsh breathing, there is still not a single sound coming from the trembling man. Jared moves forward, stepping closer and closer, until at last, he's standing next to his friend's bed. It's surprising enough that Jensen is still at home. He should be in hospital, where they could monitor his vitals and provide him with anything else he might need, but Jensen had been quite clear about his treatment from the start, not wanting to be in a hospital unless absolutely necessary. Jared doesn't know what to think about it. In a way, it would make him feel better if Jensen were in hospital, but he can also understand his  boyfriend's wish for wanting to be at home, in a more familiar, comfortable atmosphere.

Hesitantly, Jared reaches out, stroking Jensen's head, again and again, soothingly, lovingly until eventually, something between of a sob and a moan escapes his friend's body. That being the invitation Jared was looking for, he crawls into bed with Jensen, spooning him from head to toe, almost blanketing him with his body.

It takes a while but eventually, Jared is sure that his friend is more relaxed than before, breathing a bit easier, the hold on his hand not limp as before, fingers twined with his own.

"I'm scared, Jay. So damn scared. I don't want.... can’t... die." He only breathes out the short word, only three letters with certainly the worst shattering meaning of all but Jensen doesn't cry. There probably aren't any tears left after hours of sobbing and his sadness and desperation meanwhile are beyond tears. Several shivers run through Jensen's body, this time not from his sickness but from fear, from the thought of closing his eyes forever, not waking up again, not seeing his family and friends any longer.

Gently, Jared presses a kiss against Jensen's neck, exactly to the spot where one of the ugly spider webs in his skin seems to grow every day. There is not much to say or do to take Jensen's fear away. It's only natural, facing the unknown, going to a place where no one knows what it'll be like and it doesn't matter that millions and millions of people went there before and that sooner or later, we go there anyways. At the moment, it's just too big, too scaring to face.

"I know you are, Jen. I'm scared, too." Jared swallows hard, still struggling to comprehend the fact that in a few weeks time, his Jensen might be gone forever. "But, you don't need to be. I'll be with you, until the end, I promise. You won't be alone, love. And maybe, just maybe, a miracle happens."

"Don't believe in miracles, Jay."

"Ah, but you should. Just look at us. Like we met in the first place. That was a miracle. I mean, how big are the odds? And now, we're together again. Hey, about that... I've been thinking." There is no reaction from his friend, so Jared keeps on talking. "I'd like to marry you, Jensen."

"Nuts."

"That a yes?" Jared sounds hopeful but the slight shake of Jensen's head destroys his dreams. "Even if your divorce with Genevieve was through, I wouldn't. Can't let you marry a terminally ill man, Jared." He shifts enough, now facing Jared almost completely. There's a grateful glow in Jensen's eyes but sadness when he says, "I know you love me. Otherwise, you wouldn't be here. And we don't need a certificate to belong together. It happened years ago. When I'm gone, Jay," he lifts his slightly trembling hand to comb his fingers through Jared's hair, "I'll still be a part of you."

Jensen sounds so sure about it and although he maybe shouldn't feel like that on the day he learned that his boyfriend quite certainly is going to die soon, it awakes the butterflies in Jared’s belly, flapping their wings excitedly. 

"You always will be. I will love you until I follow you, Jen, and way beyond."

Leaning down, he catches Jensen's lips in a gentle kiss. They haven't kissed in a while, Jensen not wanting to, too ashamed of the drooling, and Jared always respecting it. Not today, though. If there is a day to kiss his boyfriend, it's the beginning of the time before their life together ends.

Like so often, the "I love you" on the men's lips remains unsaid, but they know it anyways.

~~~

Uncomprehendingly, Jared looks at Jensen who is undergoing another liver dialysis session.

"So, you’re telling me that no one in your family is a matching donor?"

"Looks like it. Mom and Dad are too old, Mac has it herself, though luckily without any symptoms yet, so they can treat her just well, and Josh is sick."

Jared doesn't really think about it as he offers, "I could."

If Jensen was pale before, he is as white as a sheet now. "No... I couldn't. I... no... you probably aren't even a match."

"It's easy enough to find out. I'll talk to your doctor."

"But Jay... I couldn't possibly..."

Jared interrupts his boyfriend sharply. "You'd rather die than accept a part of my liver?"

"No... but.. Jay. You can't possibly do that for me. It's massive. Risky. There must be another way."

"Hey, calm down, man. Don't rush anything. Just let me talk to Sybil and let’s see the results. If I'm a match, Jen, we can still talk about the rest, okay?"

Before Jensen can disagree, Jared is gone, determined to at least give it a try.

~~

Jensen is very quiet on their ride back. The dialysis always deprives Jensen of his remaining energy, every session a little more, leaving him drained and tired, but today it's something else and Jared is quite sure that it is directly connected with his suggestion to get himself tested as a possible living donor for Jensen. Maybe he shouldn't have mentioned it. Maybe, he should have just done the test, waited for the results and talked to Jensen once they were there. Now, he has made him both worried and hopeful and it seems to gnaw on him.

Once they’ve arrived at home, Jensen lets himself be helped to bed impassively, his only reply to Jared's questions unreadable shrugs.

"You should get some sleep, love," Jared whispers gently, brushing his lips over Jensen's forehead.

He's already out of the door when a weak "stay" makes him stop. He turns around, looking at his dying boyfriend, right into those green eyes, one wide open, the other still half closed so that Richard has to tape it shut every night.

"Gotta talk," Jensen slurs.

Jared returns, sitting down on the edge of Jensen's bed, looking at his friend openly and full of love.

"The thing with the donor, you meant it?"

"Yeah, sure I did." Jared is relieved that Jensen wants to talk about it. "Although I'm not sure I should have mentioned it yet. Nothing's for sure, Jen, there's a lot of tests to be done. I see how it affects you and maybe..." Jared shrugs. They're both so far gone that they cling to every oh so tiny straw they can find but the disappointment will be even more shattering when it isn't an option in the end.

"Why would you do something like that for me?" It's merely a whisper, full of wonder and disbelief. "It's a part of yourself, Jay. And so risky. You could... something could happen." Jensen breathes harshly.

"Years ago you once asked me if I loved someone so much that I'd die for them, remember?" Jared doesn't really expect an answer, so he continues, brushing a strand of his hair out of his face and behind his ear. "Then, I didn't really know. Now though, I do. There's someone I love more than my own life, Jensen. It's you." He sees Jensen swallow hard, biting his raw lips, gripping the bedding that covers his haggard body, too emotional to say anything. He doesn't have to. "It's just a little part of me for the whole of you, Jen. And if I die at the attempt and can save you, I can die a happy man. Don't get me wrong. I am scared, too. Death... it's so incomprehensible. But I see how scared you are now that the end is near and if I can take this fear away and give you the life you deserve, I'll give my life gladly. You Jensen Ross Ackles, of all people, are worth dying for."

A single tear finds its way down Jensen's cheek until it disappears in Jensen's two day old stubble. "Jay. I don't know what to say."

"Nothing at all, Jen. And yes when I'm a match. In case I'm not, well, just promise to wait for me on the other side, okay?"

"Okay." Jensen's trembling hand feels for Jared's, wrapping around his fingers in an uncommon hard grip. "Okay."

~

Sybil McNamara's face is neutral and it's enough for Jared to know that he isn't a matching donor for his boyfriend. Eyes blurred with tears, ears filled with a weird buzzing sound, Jared does neither see the doctor's shaking head nor hear her explanations as the last flicker of hope inside Jared dies. Sobbing uncontrollably, he breaks down on the chair in her office, crying for the unfairness of Fate that let Jensen become such an inherent part of his life but not let a part of himself literally become a part of Jensen's life.

Today, it's Jensen who catches Jared, whose hand is a warm and solid weight against his neck and who gently pulls him into his weak arms, encircling him, trying to sooth Jared for something there is no possible comfort for any longer.

It takes a long time until Jared is calm enough to drive Jensen home. Not even Sybil's information that Jensen moved further up on the transplantation list gives him any hope. Her prediction, that it will be over in one or two weeks is so earth-shattering that all hope is gone.

His boyfriend is going to die and there really is nothing left that Jared could do.

**14**

Thick wafts of mist billow over the cliff, muffle all noises, even the constant roar of the ocean, leaving mist on Jared's skin and hair. He can barely see a yard and for all Jared knows, he could be the only person in this world, cocooned in those impenetrable clouds of moisture.

"Jared?" Richard's voice sounds far away, like in a dream and for a second, Jared wishes it were like this. That the nurse is just a memory from his past or part of a frightening nightmare and that, if Jared just concentrates on it, he will wake up and be back in Vancouver, Jensen sleeping soundly next to him, happy and healthy.

"Jared?" This time, it sounds closer, and soon enough, Jared feels a light touch on his shoulder.

"Jensen? Is he?" He doesn't dare to ask, even though he understands it's only a matter of time.

"He's sleeping, Jared. But I think I should prepare you. It won't take long anymore."

Jared sniffs. "Yeah. I know. Thank you Richard. Not only for your honesty but most of all, for your help, for coming here."

The older man shrugs. "Nothing to thank me for. You two are great guys. I wish I could have done more."

"You do enough. Really. Thank you."

Richard is indeed a big help. After Sybil brought the shattering news that Jared couldn't donate a part of his liver to Jensen, ever since she told them that Jensen has only a couple of days to live and ever since Jensen begged Jared not to let him die in a hospital but to bring him home, into the safe haven of Jared's little house on the cliff, Richard has been a real good friend for Jared. He hadn't hesitated to leave his own family behind in LA, had helped Jared to set up the living-room as Jensen's sick room and stayed with him as the sick man was transported to the house in an ambulance. Now, whenever Jared dares to sleep a few hours, Richard watches over Jensen, and they take it in turns to wash and feed him, making sure that Jensen dies humanely, with as little pain and fear as possible. And while Jared is sitting on the side of Jensen's bed, holding his dying boyfriend's hand, sharing so many happy memories with him, Richard makes sure that Jared has something to eat.

Sighing deeply, Jared suddenly remembers that the Ackles are on their way to see their son and brother one last time. "What about Jensen's family? Did they call?"

"Yeah, they’ve settled in the hotel and will be here in 15 minutes. Listen, Jared. Jensen... he is only hanging on his life by a thread, waiting to see his family one last time. Once they're gone... it might go fast."

Jared nods. He remembers his grandma, who only waited to see his mom one last time and died just one hour after they had left. But that doesn't make it easier to comprehend that Jensen might be gone forever in a few hours.

"I'll go back then. You know, Rich, I promised Jensen. I won't let him die alone."

~

"Hey Jen," Jared whispers, brushing his thumb over the sick man's forehead. "Your family is on their way, won't take long until they arrive. They're all looking forward to seeing you and being with you for a while. So you got to hold on, okay?"

Jensen's hand twitches but other than that, there is no reaction that the older man has heard or understood his boyfriend. Barely able to hold back his tears, Jared sits down next to his better half, taking his fragile hand in his own. Jensen looks uncommonly peaceful, chest rising and falling almost imperceptibly, even the taped eyelid not taking that expression away. He's been so scared of dying, but a few days ago, that changed.

Tears in his eyes, Jensen told Jared that he finally came to terms with his fears. He told him about that dream again, that dream Jensen had had over and over again in his life, and now, finally, he found the answer.

"I've had this dream again, Jay," he said and for the first time in weeks, Jensen's voice wasn't slurred but clear, like it was before the sickness took hold of him. "The one where I stand upon that cliff. Tonight though, it was different. I finally recognized the cliff. It was here. I recognized the voice. It was yours, Jay. And the feeling of loneliness and desperation was gone. Instead I felt safe and secure, peaceful and very well taken care of. Most importantly, though, I also understood what you said. You told me that there is no need to be afraid, that you will watch over me until it's over and that I'll always be a part of your life. And you promised me that once you're gone and we finally meet again, the forever we will get will be the longest ever. Now," Jensen announced bravely, "I am not scared any longer. I know that we will meet again and it gives me peace, makes me look forward to the time when we will be united once more, Jay."

"I'm looking forward to seeing you again, too, Jen," Jared whispers now, remembering the emotional night. "I hope it won't be too long. Can't wait for this forever to start."

Just as Jared wants to lean over and kiss the corner of Jensen's mouth, his cell rings. He wants to ignore it so badly but it could be important, something about his own family or his divorce. So he answers it.

"Yeah?"

"Jared? This is Sybil McNamara."

Jared feels so much gratitude towards the doctor. She's called almost every day since Jared brought Jensen to the sea, asking how Jensen is doing and how he is holding up.

"Hey Sybil."

"How's our patient, Jared?"

Jared sighs. "He's holding on but Richard", Jared gets up, moving away from the bed and over to the big French windows that lead out onto the patio, "he said it won't take long anymore. His family is on their way and he thinks - and I agree - that Jensen is only waiting for them before well, he lets go. He’s accepted it, Sybil."

Excepting the usual well-meant but still trite platitudes, Jared is surprised when Sybil changes the subject completely. "Listen, Jared, did you watch the news today?"

He isn't sure if he understood her correctly. "What? The news?"

"Yeah. The news."

"No, I'm sorry," he retorts. "You might remember that my boyfriend is dying and..."

Sybil doesn’t let Jared finish the sentence. "There's been a pile-up a couple of hours ago. Lots of fatalities. One of them was a bus full of people who came from a conference pro organ transplants."

Jared doesn't really want to because he's been disappointed before, but he can't help that the tiniest hope just returned to his heart. "Do you... Are you saying that you found a matching transplant for Jensen?"

"Yeah, it's looking really good, Jared."

"Oh my God...," he stammers.

"Listen Jared, I know you are too far away to make it in time, especially with the streets overloaded. I sent a helicopter, it should be with you in about 30 minutes. It also has the organ on board. It will bring Jensen to a hospital in Fresno, because the LA ones are hopelessly overfilled, especially the transplant teams and although the transport might take a little longer, in the end, it's still the faster alternative. The doctors there are prepared."

Jared seems completely confused. "Fresno... Oh my God..."

"Hey, Jared, I need you to focus here. Listen to me. I want to be honest with you. There is no guarantee. Neither that the organ is really a match, it could always be rejected, nor that Jensen, whose general condition is everything but fine, will make it through surgery. Your boyfriend is still far from being out of the woods, Jared. But I want you to focus and be there for Jensen and tell him. It's his last chance, you hear me? He needs to fight and if he does, I'm sure, he has a chance. He has something, someone to fight for, okay?"

"Yeah. Sure. Okay."

"Good. Now, let me talk to Richard. I need to give him a few instructions. And you should prepare Jensen for the transport. Most of all, Jared, make sure the helicopter has enough space to land."

"There should be," Jared notes, before he says goodbye, promising Sybil to call her as soon as he has any news. He calls Richard but doesn't even bother to explain, just hands him the phone before he rushes back to Jensen's side.

"Jensen?" He gently touches his boyfriend's cheek. "Wake up love." Only now Jared does notice that his face is tear-stained, but today, it's tears of hope.

A dark green eye, confused and tired, stares back at Jared. "Jay?"

"Sorry to wake you, honey. But I have news. Great news actually." A part of Jared knows, that the news that make him so happy are making someone else incredibly sad. The donor surely had family, maybe a wife and kids, someone who's grieving for him now, as much as Jared would grief for Jensen, if he wouldn't make it. Right now though, he can't allow himself to think about it, about the unfairness of the world, that someone had to die to give Jensen his life back.

"What happened?"

"Sybil called, Jen." Jared smiles and his eyes sparkle, like they haven't in a while. "She found a donor, Jen."

"Really?" Jensen doesn't seem to believe Jared, looking at him in astonishment.

"Yeah, really, Jen. Sybil is sending a helicopter, how cool is that, huh? It will take you to a hospital and they will check you up there and if everything's okay, you'll be in surgery soon."

"Surgery..." Jensen's eyes are suddenly blown with fear.

"I know, that scares you a little, Jen, but you don't need to be afraid. We'll all be with you in our thoughts and I'm sure, the transplant team is very skilled. You will make it, hon."

Someone's knocking on his front door, quite certainly Jensen's family, but Jared doesn't care. "You’ve got to promise me something, Jensen."

"Anything." A little smile twitches over Jensen's lips.

"You’ve got to hold on and fight. For me. For your family and for my family because we all love you so much Jensen, so much. And when you make it, when you're feeling better Jensen, I want you to marry me, okay? I want this. Forever with you. And if for whatever reasons God decides to take you away from me, I still want you to promise that we still will get this forever, like in your dream. Promise me."

"Kiss me, Jay." There's so much love in those few words and it's promise enough.

They kiss oh so gently and tenderly, warm lips pressed together, tips of tongues carefully moving along bottom lips, prodding each other, tasting each other.

Someone coughs behind them and Jared startles, looking in Alan's shocked face.

"Hi. Ummm. Hey," Jared babbles as Donna asks Alan not to make a scene, their dying son's sickroom certainly not the right place for it.

"I don't believe it." Alan's expression is really hard to read, but no matter the circumstances, he really doesn't look too happy. "How long?"

Jensen wants to defend them, but Jared doesn't let him. "Let me, Jen," he insists, taking Jensen's hand in his own, simply ignoring Alan's cold glare.

"Not that we owe you any explanation, Alan, because we're both grown-ups, Jensen and I, but in a way, it's since forever. And you simple have two options now. You can stay here with Jensen and support your son while he is fighting for his life or you can go and no matter whether Jensen survives the transplantation or not, you won't have a son any longer. It's up to you. You'll have your son, gay and in love with me and married to me or well, you won't. I'm sure I speak for both of us when I say that we'd prefer you in our lives, but we can also make it without you. Jensen here is a strong stubborn bastard. And he has me."

"And me," Mackenzie and Josh say at the same time, stepping closer to where Jared is standing.

"Jared, honey," Donna says, disrupting the weird silence. "Why are you talking about a transplant?"

"Oh yeah. Good news. They have found one. And the helicopter to fetch Jensen should be here," Jared glances onto his watch, "in about 10 minutes, I guess. Jensen has a chance to survive this. He will need his parents. So, are you with us?"

"Oh, of course I am, honey." Donna rushes over to her youngest boy's side. "I never really cared about Jensen being gay. And you are so good for him Jared, so good to him. Much better than Danneel or any other girl could have been."

Now it's only Alan standing in the door frame, alone, scratching his head, his face an unreadable grimace.

"Oh Alan," Donna pleads. "Come on. This is our baby we're talking about. Remember how much you loved Jensen when he was born? What a good kid he was? What a good kid he still is?"

"Mom," Jensen whispers. "It's okay."

"No baby, it isn't."

"Your mother is right, Jensen." Alan finally admits after the silence has stretched out over a few minutes and became heavier and heavier. "It isn't okay. Your way of life," he almost spits the words out, "is way beyond everything I believe in. I will never change my mind about that, Jensen. It's unnatural and a sin."

"Dad!" Mackenzie cries. "How can Jared and Jensen be a sin? Just look at them, how much they love each other? It's so beautiful, Dad!"

"Be quiet, Mac, don't interfere here," Alan tells his daughter off. "It is a sin. But your mother is right, Jensen. You are my son. You were a good kid. You still are. I respect and accept your relationship with Jared. But don't expect me to come to the wedding."

"Alan!" Donna shouts.

"That's enough, Donna. Listen, I think that helicopter is coming. I'm sure they need to prepare our son for the flight."

Before Jensen or Jared can argue, Alan is gone, Donna and Jensen's siblings following him with an apologetic look.

"Well, Jen, that wasn't too bad, was it?"

Weakly, Jensen shakes his head. "Nah, it wasn't."

"Richard?" Jared calls the nurse. "We should get Jensen ready for transport."

"They won't let me fly with you, Jensen, but I think they will allow Richard to and I'll try and hurry to see you before surgery and even if I won't make it in time, hon, I'll be there. Here," he points towards Jensen's heart, "and here," he points towards his own mind.

"I know."

"Good. Now don't be scared, Jen. We'll meet again."

"Promise?"

Jared can hear the helicopter landing and a minute later, two paramedics come into the room.

"Promise."

They talk to Jensen, explain who they are, how long the flight will take and what will happen and Jared just sits there, looking at his boyfriend, his eyes fixed on Jensen's.

"Okay, let's go," one of the paramedics announces.

"One moment," Jensen begs. "Jay?"

"Yeah?"

"Remember. Whatever happens. You'll always stay a part of my life."

Jared is crying and he isn't ashamed of it. "And you will always stay a part of mine. I love you, Jensen."

Jared still feels the soft press of Jensen's lips against his own once Josh is driving Jared’s car towards the hospital as fast as he can, trying hard to shorten the miles to Fresno that seem much too long.

~~~

Time passes differently. Jared can't tell if it's been hours or days as Josh drives over hills and through dales, the landscape changing as the miles pass, bringing him closer to Jensen. Eventually, Richard calls, telling Jared that they made it to Fresno without complications, that they're running tests on Jensen now and that he'll call again when he's in surgery.

Jared knows they won't make it in time. His boyfriend is alone, staring fearfully to the ceiling as they prepare him for the medical intervention and there's no kiss, no hand holding his and no voice calling his name, promising Jensen that everything will be okay. But Jared knows something else: Jensen is thinking of him just as much as Jared is thinking of Jensen and if that's all they can have for the time being, it's enough.

~~

Richard is waiting for Jared and Josh when they finally arrive at the hospital, leading them upstairs to the OR waiting area.

"How is he?" Jared asks as they wait for the elevator.

"Sorry, Jared," Richard indeed looks apologetically, "I don't know anything. They started about 2 hours ago, but Jared, it could take 6 to 8 hours, depending on the surgery's progress. They let me see Jensen before they prepared him and he seemed okay, a little scared but okay. He promised to hold on for you."

Speechless, Jared just nods, pacing the room for a while. He wordlessly accepts the steaming paper cup of coffee Richard offers him and when the nurse announces that he will see to booking a couple of hotel rooms for them all Jared only shrugs. He doesn't know what time it is and he doesn't care. Right now, sleep isn't important. The only thing that matters is keeping his promise: being with Jensen in his thoughts, with every breath he takes, with every time he closes his eyes, seeing his boyfriend laugh or talk in his memories and hopefully again in their future.

Some time later, the rest of the Ackles arrive. Donna insisted on packing some clothes for Jared and her boy as well as fetching their own luggage from the hotel and other than Jared, she forbade Mackenzie to break the speed limits, not wanting to risk being stopped by the police or even worse, an accident.

"Honey," Donna approaches Jared, "you should sit down. And grab a bite."

Jared just shakes his head. He didn't even notice that someone left and returned with burgers, fries and soda, so lost was he in his thought.

"Please," Jensen's mom presses. "You need something in your belly, Jared. You have to take care of yourself."

"Not hungry," he snaps, sorry for his inappropriate tone as he sees Donna flinch. "Sorry," he apologizes, running his hand over his tired features. "I'm just not hungry. I can't eat while Jensen... is in there," he points towards the door to the OR, "for all we know fighting for his life. And I just can't sit still." He feels like a wild animal in a too small cage.

"It's okay, honey. I understand. I really do. We all cope differently. But Jensen... once he wakes up, he will need you. He doesn't want his momma or his daddy or his siblings, he wants you. And believe me, Jared, recovery from a transplantation is no pony ride. So please, sit down, try to rest and have something to eat and drink."

Sighing, Jared gives in. Not because he is hungry, because he really isn't, but because Donna looks at him as worriedly as she has looked at her own son and even Jared has to admit that she is right. He will need strength. For Jensen.

Once he had the first bite of the burger, Jared notices that he really hasn't had anything to eat for a while and that he is far hungrier than he thought he was. Quite fast, burger and fries are gone and the cool coke washes the remains away, the caffeine vitalizing Jared a little. He tries to distract himself, reading one of the many magazines, but all the gossip about celebrities - there even is a tiny snippet reporting about Jensen being sick -, cars and home magazines are just too superficial for Jared right now.

More time passes and eventually - he must have fallen asleep, dreaming really weird stuff of Jensen he can't recall - a hand on his shoulder shakes him up and after a few blinks, Jared remembers where he is and why he is here, staring at a middle-aged man in scrubs.

"Donna?" He asks and he is trembling with anxiety, the dim light in the room too dark to read anything in the unknown man's face.

"This is Dr. Potter. He is the specialist who performed surgery on Jensen."

It's the moment of truth. Here, in that sterile, uncomfortable waiting room in Fresno, California, Jared will learn if he has any chance of having a future with his Jensen or if he left him while he was sleeping. "How is Jensen? Is he..."

Only now Jared notices that everyone is there and awake. Richard, sitting on an armchair, a little apart from the rest, Josh and Mackenzie, very pale, huddled together on a small sofa, Donna, sitting next to him and Jensen's dad, looking uncommonly thoughtful, his hands on his wife's shoulders.

Dr. Potter speaks loud enough that everyone can hear him even though he looks at Donna and Alan. "Mr. Ackles made it through surgery and the new organ is working but he isn't out of the woods yet. There have been complications and the next 48 hours will be particularly critical. There's risk of an infection and of his body rejecting the new organ."

Jared feels the weight being lifted from his shoulders and suddenly it looks like he can breathe again, like everything shifts back in place, where it belongs, even though Jared never noticed that something was off in the first place.

"What complications, Doctor?"

"There was a bleeding we had problems to stop. Your son lost a lot of blood, more than we could provide, the blood pressure sank below a critical point and he suffered a cardiac arrest."

"Jensen's heart stopped beating?" Jared feels his feet being swept away from under him and he is sure, if he were standing, he'd fall, so deep, into this dark hole.

"I'm sorry, but yes. We had to open his thorax to perform resuscitation so there will be additional therapy needed and a much longer recovery time but we are positive that there is no permanent damage."

Jared shivers. "Oh God..."

"I know that sounds serious, Mr Padalecki, and it is, but your friend has a chance here."

"How are his chances?" Alan dares to ask what everything is wondering about.

"It's hard to say. To be completely honest with you, Jensen's condition was poor. If he hadn't received the organ, he probably wouldn't have survived the next 48 hours. Liver transplantation is one of the most complicated and there are several post-operative risks. But Jensen is still young and he has something that is worth fighting for and his chances aren't too bad. I think 40/60."

Jared turns pale and suddenly he feels his dinner rising in his throat and his head spinning. "Only 40%," he stutters horrified before his stomach is churning and he throws up on the linoleum floor. 

Suddenly there are people surrounding him and he hears several voices calling and asking questions but it's all too much and the last thing Jared feels is himself slowly drifting away and everything becoming dark.

~~

Bones aching, lying in an unknown, hard bed and a weird, sterile scent in his nose, Jared is waking up. He blinks, once, twice, trice but as his eyes slowly adjust to the semi darkness, he can't tell where he is. There's a horrible taste in his mouth, his head is aching and his throat is dry like the desert. Frantically, his eyes move and fix on an empty visitor's chair and a hospital-like nightstand... Hospital... He's in a hospital...

Suddenly, his mind is flooded with memories. Jensen dying. Sybil calling. Fresno. The long ride. The even longer surgery. Dr Potter, telling them about the transplantation. There were complications. 40%... only 40% that his boyfriend makes it and that was only a guess.

"Jensen," Jared breathes out. "Oh God, Jensen." Jared feels panic rise in his chest. He doesn't know what time it is, how long he was out, where Jensen's family is and, most of all, he doesn't know how Jensen is doing, whether he is still alive, fighting, or whether he lost the battle. His heart is hammering faster and the monitor that checks his vitals starts beeping and as Jared is gasping and gasping for air, hospital staff comes rushing in, talking to him soothingly, injecting something into his arm.

Slowly, Jared feels himself calm down a little. 

"Jensen," he mutters again, because Jensen is the only thought in his mind. As long as Jensen is okay, Jared is, he just knows it.

"Please calm down, Mr. Padalecki. I'm Eva, your night nurse and the doctor who just left is Dr. Brown. He will go fetch Dr. Potter and he will tell you about your friend."

"Boyfriend," he corrects her, not even thinking about it.

She smiles kindly. "I always knew."

"Pardon?"

"I know it's not my place to say it, but I watched the show and well, I always suspected there was something more between yourself and Jensen, ah, Mr. Ackles."

Jared can't suppress a little chuckle. Were they really so obvious?

"Call me Jared. And Jensen... well, Jensen. You're a fan. Our fans always were like family."

She blushes deeply. "Thank you, Jared. I'll go fetch Dr. Potter for you."

She's almost out of the door when Jared remembers something. "Eva?"

"Yes?"

"You said you were the night nurse? How long was I out? Just a bit I hope?"

Insecurely, she bites her lower lip. "Em, no, I'm sorry, Jared. You almost slept 24 hours."

"So long... Oh God... Jensen."

"Please, calm  down. They gave you something to help you recover and sleep. You needed the rest. You were dehydrated and exhausted but as soon as your circulation is back up, you should be okay. Don't worry."

Before Jared can ask anything else, Eva is gone.

~

Fingers tapping nervously against the side of his hospital bed, Jared is waiting for Dr. Potter 's arrival. It's been over an hour since Eva has brought him some beverage and told him that she has informed the doctor, but it might take a while. Again, Jared has no real concept of time. He knows that more than 60 minutes passed, because he can't stop glancing at his watch over and over again, but one minute seems to stretch like a life-time as Jared is imagining horrible scenarios about what might have happened to Jensen. He tries to shake them off, for both of their sakes, but the longer it takes, the twitchier Jared gets.

Finally, there is a short knock on the door and before Jared can even say anything, Dr. Potter steps in. He looks tired. Jared doesn't envy him for his job. His huge responsibility.... It's ridiculous, just thinking about the load of money he and Jensen made with acting, doing nothing much but act, compared to this man, whose skills decide about life and death, and his earnings, that are quite certainly only a little percentage of what they made a year.

"Mr. Padalecki, I hope you're doing better." He welcomes Jared, flashing a quick smile.

"Yeah. Thanks for your concern. But it isn't my condition I wanted to talk to you about."

The doctor nods. "Of course not. I understand you want to know about your friend."

"Jensen's more than my friend," Jared explains, seeing the doctor raise an eyebrow in surprise, "but yeah, please tell me how he is. I'm deeply worried."

"Jensen is considerably well."

"Is he awake yet?" Jared just has to know, wants to look into those eyes again, kissing Jensen and wants to be kissed in return.

"No, he isn't . We put Jensen in an artificial coma." Jared gasps in shock and the doctor explains. "There's nothing to worry about, Jared. It's standard procedure. It helps Jensen to completely concentrate on healing and believe me, there is a lot to heal. But like I said, he is doing fine. The new liver is working and there is no infection, thank god. Like I said yesterday, the first 48 hours are the most critical, so we still have to worry for another day, but at the moment, it's looking really good."

Jared lets out a deep long breath he has been holding. "How long will Jensen stay in the coma? And what is there to expect if he makes it?"

"I can't tell you a date for when Jensen will wake up, that's up to him and his recovery. Afterwards, he has to stay in ICU for a couple of more days and maybe, in around two weeks time, we can think about a transfer back to LA. And then... well, it will take a while. A long while, Jared. He might experience side-effects from the immunosuppressants, tiredness, weakness. Don't expect him to be up and about tomorrow. At first, it won't make any difference. Jensen is still a sick man. He will need your help during recovery."

Jared must look as disheartened as he feels because Dr. Potter touches him lightly on his shoulder. "I know it sounds difficult and it will be but once your partner is over the worst he has a real good chance of making a full recovery."

"Chance?" Jared is shocked. He knows he should be grateful that Jensen gets this chance in the first place but he has to admit, he was naive. He honestly expected Jensen to make a full recovery, never doubted it.

"The Wil son's disease is healed with the new liver and therefore all symptoms of the cirrhosis, such as the pain in his limbs. The spider naevi might take months, even years, to completely fade away. What I'm actually not sure about is the neurological symptoms. The human body... it's still a big secret for us doctors, Jared. We learn more about it day by day, but especially the brain and the nerves... I've never treated a patient with Wilson's disease before, so I don't have any experience but I think in the course of time, the neurological symptoms might go away or become less frequent. I can't promise you anything Jared, but if Jensen makes it, he has a chance to make a full recovery and to have a normal and fulfilled life."

"Thank you, doc. For everything. I think you saved Jensen's life."

"Yeah, well. Maybe. But actually, the poor bastard who died in that horrible car crash and donated his liver saved Jensen's life."

Jared nods. He would love to say thank you to his family, but he isn't sure if they will be able to find out anything about them at all and actually, right now, it's not his first priority. His only thoughts are for Jensen, and while he will include the poor man's family in his prayers, he will mainly pray for his friend, for a fair chance of recovery and their chance of forever.

~~~

The sound of the ventilator is steady and, in a weird way even calming as Jared breathes in and out with each beep, his chest rising and falling as imperceptibly as Jensen's. The older man's drug-induced sleep is deep and quiet. Other than after Jensen has gotten the shattering diagnosis, there are no moans or whimpers and only once in a while a soft flutter of long eyelashes against freckled, too pale cheeks or a barely visible jerk of his lips. Jared wonders if his boyfriend is dreaming or aware of his presence, if he feels the light, gentle pattern Jared draws absentmindedly onto the back of Jensen's hand or hears his voice telling him about this and that. He hopes Jensen does, draws strength from the knowledge that Jared is here with him.  
  
"Jared." Dr. Potter enters the room, greeting Jared with a short nod as he walks over to Jensen's bed and picks up the chart with the patient's information, scanning it quickly.  
  
"How is Jensen, Doc?" Awaiting the doctor's verdict on his boyfriend's condition, Jared looks up at him expectantly, only to face the always so neutral, barely readable mask of professionalism.  
  
"Good, Jared. Better than I expected, actually. Jensen's vitals are good, there's no sign of infection or out of the ordinary data. We can wake him up, soon."  
  
Jared beams. "Really?"  
  
"Really. But don't expect any miracles, Jared. It will take a while until Jensen is fully awake and aware of his surroundings and then a long process of healing will start. Neither the transplantation nor the opening of the thorax are easy to overcome."  
  
Whenever Jared hears what Jensen is facing his heart is heavy but he doesn't complain. "I know. I don't expect him to climb any mountains soon. Actually, I am grateful enough that there will be a recovery. A week ago... Jensen was prepared to die and I was prepared to lose him. So, the prospect of a future together with Jensen, even though it might be hard and painful at first? It's a gift."  
  
"That's the right attitude!" the doctor praises Jared with unusual enthusiasm. "I'm sure you will both profit from it." He flashes a genuine smile at Jared. "But no matter what, your visiting time is long over and Jensen still needs his rest."  
  
"Sorry," Jared mutters. "The time always flies by so fast."  
  
"No need to apologize. I know that the time limit is hard for the families but once Jensen is awake again you can see him more often."

~~

Playing nervously with his fingers, Jared waits for Jensen to wake up. It has been hours since Jensen got the last dose of the sedative that put him in the coma but he is still sleeping. The only signs of Jensen's slow waking are a more frequent flutter of his eyelids and an occasional twitch of his hands, sometimes even a weak whimper. It makes Jared wonder if his boyfriend is in pain or dreaming badly and whenever one of these wounded noises escapes from the depth of Jensen's body, Jared reaches out, brushing his fingers over the fine hair on the other man's lower arm, soothing him with gently whispered words.

The Ackles' take it in turn to wait with Jared. Mostly, it's Donna who bears Jared silent company, but sometimes it's also Josh and once, even Jensen's dad. It's weird for Jared, watching over his better half with Alan sitting next to him. The older man doesn't say a word, doesn't look at Jared any other way than neutral, but whenever Jared reaches for contact with his boyfriend, Jared feels Alan's awkwardness and he wonders if it will ever get better, if maybe, one day, for the sake of his son, Alan can accept Jensen's way of life after all.

~

Of course Jensen chooses to wake up in the few minutes Jared needs to take a leak.

There's no difference in Jensen's sleep when Jared heads out of the ICU room but when he returns, there are excited voices calling from Jensen's room. His heart seems to skip a beat and then Jared is running, almost tumbling into the room filled with Dr. Potter and several nurses, busily working like bees. There's no chance to get anywhere near Jensen's bed and so all Jared can do is fix his gaze on his boyfriend's face, whose tired eyes are heavy and only half opened, moving unfocused from left to right. They get wide awake though once Jensen is aware of the fact that he isn’t breathing on his own and there is a moment of panic in his eyes, weak fingers scratching feverishly over the sheets, hurting, choked noises escaping his mouth.

A few explanations, a deep intake and a cough later though the tube is gone, Jensen's face now a mask of pain. That's when Jared finally can push his way through the hospital staff, hurrying over to his boyfriend's side.

"H ey Jen," Jared whispers and he isn't ashamed that his eyes glisten with moisture as he is finally fixing his glance on his sick and tired, but luckily alive boyfriend.

Jensen moves his chapped lips almost imperceptibly but nothing comes out but a weak croak.

"It's okay, Jen, don't overexert yourself."

"Here, take these and moisten his lips a little," Millie, one of the nurses, explains as she hands Jared a bowl of small ice-cubes.

Mouthing a "thank you", Jared takes the bowl and one of the ice-cubes, gently moving it along Jensen's lips until the tip of Jensen's tongue appears, licking it away and Jared pushes the remains of the cube in Jensen's mouth.

"Just let it melt, Jen."

Jared watches his boyfriend swallow, his green eyes dropping closed only to be opened again every few seconds.

"Heaven?" Jensen asks eventually, so quietly that Jared hardly hears it. "Dead?"

The unexpected question unsettles Jared and he finds himself burying his head in his hands, taking in deep breaths as the waves of pain and grief but also of happiness and relief swap over him, again and again.

"Jared?" It's Millie who brings him back, gently touching him on the shoulder and offering him a glass of Soda that Jared accepts gratefully. His hands, Jared only notices now, are shaking and wet with tears.

"No," Jared whispers. "Heaven decided that you still have something to do here on Earth. They want us to have that really long forever. So no, you're not dead, Jen and if you take good care of yourself," Jared sniffs, wiping the tears away from his eyes, "you won't die for a very long time."

"Not dead?" Jensen tries hard to comprehend what Jared told him, his eyes moving over the sterile room, fixing on his own chest in the end, completely wrapped in startling white gauze. "What happened?"

"You had surgery, Jen. They found a matching transplant."

"Oh," he says in amazement. "Hurting."

Jared brushes his fingers through Jensen's hair and over his pale cheek. "I bet you are. It was a major surgery, Jen. It might hurt a while. But the nurses, your family and I will take good care of you and soon you'll be running marathons again."

"Never did."

"Yeah, that's right, love. That was me."

"Tired, Jay," Jensen mutters sleepily.

"Course you are. Just go back to sleep. I'll be here."

"Forever?"

"Forever."

**Part V**

**Always & Forever**

**15**

Still like a statue, Jensen is standing in front of the big French windows, staring into the night, down the hills and over the millions of sparkling lights of LA. He's been quiet the whole day, barely speaking a dozen words, only listlessly picking at his food, just too lost in his thoughts.

Jared can't blame him. Coming home to a place where Jensen never thought to step foot again, after long months of painful recovery in hospital and rehab, after setbacks and tears, must be a big step. So, it's no surprise that Jensen has been distant the whole day, from the early morning hours, when Jared picked him up at the rehab center, during the ride home until now as the night embraces them. Jared can only imagine what is going on in his boyfriend's mind and he would love Jensen to share it with him, but he doesn't push. He's there, always present, but not hovering, understanding that it might take Jensen a while to confide in him.

"Jen? Want to come to bed? I'm tired." With his big brown puppy eyes, that even after more than a decade haven’t lost their effect, Jared looks in Jensen's direction but his boyfriend doesn't even turn around, his gaze fixed on God knows what.

"Nah. If you don't mind, I will just stand here and enjoy the view for a few minutes. Just go ahead."

Biting his lower lip, Jared closes his eyes for a moment, trying hard to repress the disappointment that bubbles in his belly. The old Jensen would have asked Jared to stay. The new Jensen though reminds him much more of the person Jensen used to be when they first met, distant, insecure and very contemplative. Swaying a little, weighing his options, Jared scolds himself for his thoughts. It's unfair, differentiating between the old and the new Jensen. It was to expect that a near-death experience leaves some scars, not only the ones on his chest Jensen is still too shy to show Jared.

"Want me to keep you company?" A no will disappoint Jared even more, a yes could be a step together in the right direction.

Jensen shows no sign that he even heard Jared's question and heart heavy, Jared decides to leave, but when he is almost out of the living-room, Jensen finally answers, "Yeah. Would be nice."

A stone Jared hadn't even realized he was carrying around in the first place rolls of his shoulder and, switching off the light, hoping to make it easier for his boyfriend, he moves over to where Jensen is standing. It's impressive, Jared notices, that someone who had seizures and trembled so heavily that he couldn't eat on his own can stand still as a stone now, without so much as blinking.

"There is something you should know, Jared." It sounds serious and Jared feels his heart sink. "It will hurt you but we were always honest with each other and you should know."

"Jensen? What is it?" There is a very uneasy feeling in Jared's gut with a couple of scenarios running through his mind, one worse than the other.

"In rehab there were times when... when I wasn't sure if I still loved you."

Jared squeezes his eyes shut, hard, in an unsuccessful attempt to shield himself from the pain that threatens to overwhelm him.

"I had countless therapy sessions and Patrick, he made me talk about everything and there sometimes were moments when I was utterly confused, Jared. I doubted simply everything, myself in the first place, my parents, my career choice and... you. I was hurting and lonely and wished that someone was there but no one was and the meds Jared, they got me all confused and worried with their side effects and my weak immune system and the bigger risk on getting sick with cancer and... I was wondering if you'd do it again, you know, take care of me and stay with me until I died, and..."

"Hey, Jensen, stop it" Jared exclaims in frustration. "I’m having problems following you here."

"I’m having problems following myself here as well, Jared." Jensen sighs. "It's so hard to put my thoughts into words."

Massaging his forehead, Jared finds himself torn. He wants Jensen to talk to him and what he just said really hurt, but on the other hand, he's tired after a six-hour drive and all the worries in the last year.

"Listen, Jen. I really want you to know that you can talk to me about all your feelings and worries and shit. Whatever is on your mind. And well, that also is if you decide that," Jared swallows deeply, only whispering the last words, "you don't love me anymore and want to break up. Because no matter what, I'll never stop being your friend. But I'm really not sure if it's the right time now. It was a very emotional day for both of us and yeah, we just, should go to sleep."

"But..." Jensen protests, even as Jared shakes his head.

"Just tell me, so that I know whether I have to crash in the guest room or not, do you still love me? Enough? For a bit of snuggling and hand holding and kissing and, well, making out and eventually..."

"Yeah." Jensen cuts Jared's babbling off.

"What?"

"I said yeah. I still love you enough. That's what I wanted to tell you from the beginning. I had doubts, Jared. But I overcame them. I still love you more than my own life, like I always did."

His boyfriend's words send a flood of relief through Jared's body, making him sway a little, leaning into Jensen's space. "Your own life," Jared whispers contemplatively, more to himself than to Jensen. "Do you mean that? After almost dying? After being so scared to go?"

Jensen moves a little, his shoulder touching Jared's. "Yeah. I mean it. I was scared because... I didn't want to leave you behind. Who else but me can take care of my goofy boyfriend?"

Chuckling, Jared leans even closer, his arm wrapping around Jensen's waist. He's careful, only  lightly touching him on the side, not coming near the scars Jensen claims are still sensitive and sore sometimes. "No one could, Jen. And because you take care of me so well," Jared's voice shifts into a whisper, "I really think we should go to bed. The last four months were not only lonely for you, Jen."

"Yeah, I know."

Wrapping his hand around Jensen's wrist, his thumb pressed against his pulse-point, Jared gently tugs him upstairs and into the master bedroom. The bunch of deep red roses Jared bought the day before to welcome his boyfriend home is still fresh, a stark contrast against the white wall, giving off a pleasant light flowery smell. Jensen acknowledges them with his eyes getting a bit wider and a little smile dancing over his lips.  
  
Letting go of Jensen's hand to give him the free choice where to dress, Jared heads to his side of the bed, rummaging around the drawers for a pair of fresh boxers. He tries hard not to look what Jensen is doing but he can hear him moving around, fetching some clothes from his own closet before the ajar door of the en-suite bathroom is closed.  
  
Patiently, Jared lies down on the covers, listening to the noises Jensen makes in the bathroom. Feet shuffling over tiles and the soft bathroom carpet, water thundering down from the shower for minutes, even the soft sound of a towel being rubbed over skin. More water, now flowing into the basin as Jensen is brushing his teeth and rinsing his month and eventually, the door being opened again.  
  
Hair sticking in all directions and face flushed from the heat in the bathroom, wearing boxers and a tight tee, Jensen looks adorable. The tee though has a barely there neckline, not showing an inch of the scar Jared knows goes from Jensen's collarbone down his chest. Not that he has ever seen or touched it. Jared sighs. He really wishes his Jensen wouldn't be so self-conscious about that. Jared doesn't care about his scars, doesn't care that they disfigure Jensen's once so perfect upper body. For Jared, Jensen is perfect nonetheless and the scars are just what make him so special, what mark Jensen as a fighter.  
  
"Took you long enough," Jared teases before he gets up from the bed to pee and brush his teeth.  
  
Once he returns, Jensen already made himself comfortable. He has buried himself deep into the pillows and, audibly breathing in the scent of fresh linens, flowers and them, looks more content than Jared has seen him in a while.  
  
"It's good to be home, Jay," Jensen mutters as Jared huddles under the covers.  
  
Darkness swallows them as Jared turns off the light but after he's blinked a few times, the light filtering through the shutters from outside is enough to spot Jensen's form.  
  
"It's good to have you back, Jen," Jared replies, sliding closer to his boyfriend. He hesitates for a second before he rests his hand on Jensen's side, carefully moving it over the soft fabric of the tee towards his chest.  
  
The slight twitch of muscles beneath his fingertips comes with a hitched breath. "Does it hurt?"  
  
"Sometimes. The pain inside though...". Jensen doesn't complete his thoughts, it's neither the time nor the place to talk about that yet.  
  
Jared stops his movement when he feels it, the steady beat of Jensen's heart. He places his hand there widely, thumb stroking over the tee. A shiver runs through him when he bears in mind that this heart stopped beating for a while and that he was just a glimpse of an eye away from losing Jensen.  
  
"I'm sorry." Jared doesn't even know what for, maybe for everything that has happened to his boyfriend, ever. For his dad's homophobia, for Tony and Martin, for the things he himself did to Jensen, abandoning him in a way, choosing Genevieve, but most of all, for his illness and his pain and doubts and dark thoughts.  
  
"Don't be, hon. I should be, for bringing that upon you."  
  
"Oh no, Jensen! I'm glad I had the chan ce to help, that you let me, didn't push me away. But let's not talk about it any longer, Jen. I think we both... we give and take, all the time. That's what friends, what partners, what lovers do. There is no reason for apologies and thank yous. "  
  
Jared can't tell if Jensen's content "mmmm" is acknowledging, inquiring or contemplative and he doesn't really care. All that matters is that they are good and still together after the hell of a ride the last years have been.  


~~~  
  


"Everything okay?" Jared asks nervously as Jensen exits Dr McNamara's door where he just got the results of his monthly tests and screenings. Since the surgery, since Jensen has to take pills to  suppress his immune system, Jared is always worried that his friend will catch something. Not just a cold or stomach bug but something nasty, as nasty as cancer. He therefore insists on Jensen not missing his regular doctor's appointment and also agreed to having himself screened regularly, just to give Jensen the feeling of not being the fragile one, who he isn't anyways.  
  
"Healthy as an ox. Or at least, as someone with a liver transplant can be." A real broad smile forms on Jensen's lips, carving his crow feet even deeper into the skin around his eyes.  
  
"Great! Then let’s go out to celebrate!" Jared grabs his boyfriend's wrist, tugging him with him down the corridor.  
  
"What? Hey! Why?"  
  
"Well, first of all, everyone is allowed to have fun, once in a while. Even you, Jensen. Secondly, it's sort of your birthday."  
  
"Birthday? Doofus. Last I looked it wasn't March."  
  
Jared rolls his eyes. "It's been seven months since you were given your life back. For me, that's a reason to celebrate."  


"You even celebrate Fridays," Jensen notes, winking at his boyfriend in amusement but turns serious once he notices that Jared doesn't smile. "Sorry Jay, I shouldn't have said that. I appreciate that you remembered it. Especially because I didn't. It's not that I don't remember, because well, I do all the time. Isn't hard when your body reminds you each time you look into the mirror." Jensen shrugs, fixing his glare on his shoes as they're waiting for the elevator. "But you know, in a way, I don't want it to be remembered. I know it was a good thing, but... it feels so weird, celebrating that someone had to die to let me live and I really really would have preferred not getting sick in the first place and..."  
  
"Hey, it's oka y," Jared comforts his boyfriend, gently touching his arm. "Sorry for being an insensitive asshole. I sometimes forget what it must be like for you and well, just remember what I felt."   
  
"Don't worry about that, Jay. I know you mean well. And I'm not sure you can understand what I feel like, how torn I am sometimes... but well, that's only me and eventually, I will manage. So umm, anyways, is there another reason to celebrate?"  
  
"Maybe," Jared says conspiratorially.   
  
"Maybe? Why maybe?"  
  
"Well," Jared grins, "it depends."  
  
Finally, the elevator stops at their floor, luckily empty. "On what?" Jensen asks all curious and Jared can't repress a little chuckle.  
  
"On whom," Jared explains matter-of-factly.  
  
The older man looks puzzled. "Whom?"   
  
"Yep." Jared grins more broadly. "It actually depends on you."  
  
"Why does it depend on me?" Jensen asks as he hurries along next to Jared through the parking garage.  
  
Jared winks mischievously. "Wait and see."  
  
"Wait? What?" Jensen stutters.  
  
Jared just grins as he unlocks his car and only once he starts the engine Jensen joins him, face a puzzled mask.  
  
"It's a surprise, Jensen and I'm sure, you don't want me to spoil it."  
  
He doesn't give away anything else as he cruises through the city, deftly weaving through the traffic, making good pace.  
  
"Hey what? Where are we going? That's not the way back home."  
  
"Oh yes, it is."  
  
"No, it isn't." 

Jared hears when it finally sinks in where he is driving to when Jensen takes a deep breath. "Ohh.. I haven't been there..."  
  
"For exactly seven months, hon. I think it's time to return."  
  
"Wow...I don't.... Jared, I don't know if I can."  
  
"Yeah, I know. But we all have to face our fears. And you'll be fine, I promise."  
  
Jensen seems unsure about that, looking feverishly for a reason to return to safe ground, to a place that doesn't remind him so much of his sickness and death than Jared's little place by the sea. "What about... luggage... my pills... Sadie."  
  
"Everything is taken care of. Don't worry."  
  
"But.."  
  
´"Listen Jen. If you really don't want to go, then okay, I will turn around and drive you home. But... it's a beautiful place, no matter what memories live there and we can make better memories again. I love you much more than that house so if you don't want to be there, I will give it to my siblings and will never set foot in it again but...." Jared shrugs. There's no need to say anything else, Jensen knows what it's about.  
  
"I'm not sure, Jay. I know it's unreasonable but..."  
  
"Stop it, Jen. Don't torture yourself. What about a compromise? I drive there, you get out and if you can't set foot in it well, we'll stay the night in town and drive home tomorrow and I promise, you never have to see the house again, okay?"  
  
Jensen sighs but nods. "Yeah. That sounds fair."

Jared cheers inwardly. He knows he has won.

"Jay?" Jensen asks after a couple of miles. "How do you know about... well me being," Jensen blushes, "sort of scared of returning? I never mentioned anything."

"I'm an all-knowing oracle," Jared deadpanns but gets serious when he sees Jensen's disapproving face. "Okay... honestly. Remember that one time back in rehab when I told you I'd stay the week at the sea? Well, your look. It said more than a thousand words and gave me a clue. And well, you talk in your sleep, Jen."

"Shit..." Jensen calls out, beating his hand against his forehead. "Sorry, I didn't know. I ummm"

"Hey, nothing to be sorry about. You can't help it and with the trauma... I really don't blame you. And it's not that you tell stories while you're sleeping, it's just bits and pieces, sometimes even funny stuff... You quote things from old  _Supernatural_ scripts sometimes... But well, you also mumbled something about a cliff and a house and a Reaper, more than once and that made it more than clear."

Jensen doesn't say anything anymore, tapping his fingers against the glove box, wondering what other secrets and fears he spilled while sleeping.

"Jen? Don't worry about it. You never said anything embarrassing, okay? But if you want to, I promise to wake you up when it happens again or well, if you mind so much, I sleep in the guest room."

"No!" Jensen exclaims. "Don't even think about moving out. I'm actually sleeping much better with you by my side." He turns an adorable shade of pink and ruffles through his hair as if he could brush the embarrassment away.

"Me too, Jen," Jared confesses, feeling for Jensen's hand without taking his eyes off the busy road, squeezing it once he finds it. "Much better."

~~  
  


"Here we are," Jared announces to his napping boyfriend as he drives up the graveled path to his property, his cheerful tone waking Jensen up.  
  
Rubbing his eyes adorably, Jensen looks out of the window, at the bushes that fringe the path and the house in the distance. It's completely submerged in the golden evening sun, looking peaceful and enchanted with the startling blue sky in the background.  
  
"It's beautiful", Jensen admits.  
  
"Yeah. That's why you wanted to die here, Jensen," Jared says softly and for a moment the memories threaten to overwhelm him, of Jensen, weak and sick, lying in his living-room, telling him that he's been dreaming of Death more and more often and that he will reap him soon. "That's also," he swallows hard, fighting back the tears, "why I want to start our new life here."  
  
The car rolls to a halt and Jared gets out, around the car to open Jensen's door. For a while Jensen stays in the car, eyes staring in the distance, not really acknowledging his boyfriend's presence.  
  
"Jensen?" Jared's voice is gentle, not pushing. "Are you ready?" He holds out his hand and Jensen takes it. It trembles slightly but Jared holds on tight, gently drawing his boyfriend in his arms where he just holds him for a while.

Jared lets go and moves a few steps towards the house, Jensen hesitantly following him. He even looks kind of ashamed, being scared to return to the place but he can't help it.

"Come on, Jen. It doesn't bite. It's just a house. Bricks and mortar and..."

"Memories, Jay. It's where I almost died." He sniffs. "If I had... would you have been able to return?"

Jared raises his brow. "Yeah, I think so. I think I would have felt closer to you, hoping that, you know, your spirit is still there."

"We did  _Supernatural_ way too long." Jensen laughs.

"Yeah, maybe. But..." He wants to prompt Jensen about him seeing Death but doesn't want to remind his boyfriend and so he just shrugs, moving towards the small path that leads around the house.

The gavel crunches beneath his and Jensen's feet, telling Jared without looking over his shoulder that his boyfriend is following him.

"What do you remember of seven months ago, Jen?" Jared asks as Jensen finally joins him at the wooden fence that parts them from yards of nothingness and depth.

"Not much. Everything's still so blurred. I remember you, probably telling me about surgery and my family. I think they were there to see me one last time."

"Yeah, they were, Jen. Something else?" He isn't sure if he should be disappointed that Jensen can't remember Jared's half-proposal.

Jensen shrugs. "I don't know. I'm sorry, Jay. I was always so tired, even when I was awake, and so weak. And scared, Jared. So scared."

"It's okay, Jen. You know, that day, I made you promise something. I made you promise to hold on and fight. And you did, Jensen, because you're here by my side and as healthy as you can be."

"But?" Jensen looks at him questioningly.

"But you also promised me something else. And I'd like you to promise me again."

"What, Jay?"

Even before he speaks, Jared feels his eyes fill with tears. It's much more emotional than the first proposal, because then, he was just scared, didn't really realize what he was saying. And it beats the engagement with Genevieve because, well, it's Jensen, his Jensen, the man who completes him, who really is that part of his life that will never leave him, no matter what happens. "I love you, Jensen. It took me way too long to realize and even longer to say it. A lot of things came between us: our job, my wife, your health... simply life. But after all these twists and turns I know one thing for sure, Jen." He takes a deep breath, playing with the golden engagement band in his pocket. "I want to spend the rest of my life with you and eternity, if possible. Please marry me."

Cheeks flushed, Jensen is looking at Jared with big, surprised eyes, his fingers pinching into the railing. Jared can only imagine the thoughts or memories that are running through his boyfriend's mind, the things that brought them here, onto this cliff at the edge of the sea: the first handshake, the first hug, their fist kiss, hours and hours of sharing their lives, of laughter and tears. Jared remembers many things himself so well, the good ones but the bad ones as well.

Jensen is smiling and Jared can almost see his facade crumbling down, the doubt and burden and insecurity being lifted off his shoulders as the older man is literally glowing. He knows the answer before Jensen's breathes it, three little letters with a meaning as big as the universe. As the word is still standing between them, binding them together, Jared slips the ring onto Jensen's finger, kissing his hand gently before he wraps him into a very strong arm while the other gently trails over Jensen's cheek, coming to rest exactly on the spot where one of the red spiderwebs is still marking his skin.

The kiss is soft and gentle, lazy and loving, conveying everything they feel, everything they are thanks to the help of the other. Jared doesn't even hear the thundering ocean any longer, doesn't feel the wind on his bare arms anymore. All he feels, all he hears, is Jensen, is him, is them, breathing, sighing, moaning, their hearts beating as one.

"I love you," Jensen gasps once Jared lets go of him for a second to catch a bit of air himself before he catches those rosy, puffy lips with his own again. "Sorry," kiss, "for ever," another sweep of tongue against lips, leading to another kiss, "doubting you".

Jared smiles against his fiance’s mouth. "Don't be sorry. Never be sorry for what you feel and are, Jen." He underscores his words with another kiss before he lets go, hands moving along the thin form of Jensen's body, encircling his waist in the end.

"Are you ready, Jen, to face your past and come home with me?"

"I am. Though I not only want to face our past, Jay. I want to face our future."

Deep dimples cutting into Jared's cheeks as he smiles, he sweeps Jensen into his arms, picking him up. Ignoring his fiance's very girly screams, laughing loudly, he carries Jensen back to where he came from and carries him over the threshold of their home where future and past are embracing them.

**16**

"To Jared and Jensen!" Chris shouts out, raising his glass of champagne and draining it in one deep, long, gulp.

Their other friends repeat the toast, grinning at the men wildly who only have eyes for their better half.

"That's disgusting," Steve teases them. "Look at you. Like 15-year-old girls. Goggling and snuggling and hand-holding." He points towards Jared's and Jensen's intertwined fingers.

"Awww, I think they are gorgeous," slobbers Danneel. "Just really look at them. Jen never looked at me that way."

"Well, you were only his beard," Jason puts in his two cents. "Never his big gay crush." He grins broadly.

"Sorry Danni", Jensen says, blowing her a kiss. "You were a good wife. A good friend. But Jason is right. I think there will never be anyone I love as much as Jay." His voice changes into a whisper, the words only for Danneel to hear, but it's no good, somehow it's still loud enough for Steve and Jason to catch.

Steve acts like he's vomiting and even Jason can't keep from rolling his eyes but Danneel, hopelessly romantic like so many other women, almost squees and starts talking about the wedding.

"Stop it, Danni." Jared laughs as he sees their friends’ horror-stricken faces. "This is not the right time and place for something like this. And you should better call my mom anyways. I bet she'll be glad to plan the big gay wedding with you."

Misha and Chris mouth an inaudible "thank you" at him and Jared deftly changes the subject to something quite different, asking Danneel about her newest projects to distract her.

"What about you?" she asks eventually. "Any projects?"

"I won't," Jensen announces. "Neither acting nor directing. Too stressful and risky for my weak immune system."

"That what the doctors say?" Misha asks curiously.

Jensen shakes his head. "Nah. That's what I say. I cheated death once... I really don't intend to give it a second try. I'm thinking about producing or maybe even script writing. Roles Jared could play." He grins dirtily, giving Jared some idea what the roles would be like.

"Oh, I wouldn't mind that." Jared wiggles his brows.

"So, you return to acting?"

"Yep Chris. But not frequently. As much as I loved  _Supernatural_ , I never want to have such a work load again. Jensen's and my priorities are clear: we come first, then comes family and friends and work, well, it's the least important."

"Good for you!" Jason calls. "Just promise to share your hubby once in a while for a jam session."

Jared grins widely. "I think I can arrange that."

The banter goes on and on, yakking about all sorts of things and the longer the night, the more drunk their friends are. Only Jared and Jensen stay sober. Jensen, because he is scared he might damage his liver with alcohol, only having sipped at his champagne, and because his meds don't agree with alcohol too well and Jared out of respect for Jensen's abstinence. They don't mind. They're not 25 anymore, don't need alcohol to have fun and actually enjoy to watch how silly their buddies get the more drunk they are.

"What do you think?" Jared leans over to his boyfriend, lips touching his earlobe, words only breathed. "Want to go home?"

"Oh yeah." Jensen’s eyes are dark and make Jared feel all giddy.

"Guys," he knocks onto the table, "we're going home. The tab's been taken care of, so don't worry about that and have fun."

Steve whistles. "You have good fun, you two love-birds."

"Good Night, honey," Danneel pipes, swaying a lot as she gets up to give her ex-husband a huge hug. "I'm so happy for you," she hiccups, but it makes Jensen smile nevertheless.

Waving into the round, the happy couple leaves the bar, taking deep gulps of fresh air after the stench of food, beer and cigarettes in there.

"Thanks Jay," Jensen leans over to kiss his fiancé on the cheek, "for this celebration. I didn't even notice how much I've missed this. I've been a real hermit in the past weeks."

"Hey, that's fine. Nobody blames you. You went through a load of shit, Jen and nobody expects you to bounce back from that at once. It takes time."

"I was a fucking hermit, Jay!"

Jared laughs. "Yeah, you were. Distant, kind of... untouchable, sometimes. Even I had problems to read what's going on in that pretty head of yours. I felt like being back in 2005 when you still had so many secrets." The comment makes Jensen huff. "But it's only two months and a bit since I brought you home, Jen. There's a lot to heal, and I'm really not talking about your scars." He gently lets his hand run over Jensen's chest.

"I'm really lucky, you know, Jay?" He leans against the side of Jared's car, looking upwards into the sky, the stars clearer than in LA.

"Are you?" Jared isn't sure about it. Jensen might have had a great job, admiration, fans and money and a handful of faithful friends but apart from that... "Live hasn't been too kind."

"No, it hasn't. My dad - God, he will freak out when I tell him we're now officially engaged - Tony raping me, Martin beating me up. Then all the shit with the bearding and you... well, falling for Gen. And last but not least almost dying but still, I'm the luckiest man alive. You know why?"

"Because you have the most awesome boyfriend ever?" Jared moves closer as he says that, bracing both his arms on either side of Jensen.

"I have." Simultaneously, both lean over to catch the others lips in a kiss. This time, it's hungry, heated and dirty, giving Jared a hard on just as he listens to their moans as their crotches rub against each other and their hands roam hungrily over flushed skin.

"It's been too long," Jared breathes into Jensen's mouth as he licks the remains of the salt from the fries away. Until now, Jensen has always shied away, even as the light was switched off and Jared couldn't see a bit of his body. Jared had his right hand, his imagination and most of all, a huge heart and even more sympathy, understanding that his boyfriend just wasn't ready for that kind of intimacy yet.

Jensen kisses him in agreement. "Thanks for understanding, though. For not pushing me."

"Oh, I'll push you alright. Right into the car." Jared laughs, catching Jensen's lips one last time before he opens the front passenger door, hustling Jensen in that direction. "Get in. Time to get us home."

~~

The air in the master bedroom is warm and sticky, smelling stale and dusty after the room has not been in use for weeks. Jared throws their bags into the squashy armchair and crosses the room to open every window. A cool wind blows the salty air into the room at once and Jared takes in deep breaths, clearing his mind after the heat in the bar and their kisses outside. As he airs the bedding and fetches fresh linen from the cupboard, he listens to Jensen rumbling around in the bathroom. He wanted to take a shower, feeling sticky after the long drive and the hours in the bar and as Jared sniffs on his own skin, hair and under his armpits he scrunches his nose in disgust and decides it's not the worst of ideas his fiancé has ever had.  
  
"Hurry up!" Jared calls out of the door over to the bathroom that lies opposite the main bedroom. "And leave me some hot water!"  
  
Jensen laughs. "Only if you ask me nicely."  
  
"Pleeeaaaase?" Jared even makes the puppy eyes.  
  
He hears his boyfriend giggle. "You know," Jensen drawls, "you could join me."  
  
Jared's heart does a flip-flop because that's something he hasn't expected yet, no matter what Jensen just said about past and future. "Sure?" Jared leaves the bedroom, stepping hesitantly towards the bathroom. "You know, I don't want to intrude. And I know you've been weird about em, the scars, don't want me to see them."

Weird is an understatement. Back in the hospital, when the nurse had to change the dressings, Jensen always asked Jared to leave. Later, when there was no need for a dressing any longer but Jensen was still too stiff to move much and needed help with getting dressed, he still preferred the nurse to do it. Once, Jared dared to ask him what was going on. It was not a good idea. Jensen freaked out, stammering something about being ugly, simply ignoring Jared for the rest of his short visit.  
  
"Yeah... I know... I'm sorry. Shouldn't have been so stupid. But well... You know how I am sometimes." Jensen sighs in frustration. "I still don't really want you to see them but... I can't hide from you forever." Jared can imagine how Jensen stands awkwardly in the bathroom, maybe biting his lower lip or running his fingers through his spiked hair in embarrassment.  
  
"No you can't," Jared agrees quietly as his hand hovers over the doorknob. "So I'll come in now, okay?"  
  
"Okay."  
  
The bathroom is illuminated with a warm light, not too bright but not too dim, just cozy and the smell of toothpaste and mouthwash lingers in the air. Jensen stands in front of the basin, watching himself in the mirror. Jared wonders what he sees there. The shell with a scarred chest and belly, with freckled skin tattooed with red spiderwebs that are only slowly fading, a face with deep crow's feet and the gray slowly dominating the once dark blond -or was it a light brown? - hair. Or maybe and hopefully all the qualities that make Jensen such a special person and the scars that mark him as a fighter.  
  
"Hey." Jared slowly comes closer, watching his own reflection in the mirror looking at Jensen's.  
  
"Hi." Jensen swallows.  
  
Jared doesn't look at his boyfriend's chest, just into his face, into those extraordinary eyes. He loves those eyes, has always done so. Finally, he is standing behind Jensen, naked chest against naked back and gently, Jared's fingers trail down Jensen's side, curling around his waist.  
  
"Look at me, Jared, and tell me how that is not ugly."  
  
Gently, Jared turns Jensen around. He looks him directly in the face, the freckles only faint at the moment because Jensen hasn’t seen much sun in the past months. "Beautiful. So beautiful, Jen." He takes one of his hands off Jensen's waist, trailing it over his cheek instead. He feels every little asperity and the stubble against his fingertips tickles, but as he cups Jensen's cheek, it's never been done with more love.  
  
Then his eyes move down, over Jensen's torso. His boyfriend is right. The scars are ugly. Huge, thick, red, garbling the once so well formed chest. But they were necessary to save his life, a mark and reminder of what Jensen has been going through and a part of his body and life now. And that's enough reason for Jared to love them as much as he loves the perfect rest of his better half.  
  
"Can I touch them, Jen?"  
  
Jensen nods.  
  
With the gentlest touch imaginable, Jared brushes the line of the long thorax scar. It's bulging and bumpy and Jensen takes in a sharp breath as Jared's finger touches it so softly.  
  
"It doesn't hurt, does it?"  
  
"No. It's just... no one’s ever touched it so gently."  
  
Jared kisses it at a random spot. "It deserves to be treated well, Jen. It gave you your life. That's what makes it dear to me."  
  
The scar of the transplantation is different, half-moon shaped, not as thick but almost equally long. "This one," Jared whispers as his hand moves over to palm the skin, "is also a good scar. Without it, hon, you wouldn't be here anymore and," Jared sniffs, "I really don't know what my life would be now, if they hadn't found a match for you." Crouching down, he nuzzles his face into Jensen's stomach, breathing in the scent of the skin, warm breath tickling Jensen's skin, warm lips kissing the scar. "They might not be beautiful, Jen. But you still are."  
  
Jared feels the movement of Jensen's stomach as he takes in deep breaths, fighting for his composure, his hands now tangled in Jared's mane, massaging the scalp gently. Slowly, he gets up again, wrapping Jensen in his arms as he does, kissing his shoulder and neck.  
  
"Thanks, for making me feel beautiful again." Jensen's voice is a mere whisper.  
  
"You are and always will be. Even when you are bald and your skin is loose and covered with age spots, have lost all your teeth and are impotent," Jensen huffs, like that would never happen and it makes Jared giggle, "you will always be beautiful to me."  
  
Smiling happily, Jensen kisses Jared softly. "How about I show you that I'm far from old and impotent yet?"  
  
"That," Jared returns the kiss, "sounds like a wonderful idea."

Jared's hands are now sliding underneath the waistband of Jensen's shorts, cupping his butt, squeezing the flesh there teasingly. After a while, one hand moves forward until it reaches the crack between Jensen's butt cheeks, a finger now trailing down until it finally moves over his puckered hole. Finger tipping in a little, a deep groan escapes Jensen's lips and Jared teasingly circles the entrance only to tip in again and again. Jensen's eyes are a darker shade of green, blissful and hungry, and his body reacts, bulge in his shorts prominent and promising.  
  
"Let's get dirty," Jared growls as he strips Jensen off his shorts in one deft move, his freed cock curving towards his belly at once. A shiver runs through his body as it touches Jared's own skin and only now he realizes how much he actually missed the intimate contact with his boyfriend.  
  
"God, Jen," Jared moans, his own cock hardening as he speaks, Jensen's fingers roaming over his torso, teasing his nipples, moving down until they get rid of Jared's boxers, too, scratching through the pubic hair.  
  
Simultaneously, both step out of their abandoned boxers, tugging each other over to the shower stall. Jensen's fingers seem to be everywhere, one moment on his shoulders, the next over his abs, then gliding softly over his cock. Heat burns through him at the simple touch, expressed by another moan and his own hands touching hectically, not wanting to miss an inch of Jensen, now that he is allowed to touch again.  
  
Once they are in the shower stall, Jared turns on the water. Both shiver for a moment as the first cool water drops hit them, distract them from their goal for the glimpse of an eye but the warmer the water, the more heated they make out again.  
  
Jared pushes Jensen against the tiled wall, kissing him roughly and demanding, his cock hardening with each of his boyfriend's pleading moans. There are only a few drops of water on Jensen's body left, the jet of water mainly thundering against Jared's back, but it's enough to glisten deliciously on the older man's body, watering Jared's mouth. Tongue sticking out of his mouth, licking over his own lips, he lunges at his boyfriend, eager to lick his lover dry. Mouth and tongue move over neck, shoulder and arms and when they finally reach Jensen's collarbone to trail down his torso, Jared takes particularly good care of Jensen's scar, gently nibbling the fresh skin.  
  
His tongue jerks out when the lips reach Jensen's bellybutton and then, finally, they are close to their goal. Jared can see Jensen's cock twitch as he comes close, filling up with even more blood that is rushing south and as he lets his tongue run over it, Jensen's only babbling incoherent words of want.  
  
Laughing deeply, Jared wraps his lips around his boyfriend's member, sucking it in. Tasting Jensen's pre-come again feels like having candy after months of a diet again and he grunts in satisfaction. Scratching his teeth gently up and down the length of Jensen's cock, his fingers once more search for his tight ring of muscles, index gently pushing in. The high pitched hiss Jensen lets out as Jared enters him unprepared is a mixture of pain, surprise and pleasure, but it's just one long, thin finger feeling for the bundles of nerves and soon the pain is chased away, replaced by the purest bliss. Jensen's hips jerk and his thighs tremble and Jared can tell, his fiancé is close. Grinning broadly around the cock that sticks deep in his throat, Jared brings Jensen to the edge, moving his finger up and down the dark, moist tunnel as his lips massage the sensitive skin and flesh of Jensen's cock.  
  
"Close," Jensen stutters and then he comes, loading shoot after shoot in Jared's mouth, the younger man swallowing hard not to spill a drop of the liquid. Jensen shudders, his cheeks are flushed from much more than the steam that meanwhile envelops them and his eyes are half-closed. Uncoordinated hands stroke over Jared's face and comb through his wet hair but the way Jensen breathes, harsh and snatchy, is enough to make Jared come as well, Jensen reacting half-way through, grabbing Jared's cock, stroking him through the last rears.  
  
Breathing hard, Jared rests his forehead against the cool, wet tiles but after a few moments, Jensen's arms sneak around him, tugging Jared towards him and soon the wall is replaced with his better half's forehead. Both share the same air as they gasp to fill their lungs with more oxygen, so close that Jared can feel the moist warmth of each of Jensen's exhales on his cheek.  
  
Jared lets his eyes wander down Jensen's body, taking the liberty of appreciating what he sees. Before, Jared only saw the scars because in a way, that's what the past months have always been about. The surgery, the recovery, the treatment and the worries of getting sick. Now though, he sees all of Jensen. Most of his muscles are gone, lost in the long months of suffering and rehabilitation and even though Jensen put on weight again, he is still too thin, ribs sticking out almost as prominently as back in Mexico. Jared gently brushes his fingers over Jensen's rib cage, resting his hand on the flat belly, thumb caressing the downy hair of his happy trail, his own come smeared over it.  
  
He kisses Jensen once more, now softly, tenderly and lazy, tongue tenderly gliding in and out of his mouth, over his lips before he tugs Jensen under the water-jet. "Should get ourselves clean as long as the water is still warm," he mumbles, grabbing the shower gel smelling of milk and honey, pressing a generous amount of it into his palms, gently massaging it into Jensen's skin. The latter moans pleasantly as Jared works, particularly as he moves further down, soaping the pubic hair, rubbing the cream into Jensen's balls and dick that twists with interest again.  
  
"No, definitely not impotent," Jared grins, putting a little kiss on the soapy tip before his hands move up and down over Jensen's legs. He then grabs the bottle of shampoo, repeating the procedure with Jensen's scalp, massaging head, temples and neck, combing his fingers through the wet strands. Tugging Jensen under the warm water again, he watches the foam being washed away, slowly revealing his now slightly reddened skin.  
  
Jensen tugs Jared towards him, embracing him tightly. "Like what you see?" It's not much more than a mere aspiration but enough to make Jared's mouth water.  
  
"Love it," he whispers back, nibbling at Jensen's ear. "Love you."  
  
Giving Jared his most beautiful smile, Jensen now returns the favor, soaping Jared's bronze skin, miles of legs and arms. Jensen's fingers are soft and deft, massaging here and there, recalling the spots that always have been especially tense. It feels so good, hands gliding over slippery skin, the heat bubbling pleasantly in Jared's belly.  
  
Jared leans his head against Jensen's shoulder to let the smaller man wash his hair, long fingers stroking over the scalp, pressing here and there, each pinch eliciting a pleasant moan.  
  
"Mmm," he raves, "that's so good. Never stop, Jen."  
  
Laughing, Jensen puts even more effort and love in each of his moves, massaging what seems every inch of his head. "Getting a cramp in my fingers." Jensen laughs, letting go, just to draw Jared under the water again. It's only lukewarm now, a sure sign that they've been in the shower for a while. Four hands now work on Jared's body to get rid of the soap in hair and on body and once that is done, Jared turns off the water, stepping back into the bathroom.  
  
It's full of steam, so thick that Jared can barely see the door. He pulls two towels out of the chest of drawers, wrapping one around his own waist, before he towels his boyfriend off reverently. He's very careful with Jensen's torso, avoids putting too much pressure onto the sternum.  
  
Only once Jensen's skin is red and dry, does Jared hand him the new, fluffy bathrobes, smelling of lavender.  
  
"Stay here for a moment, okay? I aired the bedroom and the beddings and I bet it's quite cold in there and I really don't want you to get ill."  
  
Jensen wants to argue but Jared is already out of the door, slipping into his own bathrobe on his way over the corridor back into the bedroom that indeed is cool as autumn is definitely approaching. The beds, now smelling of fresh, cold air, are made soon and only a few moments after Jared called for him, while Jared is stripping off the bathrobe and hurries under the covers, Jensen is stepping into the room.   
  
"Hurry up, Jen!" Jared calls out as he lifts the cover invitingly for Jensen to slip in. "And don't bother with clothes. If you're cold, just snuggle real close, I'll keep you warm."  
  
"I'm sure you will, you giant furnace." Jensen laughs as he lets the bathrobe glide off his shoulders and jumps into bed with his fiancé.  
  
At once, Jared keeps his promise, blanketing Jensen with his body, kissing random spots of skin before he feels for the lamp on the nightstand, switching the light off. They keep on kissing, slow, soft and lazy, all the heat from before gone.  
  
Once they're out of breath, Jensen snuggles against his boyfriend, warm arms holding him so safe that the last remaining doubts, if any are left, slowly melt away.  
  
"Today was perfect, Jay," Jensen mumbles, his hands pressed against Jared's chest. "Thank you."  
  
"So, you're not scared of this place any longer?" Jared asks, just to be sure. "Of the memories it holds?"  
  
Jensen shrugs. "I'll face them. And as long as you're with me, there's no need to be scared of anything. I know that now."  
  
"Princess," Jared teases, ruffling Jensen's hair.  
  
"I am. And proud of it. Especially if that makes you the prince in shining armor."  
  
"It would suit me, wouldn't it?" Jared laughs. "Tall and handsome, wavy hair, all muscles and..."  
  
"Oh yeah," Jensen moans, cutting Jared off, huge smile plastered on his face.  
  
Suddenly it hits Jared, how lucky he is for still having Jensen in his life. Seven months ago he almost lost him and now, he has him, right where Jensen belongs, in his arms, breathing in his scent, hands pressed against his neck and the small of Jensen's back. The thought must show on his face because the smile freezes on Jensen's face, the comfortable atmosphere shifting.  
  
"You okay?"  
  
Jared nods, not wanting to spoil the light and easy banter although he knows it's already too late for that now.   
  
"Jared," he sighs. "Just spill."  
  
"Just, you know, realized how lucky I am, for still having you. The last time we were together in this place, we were waiting for you to die, Jensen, and now..." He swallows hard, forcing the tears down because no, he won't cry again. Not again, not now, on this really happy day when he proposed and Jensen said yes.  
  
"Yeah. I know." Jensen kisses the spot over Jared's heart. "In the end though, Fate was good to us."  
  
"Very good." Jared smiles against Jensen's forehead wondering if he can ask that one question that's been ghosting through his mind for a while, now that they're finally talking that openly again, now that Jensen finally lies bare in front of him, having broken down all the walls, giving him those 100% again.  
  
"Jen? Can I ask you something?"  
  
The older man raises his brow. Normally, Jared doesn't ask. "Sure, go ahead."  
  
"I've been wondering again and again...", he's not sure how Jensen will react to the question, hemming and hawing, "what... ummm? how?"  
  
"Let it out, Jay. You can ask me anything. No secrets, okay?"  
  
"Okay. How does it feel? Having a stranger's organ in your body?"

  
"Oh." Jensen obviously hasn't expected this question.  
  
"Sorry, if I’m going too far here."  
  
"No, that's fine. I talked about it often, in therapy, back in rehab." Jensen shrugs his shoulder. "It's weird. I mean, I try not to think about it, but well, in a way, I'm reminded all the time. Whenever I take the meds, whenever I go to see the doctor, whenever I look at myself in the mirror.. It's quite mixed up because... I'm grateful for the guy's liver, but sad that he had to die to give me life. That's so... sick in a way. And it's weird because now, it's a part of me, but not really, because if I wouldn't take the meds, my body... it fights against it, Jay. My body fights against something that keeps it alive, how fucked up is that?"  
  
"I really wish it could have been a part of me, Jen," Jared admits quietly. He is sure, it doesn't help Jensen in the least but he needs to say it anyways and if not now then when? "I really would have loved to give away something so important to keep you alive and happy and healthy."  
  
"Oh Jared," Jensen mumbles against Jared's skin, his voice sounding muffled. "I know you did. It would have been romantic, huh? But I'd have been so scared for you during surgery and recovery and... yeah, I'm glad that it worked out another way. You remained whole. But if it consoles you... I feel closer to you than to my liver... You're much more a part of my life... and I don't need meds to keep you," he chuckles, taking a bit of the heavy atmosphere away.

Jared joins in the laugh, feeling lighter now, having found the answer to so many questions, the most important if they will have that happily ever after they've been waiting for all those years.

"Part of your life," Jared mumbles quietly, the words rolling down his tongue thoughtfully, the full meaning lingering between them, not heavy but light and easy, the way their friendship was from the beginning. "That’s how it is and will always be."

**Epilogue**

When Jared Padalecki stepped into the WB building to read for his role in  _Supernatural_ , he didn't expect much. He just was hoping for a job and a good work mate and not for what was given to him: Not only a co-star that had a big influence on him or a best friend that went with him through thick and thin but his soul mate, his future husband, a man that literally became his better half.

Jared learned much in those years, about giving and taking, forgiving and forgetting but most of all, about the power of love and friendship and what people are capable of when there is something worth fighting for.

And he learned something else: fairy tales can happen, even in the tough film industry in Hollywood. They were prince and princess, fighting evil monsters and demons, getting their happily ever after in the end. No matter if forever will only be a year or half a century, no matter if the time will be filled with happiness or tears or spent in health or sickness, in the end, it only comes down to one simple thing.

Life brought them together but will never really tear them apart.

**The End**


End file.
